Newz Forum: OTHER: Dean's List: Amusing Musings for November 15, 2004

The period in "The Best Damn Sports Show...Period" should be an exclamation mark. Period!

Eleven months after re-signing with the Dolphins through 2006, head coach Dave Wannstedt has resigned following a 1-8 start to the season. Forget about a year - it's amazing what a difference a hyphen can make...

First he was a wide-out. Then he was a quarterback. And now he's a punter. Baltimore's Kordell Stewart has reinvented himself yet again and put the kick back in "Slash," his bygone nickname that figures to experience a renaissance of its own. When starting punter Dave Zastudil separated his shoulder during this past Sunday's game against the Jets, Stewart was ready, willing and able to fill his shoes. Literally. "Slash" averaged 35.4 yards on five punts with two inside the twenty to boot, effectively kick-starting a Ravens rally that culminated in a 20-17 overtime victory at the Meadowlands...

The only predictable element of today's NFL is unpredictability. Such is the state of modern professional football. Sadly though, this league-wide phenomenon known as Parity is looking more like mediocrity with each passing week. With the exception of the Patriots, Steelers and Eagles, every team has been - on average - very average in 2004. So what's next for the National Parity League? A season in which all 32 franchises finish 8-8? Could be. Just imagine the tie-breakers come playoff time...

The NFL is far and away the most popular viewer sport in America. But like it or not, bowling is our country's most popular participation sport. And with ESPN on its side, the PBA is rising faster than a Curt Schilling fastball. Who knows - twenty years from now, "Pro Bowlers" might be most commonly known as the lanesmen of the Pro Bowlers Association, not the all-stars of the National Football League...

When you tackle a passer for a loss, it's a sack. When you tackle a ball carrier for a loss, it's a tackle. So what do you call a tackle of a quarterback behind the line of scrimmage on a designed running play? Is it a sack? Yes and no. Yes because the quarterback has been brought down behind the line of scrimmage. No because the quarterback is no longer a quarterback - he's a runner. So is it a tackle? Yes and no. Yes because the runner has been thrown for a loss (the "official" ruling in this scenario). No because the quarterback isn't your typical ball carrier. What, then, do we make of all this? What do we call this incidence that's neither a sack nor a tackle but equal parts of both? Simple: we call it a sackle...

The name of the game is Christmas: Pete Carroll...Tree Rollins...Eric Snow...Jesus Colome...Oksana Baiul...Angel Berroa...Matt Light...Lito Sheppard...Doug Jolley...and George Bell

Bobcats. The name of the NBA's Charlotte expansion franchise got me thinking. What about Bob? Are variably reddish cats with dark markings named after a guy named Bob? What about bobsleds? Are they? If they are, who's Bob? And was it the same Bob who inspired the cat and the sled? Or are these two completely different Bobs? And what about Billy? Are billy clubs, billy goats and hillbillies like bobcats and bobsleds? Are they named after Billy? But who's Billy? And what about Billybob? What kind of a name is that? Are there billybobcats in Charlotte? And what does any of this have to do with the NBA?

Like a soldier wounded by his own grenade, the Wizards must feel betrayed every time they lose to the Magic...

Karl Malone was never the Mailman. He was the Postmaster, and John Stockton was the Real Mailman all along. Think about it: Stockton delivered the mail en route to becoming the all-time assist leader in the NBA, while Malone dominated the low-post by cashing in on the Mailman's timely deliveries. Somewhere along the line, the Utah Nickname Commission dropped the ball...

Today there's a new Postmaster in Utah, and he just so happens to be a Boozer. At just 22 years of age, Carlos Boozer is defining the position that Malone redefined throughout his eighteen years of Hall of Fame service for the Jazz. And by position I mean power forward, not Postmaster...

During a recent interview, Celtics Executive Director of Basketball Operations Danny Ainge was quick to praise Orlando Magic rookie Dwight Howard. "He's raw but terrific," beamed Ainge. "And what a body. He reminds me of a young David Robinson, not from a basketball-playing standpoint, but from a standpoint of...having a great body." To be clear, Ainge was referring to Howard's natural athleticism, not his manly sex appeal. But I think that's only common sense...

Which franchise has the least remarkable name? It's hard to say, although a few of the more mindless ones come to mind. The Washington Capitals is pretty lame. Lame like the Seattle Mariners changing their name to the Washington States. The Montreal Canadiens? Sterile, like the Vancouver Canucks. We get it already: you're from Canada. Likewise, the Houston Texans is just as bad as the Texas Americans. The Philadelphia Phillies? Lazy. Like the Cincinnati Cincies, the Baltimore Balties, or the New Jersey Jerseys. So if you're ever in charge of naming a professional sports franchise, just remember: in the absence of inspiration, relevance is irrelevant...

The first guy to use sarcasm must have had a tough time getting his point across. That was a musing, and I'm Dean Christopher...

[Edited on 11/15/04 by deanchristopher]

Originally posted by deanchristopher
First he was a wide-out. Then he was a quarterback. And now he's a punter. Baltimore's Kordell Stewart has reinvented himself yet again and put the kick back in "Slash," his bygone nickname that figures to experience a renaissance of its own. When starting punter Dave Zastudil separated his shoulder during this past Sunday's game against the Jets, Stewart was ready, willing and able to fill his shoes. Literally. "Slash" averaged 35.4 yards on five punts with two inside the twenty to boot, effectively kick-starting a Ravens rally that culminated in a 20-17 overtime victory at the Meadowlands...

At least he's still finding ways to stay viable in this league.

Should we also consider his teammate Ray Lewis "slash?"

The only predictable element of today's NFL is unpredictability. Such is the state of modern professional football. Sadly though, this league-wide phenomenon known as Parity is looking more like mediocrity with each passing week. With the exception of the Patriots, Steelers and Eagles, every team has been - on average - very average in 2004. So what's next for the National Parity League? A season in which all 32 franchises finish 8-8? Could be. Just imagine the tie-breakers come playoff time...

I've noticed that you don't like the parity of the NFL too much, but I find it creates an excitement, in that each year, it's anyones game, and many teams are stil in the hunt at the end of the season, giving the fans reason to cling on to hope. Only to have it dashed at the hand sof the dang patirots...

Karl Malone was never the Mailman. He was the Postmaster, and John Stockton was the Real Mailman all along. Think about it: Stockton delivered the mail en route to becoming the all-time assist leader in the NBA, while Malone dominated the low-post by cashing in on the Mailman's timely deliveries. Somewhere along the line, the Utah Nickname Commission dropped the ball...

Stock was the best, most unheeralded player ever. and he didn't need a nickname. But, Malone made him, as much as he made Malone.

The first guy to use sarcasm must have had a tough time getting his point across. That was a musing, and I'm Dean Christopher...

Another great post, Dean, thanks for your insight...

Yeah, I don't like Parity because there are fewer and fewer great teams to watch, but I certainly realize how good it is for the popularity of the league. Fan attraction is at an all time high and growing by the day. Most people like the idea of their team having a chance to compete on a year-to-year basis, which makes sense, and the NFL is well aware of all this. It's just harder to find a well played game from start to finish in today's league, as so many teams are just plain mediocre. Don't get me wrong - I still love it, just not as much.

What is your favorite team, anyway? I'd guess the Pats, from your posts.