A modest proposal for solving the immigration crisis, page 1

The issue of immigration is a hot topic these days across the country and even on ATS.

The immigration debate in Washington led to demonstrations all across the country, involving thousands upon thousands of demonstators - even in Chicago.

Though, knowing Chicagoans as I do (most of my relatives live in the Chicago area), I suspect the Windy City demonstration may have been a combination of people upset over the loss of Frank Thomas to Oakland, people who misread their calendar and missed the St. Patrick's Day Parade, or women running to get the newest Oprah's Book Club Selection.

Some believe that this issue will lead to a new American civil war. We can't have that now, can we? Seriously, which side would the French help this time?

Finally, in a trend that is clearly worrying scientists worldwide, even the polar bears are looking to immigrate to the US.

At least one other ATS thread addresses the immigration issue. And as everyone knows, if there are multiple ATS threads covering an issue, then clearly, something must be done. Let's attack this problem step by step - starting with the most pressing issue. Where are we going to put all these people?

Fortunately, a pioneering social scientist from Drake University in Iowa has shown us the way. With his carefully crafted and brilliantly executed experiment, Skyler Bartels has solved our immigration crisis: Let the immigrants live in Wal Mart.

Right now, you are no doubt asking yourself, how does what Skyler did apply to immigration? Well, I'll tell you: Skyler proved that people can live in Wal-Mart.

Wal-Marts stores are scattered fairly uniformly across the country, to say nothing of the "Super Wal-Mart" and "Sam's Club" stores. Why not use them more effectively?

Of course, Skyler only lived in the Wal-Mart for a mere 41 hours. But, his experiment was cut short because he was constantly looking over his shoulder - just like an illegal immigrant who fears detection by the INS.

What's that you say? We can't force Wal-Mart to house immigrants? Why not? The courts in Massachusettss (a state full of famous immigrants) recently copied Illinios in forcing Wal-Mart to stock contraceptives that many anti-immigrant facists find offensive. If the courts can force Wal-Mart to do that, then they can do anything!

Think about it:
If eminent domain lawsuits can turn the constitution on its head and force individuals out of their homes in favor of a comprehensive redevelopment plan, why can't we take it a step further and force a comprehensive consumer giant to help this country solve our nation's most pressing and difficult issues?

Stop the madness now! Open the doors of Wal-Mart to our nation's most under-appreciated resource, our undocumented guest workers!

Obviously, this is just the beginning of an idea. Many details remain to be fleshed out, and that, my dear fellow ATS'ers is why I have posted this here. I need your help - how can we implement the brilliant vision of young Mr. Bartels? How many people can live in a Wal-Mart? How will we feed them? Where will they sleep? How do we keep them from being eaten by the polar bears?