Researching options for divorcing men who want custody

I know this is the wrong forum, but I cannot post in BTS at all - deleted cookies, ect and still I can't log in. I am sure this will be moved to BTS soon. (thanks mods)


Anyways, I am on my way to a divorce and I am researching my options.

My wife has been to several therapist and psycologists for depression and mental illness, for a few years now. She goes for a bit, takes meds, then quits - gives up. Is constantly angry with everyone for everything - enjoys nothing.

A few days ago, I told it was time to 'crap or get off the pot' - that life is too difficult with her constnat anger at anything she can find - including past events if she can't find anything today. She said she doesn't want to change, so I said it is time to end the suffering.

15 years together and 3 kids - I said we should do everything 50/50. We'd combine our incomes and make sure we both had equal amounts, get two 2 bedroom apts and share our children equally.

No! She said with no reason why - she obviously is looking at that child support with hunger.

The kids want to go with me - I am the one who does everything with them - playing, trips, spritual teaching, get ready for school, ect.

I am not rich - paycheck to paycheck. A lawyer would be out of my reach, I am considering representing myself.

If she is not going to agree with shared custody, I am thinking about fighting for full custody.

So.... to those who have been down this road before me, please advise. I don't want to be a visiting father with 4 days a month. My kids are my life.

Thank you, keep me in your meditations.



Note, I won't be able to reply once the mods move this to BTS unless I can get my log in to work, but I'll be reading.

Sorry, but if you want the kids, you'll need a lawyer. Check around with people you know for a reccommendation for a really good divorce lawyer. I know you say you can't afford one, but seriously, what is it worth to keep your kids?

godservent... My sympathies. I've been there. I've actually been there both ways: I went through a bitter, devastating divorce back in the early nineties that took years to recover financially. And my current wife suffers from bi-polar disorder. So, my friend, I feel your pain.

Darkelf is right. The very first thing you need to do is get a lawyer. Get a very, very good lawyer and one that has had experience in handling father/custody issues. Know that your state is highly prejudicial in favor of the mother. Also know that her lwayer will do and say anything to win. When I went to a lawyer at the very beginning of my divorce the lawyer said to be ready for child molestation accusations. I laughed at her. It was a ridiculous idea. She assured me it was on 'page 1 of the divorce play book'. I was shattered.

Secure your checkinging accounts, bank accounts, credit cards. Conatact the credit reporting agencies (all 3) and have them put an alert on your credit so that NO accounts can be opened without your approval. Her attorney will instruct her to empty your accounts and max your credit cards ASAP.

This will be uglier than you can imagine. I'm sorry but its true. You will survive. But take actions NOW to protect yourself.

Sorry to hear this man, I have been divorced 18 years now, but had no problems.
You really must get a lawyer and secure you accounts as members above have said.

On a brighter note I have to say that my divorce has given me a relationship and a closeness with my son that would never had happened if I was still married.

[edit on 19/5/2006 by Sauron]

Sorry to hear this. I've never been married, so have no personal experience in this area, but I agree the best thing to do is to get a good lawyer. It has been said that the man who represents himself has a fool for a client

Well, since the mods haven't moved this to BTS yet, I can reply.

I guess I will be looking into getting a lawyer. No one has done any good representing themselves? Why? And if one doesn't have the money to buy a lawyer, where do they get one?

I am in the process of getting my own bank account. Next week I will be changing my direct deposit from our joint account into my account.

Thank you SOOOO much for advice all.

We still live under the same roof. I have been told two different things. 1) Move out and get a 2 bedroom apt - don't let her talk you into saying with friends or getting a 1 bedroom. 2) Don't move out or she can get you for desertion.

What is true?

[edit on 19-5-2006 by godservant]

Do not represent yourself in this. I repeat: do not. You will get taken. Your wife has shown, through her anger and her response to you, that she doesn't care about your wants or needs, and you can count on this carrying over into the courtroom as well.

From a friend who has been through this, and not been taken to the cleaners (the second time, anyway), I'll give you his standard book recommendation Divorce Busting by Michelle Weiner-Davis. There are, as I understand, also some forums like ATS for that book.

In all, you have my sympathies on the situation, but you need to get organized on this. Document everything, CYA, and don't do anything to aggrivate the situation, and you should be fine. The courts are still somewhat biased towards the mother in custody cases, but this has started to get better in the last couple years.

I am a mother of two and it greatly disgraces me to see these greedy mothers who only want sole custody for child support. My mom is that type and she's always telling me that I should have full custody of my son and not let him see his dad hardly at all (I share joint custody) and it just makes me so mad.

Anyways, have you looked into seeing if you would qualify for legal aide? Well, if it's available in your state anyways. You are definatly going to need a lawyer if you are going to go for full custody because the burden of proof will be on you to prove that she is unfit to have custody of the children.

Be prepared to accept the fact that you won't get custody. That's just something that men have to accept. Unless she's a murderer or a crack addict, she's gonna get custody.

As far as representing yourself, if you do that you'll end up looking like a fool because her lawyer is going to tear you to pieces. Don't do it!!!!

Peace

Originally posted by Dr Love
Be prepared to accept the fact that you won't get custody. That's just something that men have to accept. Unless she's a murderer or a crack addict, she's gonna get custody.

That's not true at all. My best friend, who is a woman, did not win custody of her son shortly after he was born. She is a decent person, never been in trouble with the law, and has never done drugs. The father simply had more money to afford a better lawyer.

Good lawyers are definatly the key to a father winning custody.

Originally posted by snowflake_obsidian
Anyways, have you looked into seeing if you would qualify for legal aide? Well, if it's available in your state anyways. You are definatly going to need a lawyer if you are going to go for full custody because the burden of proof will be on you to prove that she is unfit to have custody of the children.

You still have to pay a legal aid laywer (at least I did) and mine was useless. I would suggest taking a loan if you have to, but get a good laywer.

I agree with Darkelf.
DO NOT represent yourself in a custody dispute. I work in family law every day and this is just a no-no. Also, do not leave your home!!
Like previous posters advised, your children are the most loved, cherished things in your life.....get an accomplished divorce attorney who SPECIALIZES in family law only. Even if you have to borrow from family, put it on a credit card, get a loan, etc.
Forget a pro bono attorney....they just don't take divorce cases like this unless severe physical abuse is involved.

Although, you may want to ask your wife if she'll attend mediation with you to try to come to some settlement BEFORE you both shell out the dough to the lawyers. In most states, mediation is a REQUIRED process before heading to trial anyway!! Check with your state and see if this is required. May as well try it since you may have to do it anyway.

Also, keep a journal (hidden) regarding incidents wih your wife and her illness. This can be used as evidence at trial, if needed. Hopefully, it won't go that far.

Good luck too.....

Originally posted by darkelf

You still have to pay a legal aid laywer (at least I did) and mine was useless. I would suggest taking a loan if you have to, but get a good laywer.

It all depends. Here in Minnesota you don't have to pay a legal aide lawyer. My friend that lost custody of her son had a legal aide lawyer who wasn't very interested in the case therefore didn't do a good job. However my mom had a legal aide lawyer for her divorce who was quite the man-hating type, so she helped my mom quite a bit.

It's better than nothing though.

I'm so sorry to hear this, but I totally understand.

Please don't move out! That's how fathers lose their kids.

Read and contact people to find out what you should do. There are advocacy groups that will help you. My thoughts are with you and my heart goes out to you...

Custody for Fathers Links
Fathers Rights
Dad's Divorce

Good luck to you!

Originally posted by sdp333

Also, keep a journal (hidden) regarding incidents wih your wife and her illness. This can be used as evidence at trial, if needed.

Very good advice!

And be patient.

[edit on 19-5-2006 by Benevolent Heretic]

Yay, I can log in now. Stupid cookies - thought 'cookies' was supposed to be a good word. (thanks Springer)

Thank you BH and all for the advice. I am so bogged down with this already - tired.

Here is what I have gathered so far from here and other places.

Do not move out.

Get a lawyer.

Get a notebook and start writing daily logs.

Take control of my finances.

I very much appriciate the support. I will be following this advice. There are good folks on public forums. I will be sure to provide updates and progress as it may serve another well when they go down this most unwanted road.

Divorce sucks - people against people, why? :bnghd:

Check around there cld be pro bono lawyers that might simpathize with u ur best bet is to bring up her condition... label her the bad guy it might be a low blow using her condition but she has shown she will probably do anything to win custody and make u suffer then so should u

[edit on 24-5-2006 by Ares911]

[edit on 24-5-2006 by Ares911]