Help, Advice needed!!!

Okay All,

This is sort of weird for me...especially as I don't really even post that often, nevermind ask for advice but I've noticed most people on here are genuinely interested and helpful.

Here goes....

I have been living with my excellent girlfriend for about a year now. I mean she's awesome, best girl a guy could ask for! Just lately there is something that has been kind of coming between us. I work full time at a very demanding job, I often work late or take my work home with me (you know how it is) so obviously when I get home I'm exhausted, hungry, and really not interested in anything but having a nice cold beer, a shower, and relaxing on my nice big couch.

Here lies the problem: She doesn't work. She stays home every day. Which I honestly don't mind! If she wants to do that...fine, I make enough money for the two of us....but the house is ALWAYS a wreck. I mean to the point where I told my mother she couldn't come visit us because I was so embarrassed of the condition of the house.

It seems that every time I bring this up to her she gets super defensive and says she shouldnt have to clean my mess and that we should both do our equal part in cleaning and organizing the house. I would be totally for this if she was working as well....but as it is, she doesnt. It's just really beginning to get to me.

Is there some way I can talk to her about this without sounding like it's the 50's and I'm saying "i work you clean, me tarzan you jane!"?

Help me BTS! Pwease?

HI...

here's my take...

my wife and I lived together for 8 years before finally getting married. We both worked and payed the bills together. We shared the house work and chores. However if one of us made a specific mess, then we didn't expect the other to clean it up.

My wife has asked me if we could afford it, could she be a housewife. I told her that I would absolutely love for her to stop working and be at home. We both agreed that since she would be home all day, that the daily chores woudl be done... general cleaning, laundry, cooking. I'd still help out by doing the lawn, garbage duty, etc.

I don't think you're wrong to expect some things to be done around the house while you're working.

My best advice is to talk it out. Remember one thing though, if you really feel that she's the one and you think that marriage is in your future, are you willing to accept her the way she is... she might not change. Once you're married, it's not cheap to get out....

good luck.

Thanks a ton ElevatedOne, I do know she is the one...we have even talked about that before.

I have tried before to talk to her about the whole cleaning issue, but it just seems like every time I try she ends up getting upset. I guess maybe I asked the wrong question, what I really need to learn is how to bring this up and discuss it with her without making her feel like I'm talking down to her. She's trying hard to find a job right now...and I know that's stressful (trust me! been there done that) but in the meantime I need her to clean up her mess around the house and do some laundry because I just dont have the energy when I get home.

It's like she knows that if shes doesnt do it i will...regardless because I just can't stand dirty clothes and a messy house.

Oh, God, this is so hard! And bless your heart for looking for a good way to handle it. Here's what I would do. I would approach her and ask if this is a good time to talk about something. Let her know that you want to talk about something specific. Find a comfortable place without distractions and where you can touch her and let her know that you love her.

Then assure her that you love her and everything is fine, but something is bothering you and you'd like to get it resolved before it comes between the two of you and you need her help.

Set out your position. You work outside the home and you don't mind doing this, but you would like to make an arrangement with her that you can both live with. Let her know that you would like her to contribute more to keeping the house more 'together'. If she needs help working out a schedule, maybe you can offer to help her with that.

Tell her that you don't feel like it's fair that you work all day and she doesn't. (It doesn't take all day to keep a house decent. She can do it in a couple hours every day. I know. I don't work outside the home.)

If she thinks you should both do your equal parts in cleaning the house, perhaps you should do your equal parts in working outside the home to earn money, too... Her getting defensive seems to me like a tactic to keep you from approaching the subject, but you're going to have to just do it anyway.

It's definitely not fair.

Stay cool and calm. Don't yell, or get frustrated.

Fly lady is great! With just a few minutes a day, and taking baby steps, she can get things under control.
FlyLady - Your Online Coach to Help You Gain Control

I'm curious, what does she do if the house is a wreck? I'm wondering has it always been this way? Has she ever worked since being with you?

When I quit work, my husband and I made an agreement (we're HUGE fans of agreements) and it's MY JOB to cook, clean, etc. Making the home is my job. And it sounds like it should be your girlfriend's, too.

[edit on 15-3-2007 by Benevolent Heretic]

Originally posted by Benevolent Heretic
Fly lady is great! With just a few minutes a day, and taking baby steps, she can get things under control.
FlyLady - Your Online Coach to Help You Gain Control

This is great! Thanks so much BH....I knew I could count on you!

I'm curious, what does she do if the house is a wreck? I'm wondering has it always been this way? Has she ever worked since being with you?
[edit on 15-3-2007 by Benevolent Heretic]

I know she does a lot of yoga, cooking cupcakes, and working out all day.. It hasn't always been this way...up until the beginning of the summer we have always lived with roommates who were just absolute inconsiderate pigs. She was always really good about cleaning up and everything...but it's like ever since we moved into our own place......sheesh!

She was up until recently in college full time and working a part time job. She is now taking a class one day a week and without employment. I know that finding the job is stressing her out, and I want her to know that I'm there for her...but in the meantime she needs to clean the dang house! haha

Thanks so much for your help all.

Originally posted by YoBrandonRaps
I have tried before to talk to her about the whole cleaning issue, but it just seems like every time I try she ends up getting upset.

Let her be upset. Let her pitch a fit and cry a river. But don't let that get in between your communication path or your marriage won't work. Don't let her "getting upset" change how you are. You need to communicate with her regardless if she gets upset or not. If you get married, there are going to be plenty of times through the years that one of you is upset. (Going on 15 years married here)

She's trying hard to find a job right now...

That's good. At least then you can contribute more equally.

It's like she knows that if shes doesnt do it i will...

If that's what you have taught her, then yes, that's what she knows.

And if she takes little steps, thank her! Let her know you appreciate her.

Good luck, man.

another thought is ... take the lead....

Just start picking up... cleaning and doing some of the chores and very nicely ask her to help you. Show her that if you work together it will get done and more quickly at that.

Also, if you do it a couple of times a week, etc, it won't take much to stay on top of things.

We made a lot of 'rules' before we got married and they hold to this day. One of them is ...

"If you want it done, do it."

And what that translates to is that if I want the garbage taken out and I ask my husband to do it (it's "his" job), and he says he will, then I can rest assured that he'll do it. If 2 PM rolls around and I feel myself starting to get resentful because he hasn't done it in my timeframe, it's time to refer to the rule. "If you want it done, do it." and it's time to either let it go or do it myself. I can remind him again, but there will be no nagging or resentment.

So I like what elevatedone has said.

And I also advise making lots of rules and guidelines about how you live together before you get married. Just to make sure you're on the same page about stuff and not making assumptions. I swear it has saved our marriage many times.

Thanks guys so much for your help. We decided that we could have a chat tonight about everything and set down some boundries and whatnot. I'll keep you posted on how it goes!