SUV Drivers Are Idiots -- Based On A True Story

Last night, Chicagoland got a little bit of snow. You may have heard about one of the side effects yesterday or today. Unfortunately for me, I work in the city and live about 20 miles away. In traffic conditions on a good day around 5:00, this means about an hour and a half commute. Throw 4 inches of fresh snow on every road, and that becomes significantly longer.

On top of that, my car, a Toyota Camry XLE, is in the shop. Thing handles beautifully in the snow, so naturally, thanks to Murphy’s observations, I don't get to drive that. Instead I'm in a 1990 Mazda Miata MX5. For those of you who don't know the car, it is a very small, very light rear wheel drive roadster, and the one I'm driving has bald tires. Bummer for me, but it's stick so I can actually get some traction on it and make it go forward instead of sideways. Maneuverability, however, is nil.

Naturally, living in such a rural community as Chicago, a lot of people have SUVs. I encountered the first genius about 5 minutes into my drive. This guy has been behind me for a little bit, and is apparently also trying to get to Interstate 94. I suspect this driver was feeling lonely, because there was never a moment when he was more than 3 feet away from my rear bumper. As I was turning onto the ramp to enter 94 and the back end of my car started to catch up with the front end, I feathered the clutch and gas, putting the car into second. After showing all sides of my car to the guy behind me who gets a very close look, he helpfully lays down on his horn as I get the car going forward as it should be. Then, as a helpful example, the kindly driver guns it on the ramp, passing me on the shoulder, whips around, cutting me off and jumping on the expressway, quickly slamming on his breaks, barely saving his pretty BMW SUV from slamming into the trailer of a semi. Deciding his example probably shouldn't be followed; I inch my way onto the highway and join the communal crawl.

Two hours later, I can't stand the highway anymore. I get off and decide to take side roads. A courteous fellow in a Jeep Cherokee that has been behind me for about a mile now after his little shoulder jaunt almost resulted in a big ol' accident with the car pulled over follows me down the ramp, probably thinking the same thing. We both start going down a frontage road, along with half the people living in Chicago, and proceed with a 5 mile per hour crawl down the road. One of my headlights is misaligned, and the SUV behind me must see this. To help out, he pulls up very closely to my bumper and starts flashing his brights over and over to illuminate the road a little better for me. He must have thought I was a bat, too, because he used his horn as a form of sonar for me, as well, periodically pressing it.

A thought occurs to me that this is the behavior some...people...display when they want the car in front of them to go faster. I look at the car about 10 yards in front of me and dismiss that idea as being insane. The guy behind me is just trying to help. For about a half hour this person is doing this, occasionally helping to illuminate the sides of the road, too, by swerving back and forth behind me. Finally the 4-way stop sign holding everyone up comes into view. I get to the sign, and start to pull away from it when I catch a pocket of snow/slush and stop moving. Slowly getting out of the little trap in the road, the SUV fellow bids farewell to me by laying on his horn, turning on his brights, and peeling out his four wheel drive while turning around my car then left in the intersection. I hear his tires spinning furiously moments before a loud "chirp" sound. The SUV barrels into the ditch on the side of the road after having gotten some traction, nose going down exposing his back bumper -- and a Kerry/Edwards sticker -- to the world. A 3-1-1 call later and I'm back on the road, taking a far less traveled path.

I get onto 176 going west when a small sedan zips by me. He goes flying through a red light, break lights illuminated, with cars traveling perpendicularly to his path. Somehow the guy gets through the intersection alive, but takes to going about 2 the rest of the time I'm behind him after catching up with him shortly after the light turned green. Looking at the Wisconsin license plates, I think to myself, "you should know better..." Driving behind my cheesehead friend, another SUV comes along. Again, this is rural Chicago, so you really need an SUV to get around. It has nothing to do with a status symbol, which is why you see so many Hummers and BMW SUVs.

Apparently we are in the way of this person, because they keep trying to pass us in the left lane (it's a 2 lane highway), but hitting his breaks and cutting back when he sees another car coming towards him. Otherwise, he's just helping me cope with the loss of the dome light in my Camry (the Miata doesn't have one). I reposition my side view mirror until the kindly driver behind me's face is illuminated by his brights every time he gets within about 5 feet of my bumper in my rear view mirror. Suddenly he decides to give me some following distance. Huh.

Finally turning into my neighborhood, I manage to get home with a whole new opinion of SUV drivers in Chicago. However, it could just have been that all the mentally capable SUV drivers weren't on the road last night. That's probably it.

NOTE: If you happened to be driving an SUV and wound up in a ditch at Gilmer and Riverwoods roads after trying to show your annoyance with a little red Miata On December 8th, feel free to send me a U2U, I'd love to chat

This happens like everytime I get out there on the streets, also since my car is so small (240z) these lifted trucks just pull right on top of me all the time. I believe the correct word is not idiots but SOCIOPATHS.

[edit on 2-1-2006 by trIckz_R_fO_kIdz]

LOL,
Fun read. I can't SUV's. Usually when I see one, it's carrying no passengers and being driven by a 102 pound soccer mom.

Great story! Glad you made it home alive.

If you don't like folks driving with Cracker Jack licenses you should stay out of Colorado! You would think in snow country these folk would know what to do but they can't seem to handle dry pavement either.

My wife and I have been taking a survey for about 17 months now. When we see some moronic maneuver we take note of the plates- so far 99.999% are Colorado. I am very surprised my car insurance didn't triple when I moved here.

I spent over a year driving on ice near the North Pole and now the only thing that bothers me is being around the morons on the road.

SUV owners should take a required 2 week course, in the laws of inertia.

I love driving in snow, and have done it a lot in that Miata. After all, it's a 1990 MX5 (yeah, it's old, but you can't get an MX5 in America anymore, so there!). I can, however, respect someone who realizes they can't drive in the snow. In nasty conditions when someone is driving about 5 when they could be going about 45 and still be in full control of their auto, I back off and give them the benefit of the doubt. It's the people that assume they can drive as though the nasty conditions don't exist because 4 of their wheels spin instead of 2 that drive me nuts.

If you ever want to see some horrible driving 4 seasons a year, live in the Green Bay Valley (a.k.a. Fox River Valley). I did for 3 years...It was awful. Simply awful. Those drivers...I dunno, I think they were looking behind themselves all the time, hoping Farve...I'm sorry, Favre, was about to throw them a pass. Judging by the news (first 15 minutes = Packer news...Non-football season they only would have about 5 to 10 minutes of Packer news before going to the real stuff...My idea of 9-12-01 in Green Bay? "In other news, the World Trade Center collapsed after terrorists flew planes into it. We'll be back with Bret to find out what he thinks of that!"), this may actually be true...

It is not all of them - just the ones that are jerks or attention whores to think they become cool based upon how much they spend on a car.

Henry Ford once said that there will never be more than a million people with drives licenses- I think he SHOULD of been right.

Now off the street:
I think my F-350 defies the laws of physics- it will out accelerate a stock, late model Vet- well up to 80 anyway- the thing is like a tug boat when not towing- very quick acceleration- no top end. whahahahaha

Originally posted by launchpad
It is not all of them - just the ones that are jerks or attention whores to think they become cool based upon how much they spend on a car.

Actually, I would have to disagree. It's the ones with little driving experience in severe weather conditions that think when they get behind the wheel of their SUV that all road conditions are the same as dry pavement because of 4-wheel drive that are the dangerous ones.

The SUV drivers who actually have a reason for an SUV, such as farm workers, hunters, and other folk who have to take their cars into adverse conditions for their work or hobbies typically understand what their vehicle is and is not capable of.