(WHNWC) What you don't know Pt. I

The traffic light went through its cycle again for the hundredth time , going
from amber to red as I leaned back against the wall, out of the wind, and
lit another cigarette. So you want to know more about it do ya? Why?
Are you some kind of a government spy? Are you going to tell someone?
You don't look like all that much to me, maybe you'd better get the hell out
of here before you learn too much for your own good. I don't think you'd
bear up too well after they'd start beating the living hell out of you. What?
You talking to me? Are you freaking talking to me? Do you know who I
am? Do you know what I am? Go on, get outta here!
Damn Bozo.
They're all alike. Nosy. Never had a tough job in their lives. But they want
me to spill the beans. Spill the beans so maybe they can get some kind of
whistleblower's reward when they "break" the story. Hey, I've got your
whistle right here! I do all the freaking work and you blow the whistle huh?
Yeah right. Blow this.
I'm a professional. P-R-O-F-E-S-S-I-O-N-A-L. And when I tell you some-
thing, you can pretty much take it to the bank. I have spent the last three
decades of my life testing products for corporations. Testing things you
couldn't begin to imagine, and a lot of things that are now commonly used
every day. I'm here to tell you that there's a lot you don't know. I some-
times wonder how I've remained alive. Let me tell you about the time I
was testing a new anti-depressant medicine. Whew, I remember that one!
You know, they have to eventually test it on humans, and well, I was the
guy. Gave me a weeks' supply and a journal and told me to report back
in seven days. Write down everything you feel, they said. Well, after the
first day I didn't feel a thing for the whole week. Didn't go nowhere, didn't
do anything. Just sat in my chair and stared at that journal until they sent
someone over to my apartment because I missed the follow-up meeting.
Never did remember the name of that product. But I lost nine pounds just
sitting in my chair the whole time. Don't remember anything about that
week at all.
Another time I tested some new formula for stomach acid. Similar to that
pink liquid stuff, only it was dark green. Lordy, I'm here to tell you that
some medicines should never be invented. Side-effect city! Why, I could
swear I was sicker after taking it than I was before. Had double-vision,
single-hearing, and extensive constipation. Stay away from the green!
( Have to re-light my cigarette, so hold on).

Then there was this time that I tested these shady male enhancement
pills. It was supposedly all on the hush-hush, but they needn't have
worried because I don't think the damn things worked anyways. I spent
a month with my handy-dandy tape measure and noticed no discernable
increase whatsoever. And I was a- hoping! You see, with me, it's always
been "what happens next" type of thinking. I test things, and I wait to see
what happens next. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad. Tried those
little blue pills when they first came out years ago, you know, the V-pills?
Now that was back when they were still experimenting with the formula,
and I do believe they were somewhat stronger then. Let me tell you, if
today all you have to worry about is a four hour erection, well that's
nothing at all. Try eight or ten hours! Yeah, and you'd be surprised at all
the things you "can't" do when you're in that state. Alot of down time
caused by all the up time, know what I mean?
But, I'm getting away from the subject matter here and I want to
re-emphasize the fact that I'm a professional. A professional tester. And
recently I've been involved in a test that's scaring the holy bejesus out of
me. The pay is so good that I'd probably be better off keeping my mouth
shut about the whole thing. ( breaks to re-light cigarette ). But something
ain't right and I'm worried. I'll try to explain things by referencing some
articles I've read, so bear with me.
I read alot of newspapers. Lately, I've been reading alot about these new
self-extinguishing cigarettes that are catching on. Guess what? I've been
testing them for the tobacco companies! Yeah, me. They give me all the
cigarettes I want, pay me good money to smoke them, and then all they
want me to do is to fill out a questionaire from time to time. Pretty cool
isn't it? Saves me lots of money. But I read some articles and I really
wonder.
1.) Letter to the Berkshire Eagle newspaper, Feb. 14,2006. Discussion of
current legislation, (HB1914 and SB1345) to require cigarettes to be
"Fire-safe". Berkshire,MA.
2.) "Cigarette fires cause for slow burn", Burlington Free Press,
Burlington,VT March 16,2006.
3.) "Where there's smoke . . .", Baltimore Sun,Baltimore, MD. March 23.06.
4.) "Building a "fire-safe" cigarette", The Boston Globe, Boston, Ma.
April 29, 2006.
5.) "Fire-Safe" for all", Westchester County, NY May 14, 2006.
6.) "Cigarette Fire Safety", a letter to the editor of USA Today.
May 19, 2006.
I understand the underlining factor here is people dying from fires being
started from smoldering cigarettes. And making the cigarettes self-
extinguishing would probably save hundreds of lives a year. But . . . .
what you don't know is "how" they're doing it! I know, because I've got
the inside information and it ain't pretty.
( hold on while I re-light my cigarette )

It's the paper! I heard them talking a few times when I went in to pick up
my cartons of free cigarettes. They've coated the paper used in the cigarettes with some kind of experimental chemical that slows the ignition
of the fire. If you don't puff on the cigarette continuously, it'll go out,
simple as that. There's really no difference in taste, but I can tell you that
paranoia is induced after just a short time.
The tobacco companies at first resisted the required change, thinking that
maybe their customers might not like the taste of the new cigarettes, and
might even stop buying them. (wouldn't that have been something). But
now they're 100% behind the change, thanks to test subjects such as
myself. In the beginning I answered all the questions on the questionaire
honestly. But after a while though, I was afraid to put down the truth. Like,
have you noticed any sudden bleeding from your nose and ears? Well
yeah, I did begin to get bloody noses on a regular basis, but I didn't want
to upset them or lose the job, so I started to put down what I thought they
wanted to hear. Another question asked if I ever saw God and I answered
no. But of course I had . . . .and still do. The question that really bothered
me asked if I had noticed any changes lately to the 'dark" areas of my
body, those areas always covered with clothing. I answered this question
honestly "no" every week, up until about a month ago. That's when I
noticed the scales forming. Scared the hell out of me!
And that's when I told them that something was wrong.
They didn't want to hear it and fired me on the spot. Said it was too late,
that the new cigarettes were already out there on the shelf, and that so far
everything was fine. Fewer fires! They were heros. And if I knew what was
good for me, I'd just let it go, forget about it.
Somehow they found out I'm going to blow the whistle on their new
cigarettes. I've been followed alot lately, and almost run over twice. I
know none of it is accidental. They want to get rid of me. The bastards.
I can't stand big corporations that don't pay! After all the years I've put in
testing their lousy products and dirty secrets you'd think they'd at least
treat me a little better. After all, I am a professional. I've been there,
done that. Did I tell you about the time I tested smokes for the CIA that
were laced with '___'? Got all my cigarettes for free. Saved a bundle.
I think those cigarettes induced paranoia too, or something like it.
Anyway, don't get too close to me man! You could be with them.

The traffic light went through another cycle as I lit another smoke.

That's a good read SIEGE, you're very talented. But we're still onto you.