Trying to kick depression

Just wondered if there was anyone else out there who suffers from depression. I have always been prone to depression, even since I was young. I don't mean in the sense that I sit around and mope and cry all day long. I consider myself a nice, fun loving person and up until recently the depression thing hasn't been that bad. More of a "glass half empty" outlook, like a desperation stemming from low self esteem, hidden low self worth, and a real nasty feeling that things no matter what are just gonna suck and never be good no matter what. It's a strange feeling to have, having everything in your life be perfectly fine in reality, but constantly feeling like things will go wrong or feeling like life is horrible, even when it's not.

Winston Churchill called it his Black Dog that followed him everywhere. I understand that manic depression and bi polar disorder are very common among creative types, which would explain a lot because I am a musician and song writer and I draw from my sorrow and inner pain quite a bit when writing. It helps a lot because it is my only real productive outlet.

This past year for me has been pure hell. I came out of a very mentally abusive relationship of four years, my ex girlfriend was a violent alcoholic and was very unstable. I was stuck in California living with her, trying to babysit her problems, away from my family and friends who were on the east coast. She would often be very abusive, and I would likewise, but she would constantly threaten suicide she made my life pure hell and the whole ordeal left a big scar on my mind. A year and a half ago I just broke it off, and drove back east to start a new life because I was so miserable. In the last year, I have suffered so many set backs.

First my dog, who I had for ten years and loved more than anything, got some bizarre illness and died. I spent weeks and thousands of dollars to try and help him but in the end they couldn't find what was wrong and I had to put him down because he was suffering so. That was so hard and it really tore my heart out. Barely a month later, my father unexpectedly passed away, before I could even grieve for my pup. At this point I felt cursed. Then after all of this happenned, I became severely depressed, which in turn caused me to lose a good job that I had, because it was sales based and I just couldn't make myself do it every day.

Then my best friend in the world since middle school meets some girl, becomes deeply involved and more or less decided for some reason that I don't know that he didn't want to hang out or be my friend anymore. So now, I have been unemployed for two months, running out of money. I am so lonely and I am ashamed to admit to my family that I am depressed like this and cant take # anymore. It's like, even if I am happy this morning, I cant enjoy it because I know that by the end of the day the depression will set in even if nothing happens to trigger it. I have a new job to start next week which I dont even want. I hate myself for gaining a bunch of weight and I just feel like the lowest most SOL individual on earth.

Although I haven't seriously tried it, I have to admit that the idea of suicide floats through my mind more and more these days, even this afternoon. I always talk myslf out of that type of thinking, but it comes back even if I dont want it to. I could never do it if for no other reason that I couldn't put my mom through that. To anyone else out there with dpression, how do you handle it? What will work, therapy? My friend said that I probably have a saratonin imbalance and said I should get hooked up with some Prozac or other psychoactive meds but I dont want to end up a smiling, drooling zombie. And I am afraid that if I get all doped up it will change my whole personality and thwart any creativity that I have. Please feel free to make suggestions or share your stories with depression. People dont realize what kind of hell it can be if they have never been through it. Thanks for reading my nonsense


D.

Hey DE, I saw your post and wanted to respond. I too have had problems with depression in my life.

First off I cannot tell you that that you should not go see a doctor. I cannot tell you that you should avoid medication or just tough it out and be a man. I am not qualified to make those decisions where your life is concerned.

I can share with you my experiances and how I deal with them though.

There is not one day, not one single day that goes by, when I do not think of taking my life. I would never do it and I do not understand why or where these thoughts come from. Out of nowhere I suddenly get slammed with them and I have to put them away.

I went to the doctors and they were happy to put me on meds and council me. I don't like being on meds and I don't like being counciled. For me it was a matter of coming to terms with it on my own.

I had to realize that my life was my own to claim. I had to decide that those thoughts that seem to appear from out of the blue were not who or what I am. It ended up working for me.

Those thoughts are not me, they are just something I have to deal with each and every day. I made peace with that because its just another part of the wonderfully diverse person that I am.

What has worked for me though may not work for you. Please go see a doctor and explain the things you are going thru. If that is not an option then check your county health facilities, they have programs that might be able to help you.

You are not alone. U2U me and we can discuss this privately if you would like. I'll help you any way I can.

Love and light my friend,

Wupy

DiabolicEdict, when I read this my heart went out to you as I'm sure many others did as well. I, too, have had depression problems in my life, but a friend of mine suffered far worse than I have, yet his life has completely turned around. I sent him the link to this thread and asked if he could say anything. He did, and what he has to say follows:

My life was without purpose. Every moment I was alive was evidence to me that there was no real meaning in life. Every friend that I thought cared about me betrayed me, family members judged me, teachers ignored me. This was my daily life in junior high school. Every night I came home disgusted by the reality that I was faking my way through life, on the surface I was happy and loved every moment of life, on the inside I was alone and scared. If you have ever felt this dichotomy inside of you then you know that it is a cause of depression. I could not stand living two lives, not knowing which was real. Compound upon that all the guys calling me a homosexual, when I didn’t even know truly what that meant. A group of guys that I had become friends with turned their backs on me and began taunting and mocking me, the started a group called the HHK (Homosexual Haters Klan) in order to hurt me. From that day in junior high until my freshman year of college not a single day went by when I did not contemplate committing suicide. I never would, simply because I couldn’t hurt my family.

Something very unexpected happened my freshman year of college. I met a group of people who really cared about me. They wanted to spend time with me and to actually see how I was doing. I was amazed. As I began to hang out with them they brought me with them to a Christian event. After about a month of hearing the same things over and over again I began to listen. I had called myself a Christian for nearly 5 years at that point, but I was missing gone critical piece. I had never made a decision to follow Christ. I new all the stuff about Jesus dying for me, and me being saved, and having eternal life, but I never understood how to get it. One night in November of my freshman year a pastor told the crowd that if we wanted to claim those promises we needed to make a decision, an actual every day decision to give control of my life over to Jesus and let Him be my God.

It wasn’t until three months later that I truly felt the impact of the decision I made. I was home over break in January and I realized that since that night I had not even contemplated committing suicide. I was awestruck. It was then that I truly began to understand the impact of my decision. Jesus is not a miracle drug. He is not going to come in and clean up your life and fix every issue you have. No what he is going to do is come into your life and give you hope and purpose. In the bible Jesus says “I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.” (John 10:10) God wants you to have a life that is truly abundant, overflowing with love, happiness, and joy. He came into my life, He gave me hope that even though I didn’t have all the answers He was enough to suffice. Even though I didn’t have the strength to face another day, He did. You may have never heard this before you maybe you have heard it a thousand times, but God loves you. Yes there is a God and He loves YOU!

I hope this helps you out in one way or another. If you need or want to talk, you can U2U me if you have enough posts to do so, or contact me on AIM (the little guy with the talk bubble behind him under this post). If you can't do either, post something on here and I'll U2U you my email address.

Aye, depression sucks. I've been prone to it all my life, and I too am of the creative type. With roses you also get thorns.

The best advice I can give is this: like who you are. If you are the source of your own happiness, then no one and nothing no matter how bad your luck gets, can take it away from you. Perspective is everything.

Unfortunately, that won't stop us from feeling negative emotions... they often appear for no particular reason. Just make sure that when you do feel one of those negative emotions coming on, don't try and associate it with your self-esteem in any way. It's too easy to get caught in a vicious-circle of depression. If you start feeling depressed, just remember it's your brain creating a certain chemical to make you feel that way. There's no reason to feel depressed.

One other thing... don't suppress emotions. Experience them, but don't let them control you... control THEM.

Learn from the bad experiences and you won't regret having them.

My heart goes out to you as well as my prayers. I have suffered from depression all my life but it got really bad and became major depression about 10 years ago. It went undiagnoseds for a long time. I was at odds with everyone I knew, low self-esteem, no energy, couldn't create or get anything done, and alot of other horrible symptoms. It was only when I went on meds 6 years ago that I got any relief. Slowly, my life began to turn around. I'm no longer angry at the world or with my friends, so my friendships work much better. I am happily married now for the last 2 years and we both retired and moved across the country to buy some land deep in the mountains. I still have bad days, days when I can't get anything done. Most importantly perhaps, I've been free of suicide thinking (big time symptom of major depression) for 6 years now. I'm happy with myself. I also had 5 years of Jungian therapy in there, which was also extremely helpful.
That's my experience. I am also a psychotherapist and I can tell you t hat depression is greatly misunderstood by the vast majority of folk. Depression is actually when your brain is not picking up electrical signals at all or very slowly - at least that's my way of explaining it. But basically your brain is not working as fast or as well as it should, hence the name depression. There are a number of causes for depression and 2 main types. There is depression and then there is major depression. Major depression can only be treated with meds, ask any doctor or anyone with major depression. Suicidal ideation is a big symptom of major depression and you may want to look into meds. Contrary to popular belief, they do not make you a drooling zombie. Above all read books about what depression really is, there's so much misinformation out there about it
Lastly, I have found Welbutrin to be a very good anti-depressant. In 6 years neither myself or my husband (also has major depression) have had any bad side effects from it. It does, however, make you smarter and can actually cause you to lose a little bit of weight, if you're overweight.
Good luck, and if you need to talk U2U, just e-mail me and I'll be glad to answer questions, share experiences and be supportive of you.
This is a medical illness, it is not your fault.

- Forestlady

I think a decent thread on depression is long overdue. I've had it all my life and as I stated in my previous post, took medication for it awhile. I think it is slowly but surely become less of the stigma that it once was.

I don't think I suffer from major depression, simply because I quit taking the meds and was able to function just fine. I know when those bad thoughts come along that I can simply push them away and get on with what i'm doing. I can't stop them from happening, but I can control them when they do. I'm one of the lucky ones.

I also think many meds are being over prescribed, especially to our children.

Just my thoughts,

Wupy

Not sure if this has been said before as I only skimmed(Tired) I have some common sense advice, before you see a doctor write these things down and check them off.

1. Improper Diet(Not getting enough nutrients, vitamins, protean, or carbs, or a combination, only you can tell)

2. Insufficient Sunlight (You need at least 30 minutes of DIRECT sunlight per day for Vit D, or get a sunlight lamp, they are expensive, but they have directly lead to a decline in suicides in some of the Nordic countries(they have the highest suicide rates in the world, forget who's the first though))

3. Insufficient Excersize (At least 20-30 minutes of brisk walking every day, the more time, the merrier)

4. Odd Sleeping Patterns/Insomnia(everyone needs sleep, you need to find out how much sleep you need and make sure you get it. If you have insomnia, then try to eliminate your intake of caffinated products at least 6 hours before bed time)

If it should persist, even after the various lifestyle changes have been made, then you may have a physical chemical imbalance. If it persist's for a long period of time then seek help!

Originally posted by sardion2000
2. Insufficient Sunlight (You need at least 30 minutes of DIRECT sunlight per day for Vit D, or get a sunlight lamp, they are expensive, but they have directly lead to a decline in suicides in some of the Nordic countries(they have the highest suicide rates in the world, forget who's the first though))

Althought suicide rates in the Nordic countries are high.....Lithuania has the highest rate at 75/100,000. Of course, Lithuania has long winters and decreased periods of sunlight which would explain part of this. It would seem however, that the suicide rate in Lithuania is high because of some sort of collective national post traumatic stress syndrome from years of Soviet occupation and domination. All the former "satellites" of the Soviet Union have high rates of suicide. Still, the suicide rate in Lithuania is phenomenally high and it would be difficult to discern the cause.

Incidentally, I also suffer from bi-polar depression, an anxiety disorder and post traumatic stress disorder. The fact that I also happen to be Lithuanian myself does add a bit of anxiety to my life. However, although I have had periods in my life where I would have suicidal thoughts, I have come to understand that suicide is not a viable option. Many people who are depressed and who contemplate suicide often think that their death would not affect others as often low self esteem leads these people to assume that "everyone would be better off without them". Let me simply state that, through personal experience, I have learned that suicide is like a hand grenade. Many people who know -- even casually -- someone who commits suicide, are struck by this psychic shrapnel. It affects so many people, so adversely, that it behooves everyone to educate themselves about suidice, depression and bi-polar so as to be to be in a position to recognize suicide risks among family and friends and even acquaintances. Suicide can be prevented just as depression and bi polar can be treated.

I have suffered with depression all of my life, I have been on meds a few times as well.I am happy to say that I have been off meds for about 6 months now and doing pretty good. That is not to say that I don't still have bad days, it just means that I can actually function day to day,[make decisions] My mom had problems with depression as well, years ogo, I have come to know the sign, when I need help, when I start to think up ways to kill myself, when I start having problems making even the most basic decisions, than for me that means I need help. One thing I found that helped me last time was to keep a journal, write in it very day, it doesn't matter if it makes sence or not.just writing seamed to help before long,hopefully, you will be able to write your feeling ect..
I hope this helps

I was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder over 15 years ago. I got tired of being a pharmecuetical guinnie pig and got off all meds. I have been med free for over three years now and successfully control my behavior.

I still suffer depression from time to time, but I understand what is going on and try to do things that help me. Suicide is always an option in my mind, but one that I won't take. Having a good support group (family, friends, etc) also helps.

You are not alone. We all have our crosses to bear. Good luck on yours.

I myself have had periods of depression, when I was in my early teenage years. The way in which I beat it was actually through exercise. I just do a few hours a night and after it has been done, you do feel a lot better. It also helps a lot of other things.

Might be worth giving a go.

DiabolicEdict,

Firstly what you posted was not nonsense at all.
I've had some bouts with depression. Though none in the recent years.
For me, I found that it would become worse if I isolated myself.
Then the only thoughts , are your own. And I'm sure you know how self reinforcing your own thoughts can be.

Again, for my situation (others may differ) I found that helping others
provided positive feedback, to the negative cycle of my own thoughts.
And I mean helping others, in all sorts of ways.

I saw a neighbor (whom I hardly knew) stacking wood in his front yard.
I walked over and gave him a hand, without being asked.

Even little things, that bring a smile to another's face..
Helping a vertically challenged person get something off the top shelf at the grocery store.

Be extra kind to people, and the positive feedback is priceless..


Get decent amounts of sleep
I agree with Odium, about exercise. It even helps you sleep better, if you don't do it too close to bedtime!

Ive delt with it did for several years, to sum it up it realy sux, theres not much more you can say about it, If your a soda or coffee drinker, cutt back on it, caffeine is a major stimulant, I used to drink nothing but soda, (literally), after reading up on its effects, i completely stoped drinking anything that contained caffeine, since then the depresssion is nearly gone, there are times when i notice the depression, but its very rare these days.

This wont work for everyone as we are all diff and there are diff forms of depression and causes for it, but its something to consider.

And sardion is right on with everything listed, all good advice..

[edit on 21-4-2006 by C0le]

I was diagnosed with dysthemia in 2000 (long running depression lasting upwards of two years) I suffer daily, some days worse than others.

Diet, excercise, medication, therapy, reading self-help books, talking about it, limiting the use of alcohol/drugs, caffeine and other stimulants....endless list.

The best way I've found is a combination of all the above with the greatest emphasis on TALKING about it. It's sadly very common now adays and is more frequently diagnosed than ever before...now that we KNOW what the heck it is and aren't afraid to discuss it.

A great book I read that wasn't all fluff and babble was:

Feeling Good, by David D. Burns M.D.

Has mood charts, cognative skill training and is really quite insightful without being your typical "flaky self help crap".

It points out first and foremost that being depressed has absolutely nothing to do with happiness or lack there of. Depression is it's own animal. It affects perceptions of happiness, self esteem, self worth, needs and wants... it's a pervasive state of mind and if not dealt with can spiral.

I recommend, the above book!

You're in good company, DiabolicEdict. I also suffer from depression, insomnia, anxiety. I have had very bad days. I pray a lot for God to lift this burden from me. I was told i suffer from post traumatic depression. Not a day goes by that i dont envision some very bad things. I go through hell. My preocupation with something happening is going too far.
If an ambulance goes by, i have to call everyone i know so i can have some peace.
The worse part is, i constantly worry over what could happen instead of living life one day at a time.
Beleive it or not, the only saving grace i have is my OCD. It keeps me REAL busy most of the day- sort of takes me on cleaning binges, not only MY house, but my kids house as well- There's never enough cleaning to be done as far as i'm concerned- and then, there's ATS.
If you can find a little comfort in talking to people (or even arguing a little) this place will be a blessing to you as it is to me.
I hope we arent all making you more depressed, we just want you to know you are not alone.
God bless you and take care.