Profiles on weird losing politicians..

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As the votes are finalized and the bloodthirsty, foreigner-killing, minority-hating Republicans claim their lead over the spineless, tree-humping, baby-stabbing Democrats, we are left with nothing but questions.

Well actually, that sentence is wrong. We have a #load of answers, such as "who won the elections" and "my candidate didn't lose by one vote, so now I don't have to feel guilty for refusing to hoist myself off my lard-studded ass and actually vote for them."

However, for each winner, there is at least one loser. And for each loser, there are at least two major, bigtime, extreme, wacko losers. We're talking about the candidates that somehow managed to grab less than .0001% of the vote, which equates to "even the candidate themselves accidentally voted for somebody else."

In today's update, we'll look at the big, horrible, disgusting, repugnant failures that were completely reamed this election year, examine their campaign moves, and attempt to figure out how they couldn't even convince the people in the bar they live in to vote for them.

We will accomplish this by using very advanced, high tech, confusing machinery that contains many rows of randomly flashing lights, all of which serve no purpose but to distract us from the fact that we paid millions of dollars for a machine that accepts punchcards to configure its light-flashing sequences.