What are the best ways to maintain a marriage?

The U.S. has the highest divorce rate amongst the industrialized nations and I like to know what can be done about maintaining a relationship with someone you love that could last till your life ends.

What kind of problems that could lead to divorces?
Money?
Kids?
Separated from afar? Like being overseas for example.
Seeing each other so much that its boring?
Need to meet other people?
Not enough sex?
Argumens and disagreements?

I heard that some couples tend to do things like sexual fantasies like the wife is a nurse helping you out or as a husband, pretending to be a cop arresting your wife with handcuffs as well as reminding her of her rights before the punishment. But thats for dealing with sexual urges and does not always solve everything, but it helps I'm sure of it.

Anyways, just looking for advice as to how to maintain a long relationship.

I'm a guy, so this is a man's view. I've been married for a decade. happily.

- After the wedding ceremony, convince yourself that you are still dating her. Bring her presents for no reason. Take her to movies, the symphony, walks in the park.

-Lots of touching. I'm a cold, sort of "germanic" personality. My family didn't do a lot of hugging growing up. I knew I was loved; they told me often, but we were respecters of "personal space." My wife, from middle eastern origins, needs touching for reassurance. Hugging. Sitting so your thighs touch. running your finger lazily up her forearm . . . fiddling with her hair while she talks to you. And a pat on the fanny now and then will make for a late night. Footrubs have solved more fights than my being "in the right" ever will.

-Flowers (or small, inexpensive gift) for no reason. NEVER give flowers as a form of apology. ONLY give them when things are going right. You can find roses on sale at the supermarket, particularly on Mondays. I have my calendar marked, to bring her flowers every six weeks or so. Also, send them to her work. If you make other women jealous of her, it makes YOU better looking.

-We are Christians, and follow the Bible's advice: "don't let the sun go down on your anger." My wife won't let us go to bed if we haven't resolved an argument. Actually, we broke that rule in November, and went to bed (in different rooms) angry. It took a couple of weeks to get past that. I was an idiot for not stopping it before bedtime.

-Talk about your family as a TEAM. with your spouse, with your kids; with extended family. When the two of you are discussing a major purchase, ask her out loud what she thinks is "best for the whole family." It isn't enough to not be self centered. You need to show your spouse that you are not self-centered.

-Do helpful chores without being asked. Bring her a drink, before you fix one for yourself. If you are hungry, bring her food as well. One of our first arguments was when we were first married. We were grad students, and during finals week, I was hungry. I stopped and got ONE burger and a drink, for myself. Her comment was "you don't even THINK of us, as a couple. In your mind, you're still a bachelor."

-Show that your still attracted to her. Sometimes, in semi-public areas, I will grab her, and start kissing on her. The parking lot of the grocery. At movies. When the kids are asleep, go over and sit next to her, and start fiddling with her top. Tell her that her jeans look uncomfortably tight. When she disagrees, prove it by trying to slide your hand into them. If you spill food on her in the kitchen, try to lick it up. When she's showering before work, save water by climbing in with her, even if you just scrub her back. Again, a pat on the fanny is worth a thousand words. When she kisses you good night, slip her the tongue (only once a month or so; keep it fresh). Even when we don't have time for intimacy, let you know what you'd LIKE to do to her.

-What every woman (and probably every man, for that matter) wants is to know that you are thinking of them when they are not in the room. Long-term planning for surprise birthday gifts, etc. Learn to be an expert gifter.

-Ask her about HER. Men tend to only talk about themselves. She wants to interact with you, even if it's nothing more profound than sitting in the same room while you read and she watches TV. (internet doesn't count--you're not even paying attention to the room your body's in, at that point. She says so.)


If you do these things, it will set the stage for resolving arguments and differences. If you've been loving on her, the disagreements are less ugly, and of shorter duration. The arguments that HURT begin when a partner doesn't feel respected---NOT just because you don't get your way.

.

We have a high divorce rate over here in England too, although the rate has been falling a bit recently;

news.bbc.co.uk...

I think a lot of divorces happen simply because couples rush into marriage to quickly only to then find out its not exactly what they wished or imagined it would be like and then up feeling trapped in the relationship. I think marriage should only be something you should do when your relationship is very strong, and both partners should be very keen on it. You need to question your motives for marrying too- if you are just marrying someone to make other people happy then that is not the right reason.
I think you should date your partner for as long as you can before you get married, even if you've been going out with them for 6months, its not actually a very long time and there will still be a lot you will get to know about your partner over time. Some people show a completely different side to their personality after getting married.

Some things that make a successful relationship (successful relationship= successful marriage) are;
a. Listen to what your partner says, spend much quality time together, but also give each other your own personal space and time (its not good to be constantly around each other, just as its not good to spend no time together at all).
b. Share the responsabilities in your lives together to help lift the every day stress of life off each others shoulders.
c. Tell your partner that you love them and that they are always in your heart and thoughts- although it may seem obvious to you that you love your partner, its always nice to be told every now and then that you are loved. Ask yourself, when was the last time you told your partner you love them?
d. Spend quality time together away from friends or family, like see a movie or go down to the beach or go to a resturant or go to somewhere nice together for the weekend etc.
e. Avoid argueing or raising your voice- if you have an issue with your partner, tell them before it gets worse and try to be open-minded and listen to what your partner has to say too. Especially try to avoid argueing about the everyday trivial matters of life. Argueing all the time is not good or healthy for either person involved, and can have a really bad effect on your children (if you have any)- even if you think they don't know about it, they will pick up on it sooner or later.
f. Try and avoid situations which make you yourself stressed- try to avoid money troubles as much as you can and spend your money wisely, as such troubles can easily turn even well suited couples against each other with the stress that such situations create.
g. If you have problems with things like anger management or other problems like depression, seek a professional about it and don't take it out on your partner. Likewise, if your partner has the same sorts of problems, encourage them to seek help about them.
h. Its easy to take your partner for granted since they are always there, but always remember to respect your partners independance and individuality. You should love and respect your partner as the wonderful person they are and treat them as you yourself would like to be treated.
i. Be organised- a cluttered house for example is not nice to live in. Take the time out to do a bit of cooking or cleaning every now and then, your partner will appreciate it very much.
j. Respect your partners freedom- if they want to spend some time on their own or go see a friends, you then you should trust them and let them do it. No one likes a partner who is clingy, controlling or paranoid.
k. Have an active and good sex life together- try something new every now and then. There are many people that can help like marriage consellers if you have problems in the bedroom and you don't know what to do.
l. Buy them gifts every now and then, even if they are not big and expensive, they will warm your partners heart and make them feel loved .

Etc...


[edit on 8-1-2007 by Tokis Phoenix]

I agree with much of that.

I also think that people who get married and are still "self-centered" have a slim chance of making it.

The old joke is af people who come to a shrink about their marriage.

The shrink asks them to write down what is wrong. They both write:


"I'M just not GETTING anything out of this marriage any more."

The don't even mention the other member of the marriage, and their only concerned with what they get, instead of what they give.

.

Don't always put the children first. Make time for each other.
Romance, holding hands etc..Kids like to see this in parents.
Lots of talking and sharing. Whatever works for you. Don't fall into the Stepford role of me, wife and mother, he, husband and father. Do what ever it takes..Step out of the traditional role.
Do things seperately too, this prevents stagnation. Preserves your previous identities. The identities you fell in love with.
Kisses, cuddles and plenty of intimacy.
I have been with my hubby for 14 years and have never our love, nor he!

my first lasted 7 years

I was just married for the 2nd time in March of 06. We've lived together for almost 8 years before getting married.

In my experiences... the number one thing is

COMMUNICATION....

You must talk to your partner, keep no secrets and be honest.

Talk to them, rather it's good, bad or otherwise... just talk.

I guess I'd also advise laughing together, you have to be able to have fun together.

dont think about your self think about your partners feelings, if you love someone all you want is to make them happy but if the other person does not feel the same way you should dump that person before they hurt you, i know its hard because i just had to doit but it can be donne.

I don't think that you're going to get very good advice here. None of us in in whatever relationship you are in (that is, we aren't in your relationship), so how can we know what problems there are or what can be done about them?

Money?
Kids?
Separated from afar? Like being overseas for example.
Seeing each other so much that its boring?
Need to meet other people?
Not enough sex?
Argumens and disagreements?

Consider that all of these things will happen, and that they do happen, all over the world, and yet, many countries have extremely low divorce rates, even though divorce is perfectly legal.

They have lower divorce rates, because divorce is not socially acceptable, and when peopel get married, even if it is an arraigned marriage, they do not consider divorce to be an option. If they have problems, they learn to deal with them.

I've been married for 18 years to my "first wife" as I refer to her. She loves it when I do that. >not< So I know a little about this topic. Allow me to share-

1) Communication. This is a big mistake. Men and women don't communicate in the same ways. Any attempt to facilitate communication can only generate misunderstandings and strife. Avoid communication. Learn to nod, agree, and apologize. A lot. Anything beyond that and you're asking for trouble.

2) Bring her home stuff occasionally. You're genetically predisposed to do this, anyway. You know, bring stuff back to the cave. At least once a year, it should be something nice. Diamonds ought to shut her up for awhile.

3) Sex. Have a lot of it. It will definitely reduce your stress level and make you easier to live with. Just don't let her catch you.

4) Marry an orphan who's also an only child, if you can. In-laws are the bane of any existance. Unless you want some loudmouth mother-in-law butting in every other day, or unemployed brother-in-law on your couch eating up your beef jerky stash and drinking your beer, find a woman with no living relatives.

So there you go. There's more to it, but following these 4 basic rules will keep you married for a loooooong time. Unless brevity's your thing.



[Edit for typo]

[edit on 1/26/2007 by yeahright]

Originally posted by deltaboy
Separated from afar? Like being overseas for example.

That's a good idea.

If you're staying in Europe in a hotel without a phone, most likely she won't be able to tell you she wants a divorce.

[edit on 1/26/2007 by djohnsto77]

Don't have the link handy, but I guess I could find it. Around 2004 though a survey was floating around about divorce rates in the US.

Lowest = Massachusetts
Highest =Texas

Even more interesting, folks describing themselves as Born Again Christians had the highest divorce rates of all, like 3X1.

Anecdotally, I guess we could say the best way to maintain a marriage is vote Democrat.

Well Delta I have been married 31 years this June and its still going strong. I think the problem in the US is that you have a throw away society and unfortunately this seems to have extended to humans and relationships, you know the need a new car or new home well its the same with people. Nygdan did say that divorce in some cultures its not acceptable and people work things out and deal with their problems but in the US it seems you just trade in for a new model.

So you have that to deal with as well as the all the usual stuff, relationships the good ones are about giving yourself totally to your partner and them to you, its about commitment. But not only that its about your own character and personality, do you have a strong personality, do you have morals and standards, principals etc. or are you just a whimp and corrupt (not you yourself) do you easily give in rather than fighting for that which is worth fighting for.

For some people things are made to easy, its easy to lie, cheat and decieve and then to be told its ok for you to be like that, that your happiness and well being is far more important than anybody else. Humans in some situations have just become another comodity of the market place.

I was fortunate to know my husband for over 15 years before we "took the plunge" and it probably didn't hurt that I got to see him in a few relationships before we began dating - I knew from the get go what he was like in a realtionship through observing him with other girls.

I cannot stress how important it is to keep the youth alive - we've been together now for five years, and we're still running around like teenagers.





[edit on 31-1-2007 by GENERAL EYES]

I've been married for 20 years now. There is a lot of stuff I can share about men. Please see the list below.

Bathrooms
They never learn to put the toilet seat down...ever, so stop trying to get them to! I suggest that you let them have their very own bathroom, and you can have your own. This idea has multiple bonuses for men & women. I don't have to listen to my dear husband bitch about my hair in the shower drain; I don't have to listen to my DH bitch about how many products I have in the shower… I can have as many as I want, and I do have as many as I want, because a girl likes to have choices! I don't have to be accused of using his razor on my legs. The same razor that still cuts his face occasionally…. even though nobody is using it but him

I don't have to put the toilet seat down, and neither does he. My bath towel is always hanging there ready for me to use, and his is always laying on the bedroom floor where he last threw it.... but at least mine is there
I don't have to see toothbrushes and toothpaste left out, or shaving cream & razors all over the bathroom counter, heck I don’t even have to look at whiskers plastered all over the inside of the sink, or splats on the underside of my toilet seat.

The Kitchen

If he’s kind enough to load the dishwasher for you occasionally, don’t say a word to him about how he loaded it. Change it when he’s not looking, or just run it the way it is. The dishes will still come out clean…trust me Does it really matter after all?? I know it’s irritating beyond all belief, it’s a petty disorder we women have…take a few deep breaths, and let it go.

Don’t interfere when he’s making Sunday breakfast, he has his way of preparing food, and I have mine. Men do not multitask in the kitchen, by this I mean…they dirty every dish, plate, bowl, pan & utensils when they are cooking. They don’t have sense enough to clean up behind themselves as they go, because they know you are going to come along and clean it. I suggest that you women leave for the day right after Sunday breakfast, and don’t come back until after dark. They will be forced to clean up that mess in the kitchen that they made before their next feeding, which BTW, they start thinking about… around 10:30 am.

If he says…”Woman bring me a plate” tell him to get off his lazy ass, and get it himself.

The living Room

You know he’s going to come home from work and sling his truck keys and pocket change all over your nice clean coffee table that you just dusted, so don’t try and change him. That will always be one of his rituals, so pocket all the money he threw about when he’s not looking and take that as payment for the mess he has just created for you. By 7 pm, you can be sure that he has taken off not only his socks, but he’s taken off his dress shirts, his under shirt, and his belt and thrown both of them in the living room floor. Just pick them up, and throw them on his bathroom floor where he has to look at them for a few days. When he runs out of clean clothes, trust me, he will round that stuff up and put it in the laundry room for cleaning.

Don’t try to watch TV with men! It will drive you insane. Just use the smaller TV in the other room and you won’t have to fret about a man channel surfing all night. When the night is drawing to a close, gather up all those beer cans that he has left lined up on your nicely polished coffee table, put them in a garbage bag…and take them out and throw them in the middle of his garage floor. What is that saying…Do unto others as they do unto you.

The Bedroom

Just go ahead and get it over with so you can get back to that book you were reading
Then there is always the Sunday morning surprise…ya know if you are really tired...you can sleep right through that, that is until he starts pushing those buttons

Communication

Please! There is no perfect manual created for this, although I will share a few things I’ve learned along the way. Don’t show him that new afghan you crocheted, or that new quilt you made…trust me…He doesn’t care! And you don’t want the opinion from anyone that won’t look at it, but still says “yeah that’s nice”

If the teenagers need an attitude adjustment, …tell him. My DH is very prompt about smashing a revolt.

Family day is important when you first get married and have kids, but after 20 years…you just smile and say sure honey…go hunting…have a good time! Then enjoy the day to yourself… it’s so worth it It’s a Win, Win situation for everybody! Try to contain your joy too when he announces that weeklong business trip! Then you can do all the stuff that he swears makes him sick…like polishing your nails. How nail polish smells worse than that nasty smelling gun cleaner junk…I’ll never figure that out. Plus, you don’t have to cook…the kids are so happy with a sandwich…well I only have one kid left at home. We do try to have spaghetti when dad is gone though…he hates it, and we love it

I hope this has been helpful information from somebody that has been married for quite some time. I know it’s long, but it’s sound advice. Sorry for any type O's

Edit**

I forgot Laundry
Collect all money that comes through the laundry. Keep it for services rendered.


[edit on 2/2/2007 by jensouth31]

Very perceptive and some excellent advice. Two bathrooms can definitely save a marriage.

Originally posted by jensouth31
Collect all money that comes through the laundry. Keep it for services rendered.

I've seen your picture in the picture thread. You're selling yourself waaaaaaay too cheap.

Talk to him/her. Don't live the life of silence. It can start easy, over something stupid then roll until its a huge gap.

Don't go to sleep until you resolve your issues.

Remember sometimes you have to give in to the others demands. :bnghd:

Show them, don't just tell them you love them

Women like to feel special, Men like to at least think they are in charge.

The rest will be all good

Originally posted by yeahright

You're selling yourself waaaaaaay too cheap.

OMG, your right! I really should get paid more for doing the laundry. Hmm... this calls for some careful consideration on my part.

BTW Thanks for the lovely compliment