Need advice about a realtionship

Hey, thx for reading this in advance and any replies to this. Okay I asked this girl I liked out last monday, the 24 of oct( I asked her out by poem, might post it later if anyone actually wants to see it), we were friends for most of this year because we are in the same school. I'm a year ahead of her and this is my final year, which ends on 23 Nov.

I speak to her everyday during break and her between classes and we've been on one date which we ended up speaking and walking through the mall for an hour 45 mins. Now my questions come in:

First off, she doesn't like me buying her anything when we are on a date, like supper and movie tickets and such, but I was raised to the belief that it was the decent thing to do. Now what do I do? I feel really guilty if I don't pay for her and she refuses point blank to let me pay for anything.

Secondly, well we speak on average about 4 or so hours a day and well I can't think of anything else to talk about. Could somebody maybe give me suggestions of topics? We've covered basically everything I can think of.

And my last question, how do I stop my brain from turning to "fluff" around her. Normally I'm an absent minded person, but around her, it kinda gets a bit much. I've lost myself in her eyes more than once.

Anyway, thx for the help in advance.

Originally posted by Killer 5
First off, she doesn't like me buying her anything when we are on a date, like supper and movie tickets and such, but I was raised to the belief that it was the decent thing to do.

You might not want to hear what I have to say, but here goes anyways. Your quote I've selected tends to make me think she doesn't have romantic feelings for you. That doesn't mean that she won't in time, but right now I think she just wants to be friends.

Here's to hoping I'm wrong though.

Peace

[edit on 2-11-2005 by Dr Love]

First off, she doesn't like me buying her anything when we are on a date, like supper and movie tickets and such, but I was raised to the belief that it was the decent thing to do. Now what do I do? I feel really guilty if I don't pay for her and she refuses point blank to let me pay for anything.

Two things here... First, does SHE think of it as a date? She may be telling you to put on the brakes with this... Or... She just may not be as old-fashioned and have no problem going 'dutch'...hardly a large problem...

Secondly, well we speak on average about 4 or so hours a day and well I can't think of anything else to talk about. Could somebody maybe give me suggestions of topics? We've covered basically everything I can think of.

You may be firmly in "friend land" here....so be sure she sees this as a romantic relationship also. As for new things to talk about...if you can do new things (even seeing a new movie), then bam...you've got something new to talk about. This is likely the PRIME reason many couples get together with other couples (especially in adulthood), to mix up the conversation topics a bit...

And my last question, how do I stop my brain from turning to "fluff" around her. Normally I'm an absent minded person, but around her, it kinda gets a bit much. I've lost myself in her eyes more than once.

Only time will solve that one. Hopefully, she sees it as "cute", or at least that's the best way to play it off....

You may be firmly in "friend land" here....so be sure she sees this as a romantic relationship also. As for new things to talk about...if you can do new things (even seeing a new movie), then bam...you've got something new to talk about. This is likely the PRIME reason many couples get together with other couples (especially in adulthood), to mix up the conversation topics a bit...

no, she knowns it's in a romantic sense, but she says she feels guilty if I pay for everything and that it's out dated and she doesn't talk much except when we are alone, her friends say she has spoken to me in the last two weeks more than she has to them this whole year.

Originally posted by Killer 5
no, she knowns it's in a romantic sense, but she says she feels guilty if I pay for everything and that it's out dated and she doesn't talk much except when we are alone, her friends say she has spoken to me in the last two weeks more than she has to them this whole year.

Well, you conveniently left out these helpful bits of information for some reason.:bash:

The outlook is not as bad as I first expected, but I'm still not 100% that she doesn't see you as anything more than friends.

Peace

1) She may like to be independent, stand on her own to feet not carry on traidition. "Man does everything for a woman"
2) Lol i never have that problem....talk about the weather... talk about school and how you hate the teachers.....etc.
3) That is sooooo sweet. if she feels the same she is doing the same thing but some girls can hide that look but inside they are going mad with emotion and butterflies.

oni x x

ps: make sure she feels the same way as you......

Sorry man I think you are headed down the friend path here.

(something I did many many times)

You have two choices here imho:

1) Be an aggressive jerk who acts aloof as soon as she seems to be interested in you

(best chance to get intimate with her, i.e. - the low road)

or

2) Be a good friend to her and wait for her to be the aggressor - right now she may not be in that mindset, but maybe after a bad relationship with someone else she will be into you

(best chance to remain friends with her - i.e. the High Road)

For me - the High Road was the only way to go - but it required patience and a bit of frustration until I found the perfect woman to be my wife - and now we're one of the only couples we know who haven't had an infidelity or divorce in our age bracket.

There's kind of a third road you can take - become an excellent musician, artist, or athelete - that often brings a sex appeal that many woman can't resist - appeals to their lower brain or something...

(And hey our lower brain rules a lot of our behavior so don't judge them too shallow)

Whatever path you choose - Good Luck to You!



p.s. - and for what to talk about - don't talk about your geeky interests in those empty spaces, just prompt her to talk more about herself while you watch the T.V.

pshh...she has issues. one, from what you say, i gather she's shy. and two, a bit insecure. tis why she's uncomfortable with you paying. try to obey her wishes...offer to pay, but if she trips just shrug it off. don't make a big deal out of it.

four hours a day???---i mean, anyone would run out of things to say especially since this girl isn't a chatter box. so don't get all nervous about it. instead of talking so much try and think of things you guys can do that doesn't require a lot of talking. if she's into a certain thing learn about that so maybe she can jump in...find out what excites her. if she's worth it put in a little more time and effort into getting to know her. if all else fails, play some music. finally, don't let her take the backseat in every conversation ask her questions that require long answers.

oh, ya brain thing. I don't know what to tell you--fight it.

about the friends thing, one of the reasons I risked asking her out is because her friends told me that she had a crush on me. Which she told me about on saturday. She remembers the first time she saw me, three years ago when I asked her for a password in the computer class because my internet was being funny at school. So I doubt I'm in the friend zone, then again I may be in denial.

The only artistic ability I have is that to write poetry which for some reason most ppl like.

pshh...she has issues. one, from what you say, i gather she's shy. and two, a bit insecure. tis why she's uncomfortable with you paying. try to obey her wishes...offer to pay, but if she trips just shrug it off. don't make a big deal out of it.

yep, she is very shy and I'm the first guy to ask her out that she has said yes to.

[edit on 2-11-2005 by Killer 5]

she'll get more comfortable with you as time goes on, cousin. just take ya time and don't sweat it so much. if you are her first boyfriend, basically, she's learning how to act, you gotta keep that in mind.

yall should be coo after a while.

must say this is kinda sweet for a jaded chick like me...
ah, first love...the wonderful smell of innocence

[edit on 2-11-2005 by Saphronia]

yep, she is very shy and I'm the first guy to ask her out that she has said yes to.

Maybe NOW we're getting somewhere....

Is this her first fairly serious relationship? If so, it's natural that she's confused about how to act.... Be sure and tell her it's all about enoying the time you spend together....there won't be a quiz later....and relax.

Originally posted by Killer 5
about the friends thing, one of the reasons I risked asking her out is because her friends told me that she had a crush on me. Which she told me about on saturday.

Ahh now that seems a bit different.

I had a good relationship in High School that started out like this - however it did still end because I wasn't being aggressive enough - but I had a lot of baggage back then.

Sounds like your right on track - keep up the good work!

I just found this thread (I want to talk, and no one is posting on threads I'm following tonight.)


I was thinking you were a citizen of "friendsland."

But then you start saying she's shy. Hmmm.

Sounds intense. 4 hours a day is TOO intense, too me. Even if you're engaged.

I don't think I'd be any help here. I'm pretty "old school." I'd insist on paying if it was a date. Nicely, but I'd insist. "Let me pay. Really. I look forward to the time I spend with you, and this is my way of showing you. People should be doing nice things for you, and i want to be one of those people. Order whatever you want *pray it isn't lobster* Really." and so forth.

.

Sounds intense. 4 hours a day is TOO intense, too me. Even if you're engaged.

Well it's really nice to just sit and talk, but almost two weeks along. we've run out of "serious" topics to talk about. Well we know loads and yet nothing about each other.

I don't think I'd be any help here. I'm pretty "old school." I'd insist on paying if it was a date. Nicely, but I'd insist. "Let me pay. Really. I look forward to the time I spend with you, and this is my way of showing you. People should be doing nice things for you, and i want to be one of those people. Order whatever you want *pray it isn't lobster* Really." and so forth.

I tried that and I got a glare and her basically saying there is no hope in hell of me paying for her.

and Saphronia, u were right, we are getting a lot more comfortable around each other and thx to everyone here for the advice. I really do find a lot of this useful. Sort of my first serious relationship too.

Running out of topics is never good.

I believe that many relationships end because the two run out of things to say to each other.

You can spend TOO much time with another person.


Don't want to smother the other. be careful about that.

There's nothing wrong with a chick paying for herself, guys. Sometimes its enough to offer once or twice but let it go mr. macho if she insist on picking up her share--just don't assume that since she pays once or twice she'll always do it. Always offer, that's the gentlemanly thing to do. then let her decide.

Good luck Killer 5! I wish all the best and none of the heartbreak.

aaaaw! this is simply tooooo sweet!... i stumbled across your thread in 'recent posts'. i seriously hope the situation remains favorable for you.

this may sound completely silly, but have you ever seen The Book of Questions? lookie! Amazon's listing a used one for just one cent! just when you believe you've discussed anything and everything under the sun, these sorts of books throw questions out there that have no right or wrong answer, just makes you think. you can learn much about one another, and yourself. some of the questions might be a moral dilemma, where the choices may seem equally wrong, but you have to choose one answer and explain why. read the editorial review on the link i provided, it gives some great examples....

another one of these books is 'The Do It, Did It Handbook'. a checklist for what you would like to accomplish in life, places you would like to go, things you would like to see or experience. omigosh! i just looked and i still have mine! (old old old, i tell ya!) some of the topics are 'meals i would like someone to cook for me', 'habits i would like to break', 'changes i would like to make to my personality', 'games i would like to learn to play', etc. so in addition to giving you both more topics for discussion, you could surprise her with a special dinner (and no awkward argument over who pays!) or a trip to somewhere she's always wanted to visit...

well, i hope that helps- those books were 'fun' way back when... *sigh* i haven't thought of them in years! surprisingly, i can go back and check off a lot of those lists i made and put them in the 'did it' file now-

let us know how it goes! and best of luck to you!!

~amithyzt

Ran out of things to talk about? That's an easy one. Sit her in front of a computer and pull up ATS. Pick out any thread at random. "Look, the Zetans are in league with the Masons, MK Ultra, and the Little Sisters of the Poor to overthrow the NWO and corner the world oil market. And Bush is in on it!" Then chat away.

I wouldn't worry too much about her not wanting you to pay for anything for her. She just may not want to feel obligated.

Hey, I'd just like to say thanks to all the poeple who gave me advice here. Things have actually started to get a lot better. Although we both still seem to get that fluff for brains sometimes, but I thought I'd just let everyone who helped know. Sometimes pretty nice to be told the results.

P.S. supposedly being able to give a really good massage helps a lot, thought it was a pretty much useless skill taht I had, but she seems to like it a lot. She almost fell asleep because of a massage that I gave her.

Originally posted by TruthMagnet
I had a good relationship in High School that started out like this - however it did still end because I wasn't being aggressive enough - but I had a lot of baggage back then.

I picked out this comment, because it highlights how people are different. Some people may respond to more aggressive 'moves', while others don't. It depends on the person. You just need to get to know them well enough. Also when you talk to someone you can sense where it's going and act appropriately.