To pursue, or not to pursue.

I met this girl last year, sometime in October I believe. We exchanged phone numbers the first day we met, I really had a thing for her. However I am not one who will just immediately date someone ive just met, I wanted to wait atleast a month for us to get to know each other a little better. So we started hanging out quite frequently and started to get a little closer. I told her I wanted to date her back in December and she told me she doesn't think of me that way, she thinks of me as a really good friend. However, a lot of the things she says contradicts what she has said earlier in the friendship. For example, she told me she wanted to have sex with me back in October but I told her no because im not like that. When I told her I liked her and wanted to date her she told me that I "lost my chance", that since we are friends now she will never date me. This girl, she is the complete opposite of myself, the whole "opposites attract" thing is soooooo true, I like her so damn much. She has never had a boyfriend, she has issues with trusting people...I am actually the first REAL friend of hers, she has told me things that she has never told anybody else...and that means something to me. We connect on such a great emotional level that I want to move to a physical level, but she does not....atleast not anymore since we are friends. Now my question to you...is it worth it? Is it worth all the effort?

Should I move on and forget about her, or maintain the friendship? The reason I ask is because I can't seem to go for any other women while being friends with her, I haven't had physical contact with the opposite sex since ive met her. She really means a lot to me, and I want to pursue her because ive never been so attracted to someone in my whole life (im 18 btw).

Is there a possible "advancement" in the future if I continue to be friends with her?

I just don't know what I should do, I don't want anyone else but her...and she doesn't seem to want me back...it kills me!

Thanks in advance,

Dustin

Originally posted by ASSASSIN651
When I told her I liked her and wanted to date her she told me that I "lost my chance", that since we are friends now she will never date me.

Dude, if she said something like that, she's not worth it. And the fact that she wanted to have sex but just considers you a friend? Sounds like she doesn't want a boyfriend, just a sex buddy. And it sounds to me like you want something more than just physical pleasure. Well there's a lot of chicks out there who feel the same.

[edit on 22-2-2006 by sanctum]

Originally posted by Kruel

Originally posted by ASSASSIN651
When I told her I liked her and wanted to date her she told me that I "lost my chance", that since we are friends now she will never date me.

Dude, if she said something like that, she's not worth it. And the fact that she wanted to have sex but just considers you a friend? Sounds like she doesn't want a boyfriend, just a sex buddy. And it sounds to me like you want something more than just physical pleasure. Well there's a lot of chicks out there who feel the same.

I honestly believe that she just doesn't know what she wants. She did tell me that she doesn't know what the future holds.

Also I may want to correct what I said above...she didn't say she would "never" date me...thats just what I assumed when she said "no I dont want to date you".

[edit on 2/21/2006 by ASSASSIN651]

[edit on 22-2-2006 by sanctum]

She's scared. She's never been emotionally intimate with someone, thus never been vulnerable to anyone, and she has crossed this line with you by telling you things she's never told anyone etc.

You are *safe* as a friend. You can't break her heart as a friend. You can't judge her and stop liking her for the things she reveals as a friend...

to change that status of friendship would mean great risk for her. She would then risk rejection from you-again. You already rejected her sexual advances originally...um...SLAM. The fact she continued to be friends with you speaks volumes though...she may really respect you for that, after the initial rejection wore away.

SO then, having respect for you, created the comfort she feels in being friends with you...believing she can confide these things to you, and knowing you care about her...knowing your interesst is in her...not in sex with her...there is safety in that...she's not had to wonder what your intentions have been, and she has opened up.

What you ask of her now, is to let you actually love her for who she is...and she is not knowing how to go that route...SHe's had lovers I take it, but rarely friends if she confides in you like no other...and now you want to be what others have been, but left her waning in the end...a lover.

She doesn't want to lose you, your friendship, your unconditional non-judgemental, no expecation friendship and have you become like the rest-just a memory.

Sex changes everything.

If you want to, express this might be the case, and ask her to think about it-no pressure but just to think about the fact that a sexual relationship represents a new vulnerablity for her...one she's never had to deal with...sex with a friend, confidant, etc...ah....thats not really just sex then, it's making love...is that what she is really afraid of...the love?

FInd out, just by presenting it, asking her to think about it...is she afraid of being that vulnerable...if she is honest with herself and realizes yes...she will also realize it may be a risk worth taking with someone who understands that such a vulnerability should be respected.

She doesn't want to get hurt. Can you blame her?

If she doesn't see things the same way...slowly seperate yourself from her...do not let her use you as a "friend" without affection if you want it/need it...tell if it isn't progressing, fine...you are happy to be friends with her, you care about her and always will, but you can'[t spend as much time with her then...and start weaning her...she will likely be much more in tune with what she wants, and had , and has, and should come around to you

if not...then, set her free little by little, stay friends, but start seeing other girls romantically....this too may help her decide in what capacity she wants you in her life.

it's not game playing when you are honest and direct and just taking the proper steps.

JMHO, but trust me....ah...just trust me...talk to her and try to understand-and if she can't...then back off for your own sake-why pine and let your heart break in vain?

Ive never met a girl in my life who knows what they want. Dont go the sex buddy route, things end up wierd. I found this out my freshman year in college. We hooked up alot and before got to know each other. I ended up wanting more than sex she didnt, its also happened to a few of my friends. Thats why I will not have sex with a girl I am truely interested in before I get to know her, it only complicates things. But this also led me to believe(between my friends and my own experience) that no woman knows what she wants, but then again it could just be the youth and all.

Originally posted by ludaChris
But this also led me to believe(between my friends and my own experience) that no woman knows what she wants, but then again it could just be the youth and all.

I think it's indeed the youth. Womens around the 18s-20s are all like that... There's this saying that teenagers (especially girls) don't know want they want, but know what they DON'T want. Date womens in their thirties and you might notice a big difference... I dated a few womens in their mid or late thirties and yes, they really knew want they wanted!

But, ASSASSIN651, to go back to the main matter, I think that you might have waited for too long with this girl. Two months is somewhat a long delay for doing advances, at least for a girl like her. It's good to explore and develop a relationship of trust, but most girls just get turned on by the quickest chain of events rather than long and profound developments, and this is why it's the guys with the "bully", arrogant approach who get them in their bed. But that only mean you must try to push things up a little bit and be frank in your approach. It's cruel but it seems like things are going this way in this absurd world. Otherwise, I think it's better to just stay away from the flesh market and develop more spiritual and independent relations... but that's my point of view!

To me, when a girl you like gets to talk about being "good friends", it's the right time to make the big move to tell your feelings at once and then leave her. I'm telling this based on my experiences as of yet, and these are mostly made of "relational mismanagement" just as this one.


[edit on 24/2/06 by Echtelion]

[edit on 24/2/06 by Echtelion]

I want to thank everyone for they're input, I decided im just going to ride it out...because well..im already in a hole to deep to pull myself out of so I might as well just sit down and rot.

Yeah I geuss you could say im falling in love with her, sucks when the girl you love detests the idea of love completely...and not to mention the fact that she doesn't have the same feelings for you. But im happy being friends with her I geuss..I mean nothing I really can do to get her to love me. Maybe when she gets a little older she will realize how great of a guy I am! Untill then, best regards to you all and THANK YOU!!

Bring on the pain!! Haha...

Woman know that their body is desirable. But you say your opposite characters?
What i find about opposite people is that you usually do have one very big connection then lots of things which would push a relationship apart. I think she's probably just an interesting human and that yours is probably the right decision.

That said she might decide you should be a couple and you must think about whether you want the relationship ahead. But maybe your closure than it seems?
But there's no way you should be friends with someone just to get their body. Instead you should be friends because your friends and maybe because there's room for a relationship. That's how you know if you should be friends.

So i wish you a good outcome.