(DOC) The First and Last Ride of Redneck Bill

“Look, Bill. Whatever you do, you can’t tell these folks why you’re really here.”

“Why cain’t I? My intentions is entirely respectable. ‘Sides Chuck, I aim to go down inta history. I’ll be famouser than Ned Muhelmuhey over in Tyler County. You know, people still talk about him today.”

“Well, havin’ yer’ toilet blow up an’ set fire to a bunch of dogs ain’t nothin’ special. Downright embarassin’ if you ask me.”

“It were a good idea, even if he needed to work the bugs out. A combination hot water heater an’ commode could’ve come in right handy. Propane is just so darn tricky to work with.”

“It is when you ain’t got the sense God give a camel. He’s lucky that flamin’ john only came down on his kennel, an’ not on his head. Mrs. Sample almost died of fright when she seen them dogs runnin’ through the woods behind her house. Thought the hounds of Hell were after her. You know, Ned better be thankful that them fire department folks could revive that old woman, God bless her.”

“Hey, lookit that one over there. It looks like it could do the job. Not too big… ‘Pears about right for a small pony. I reckon the girths’ gotta’ be ‘bout the same.”

“Bill, I’m tellin’ you, it can’t be done!”

“What I need from you is less negativity, an’ more positive thinkin’. Now see if you can find me some saddle soap. That leather looks kinda’ stiff, and I don’t wanna’ have my backsides all chafed when I ride into history.”

“You mean ride into the grave.”

“Yer’ a gloomy sonofagun, you know that? Doctor Phil would have a field day with you. How yer wife puts up with you, I can’t figure. Now keep lookin’ for that soap. Do you think I need a bit for its mouth? After all, the steerin’ is gonna’ be the toughest part.”

“Do you need a bit?! Well if you can get it on without loosin’ your arm, I spect it could come in a might handy!”

“Hell, Chuck, I was just askin. You don’t have to git all riled about it. Why is it you find it so hard to be supportive? Is there some issues you need to work through? My therapist tole’ me that…”

“I don’t suppose you told your therapist about this stunt, did ya’ Bill? Huh? Did ya?”

“There ain’t nothin’ to tell. She can read all about it when I’m famous. I got it all planned out. I’ll jus’ drop down from the tree, with the saddle ‘tween my legs. Right onto its back I’ll go, then ride off to fame and glory… You know, on second thought, maybe I won’t use a bit. It may be a little trickier than I ‘spected. I’ll just throw some rope around its neck. That’ll do it.”

“Bill…you ever seen that Charlie Brown cartoon where all the kids is goin’ trick-er-treat’n? You know that part where Charlie Brown ends up with a bag full of rocks instead of candy? Well, that bag of rocks is a right bit smarter than you are. Ma always said yer’ brain was a little on the watery side.”

“You see? There you go again with all them negative thoughts. Why do you reckon’, Chuck, that whenever you see someone on the verge of success, that you gotta’ say hurtful things? Huh? You tell me one good reason why this ain’t the best idea you ever heared of.”

“Well, Bill, maybe it’s just because…BEARS DON’T LIKE TO BE RODE!”

“Well, Chuck… you certainly got ever’ones’ attention. If someone steals my idea now, an’ beats me inta the history books, you ‘n me are gonna’ have words."

“I swear, I liked you better when you were drinkin’.”

Observation of the year:

"Well, havin’ yer’ toilet blow up an’ set fire to a bunch of dogs ain’t nothin’ special."

Awe-some.

I just realized this is above the word count. I understand if it is disqualified. I just hope it was enjoyed. Thanks.

Redneck slang can be pretty hard to read and understand, I tend to try to imitate the accent in my head and well.... You have very great lines in there, I liked reading it.