Quotes by Professors

Seeing that ya'll is such a learnded bunch I figured you'd enjoy some of these. Get the rest here.


I would point to a periodic table, but we don't have a periodic table. We just have Jesus. [V.U. is a Catholic university, and so most classrooms have a crucifix in them.]

Equations are living things.

Electrons are just purple hazes with green racing stripes.

Notice on this clam diagram that the intake and excretion tube labeling are reversed? This is a literal way of saying, Eat s--- and die!

If you want to really get rid of an enemy, all you have to do is renormalize his wave function to zero over all space and time. Then, not only does he not exist now, but he never *did* exist!

Meddle not with dragons, for you are crunchy and good with ketchup.

I mean well, but so did Hitler.

This works every time, provided you're lucky.

The goal of physicists is to find a use for every branch of mathematics. The goal of mathematicians is to invent a new field of mathematics that has absolutely no practical use.

Thermodynamics is an experimental science. Statistical mechanics isn't. I can have a griffon flying around the room if I want. [Obviously said in a stat.mech. class.]

What, do you have some sort of mental block? It is trivial!

You know, that signature will be famous someday when you become a serial killer.

OK, I know you guys were praying for snow, but it didn't come. I guess you'll have to switch to devil worship.

This cross has no religious significance, I assure you. It's just there to mark the center of the galaxy.

We were just wondering why the university needs 14 digits for the code on the evaluation forms. It's like the "credit card syndrome." If you look at the number on a credit card, you'll see that there are more numbers than there are people on the planet. We were wondering if there are enough numbers to give every person one and all the sheep as well.

Prof: So what happens when the spacecraft reaches Mars?
Student: It crashes.
Prof: Well, let's say *you're* guiding the spacecraft and not NASA.

You vegetarians have to watch out too, for mad tofu disease.

I think Alaska should annex Hawaii and then it could the the farthest north, farthest west, farthest east, *and* farthest south state of the United States.

I think I can speak for the government and say that we'll give you Oklahoma.

We were making fun of the asteroids before, but from the Sun's viewpoint, we might as well make fun of the planets, too.

If all the galaxies are moving away from us, are we in a special place in the universe? I know we're special, but do we stink or something?

Suppose your name is Pessimist and you're right . . .

I told him to assume zero prior knowledge and infinite intelligence