Realtionship Advise #254,345

Yeah, so there have been a lot of these threads

I hope no one is bothered or offended, but I'm actually looking for Christian advise. It will become clear why; I already know the secular advise.

About 3 years ago, I met the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. This includes supermodels, actresses, etc. She is gorgeous. Whatever, I'm just Jake, she'd never be interested in me.

About 6 months ago I'm talking with my cousin. She works with this adonis of a woman, and we're talking about her. She's talking about how great she is, compassionate, kind, etc. She just sounds like she's got a personality to match the face. I don't really care; she's way out of my league. A couple weeks later, I show up for my regular Tuesday visit to my cousin at the restraunt/bar she works at. I often go on Tuesdays because that is my cousin's monday, the place is dead, she's usually making no money, and likes having someone there to talk to. I have two Guinesses after work, then do whatever.

On this particular Tuesday, this woman happens to be working for someone else who usually works Tuesday nights. Cool, eye candy, but nothing can be done. It was so bizzare. She starts conversations that just die. She's going after interests I don't have, and she is, as far as I can tell at the moment, the bartender. Turns out she's not, and my tip is going to someone else. He comes back from his smokey treat, I say hi, knowing him since he's the Tuesday bartender and has been a buddy for a couple of years. Well, not really a buddy, but we've known eachother, and I'm a good tipper, so he talks with me (4 years doing deliveries will do that to a person). She sits down next to me, and is blatantly fllirting. Touching my arm as she talks, talking about how this is her second job, not her profession, etc. Just....Things geared to impress and make a connection. I'm floored. I can't tell you what it was like when I left that night. I was on top of the world. The most beautiful woman in the world is attracted to me. Oh my gosh, did Hell just freeze over?

That night I call my cousin and bring her up. My cousin starts telling me things she hadn't the night before. Before that, I had run into this woman on several occasions at the bar, but not often. My cousin starts telling me she asks about me sometimes.

I'm an armchair psychologist, and this information floors me. I had gotten out of a relationship 4 months before where the woman I was dating in true Christian fashion, meaning not a physical relationship but an emotional one, was actually engaged and banging another coworker as well. Naturally my confidence was shot, but I'm proud, so I got over it pretty quickly.

After hanging up with my cousin, bam, instant infatuation with this gorgeous woman. I fell for her hard core. It was almost obsession, and had only been taking place for about 8 hours.

So I'm on my way to work, listening to Michael Yussef (a Christian minister on WYLL). I don't remember the message, but after it, I said a prayer. This is it, as best as I can remember:

"Lord, if this is your will for me, that I date and marry [name removed], awesome. Great. That would be fantastic. But...If...If...(this part was really hard to get out)...If it's not Your will...Lord, I don't have the strength to get rid of this feeling. I can't. I'm weak and dependant right now. Lord, if it is not your will, please, please, take this feeling away from me. You have the power, you have the strength, just take it away."

I had turned the radio down, and after I said that prayer, I turned it back up. Then I tried going back to thinking about her.

It was gone.

The feeling didn't exist anymore. It was completely gone. I have never experienced something like that. Infatuation was killed on the spon. After I realized this, I laughed, and said (again, as best I remember):

"A...Alright. Cool, I hear ya loud and clear! Thank you!"

I thanked Him because he knows what the future probably would have held for me.

Now, it's almost a year since. I'm at a party with that same cousin, and she's infatuated with a guy, and is just starting to get religion. We're talking, and I'm explaining to her that she needs to surrender the relationship to God. She has to say a prayer saying she wants God's will because he knows what would truely complete her. I explained what happened with this other woman, and used that as an example. She explains to me that she's afraid to do it. I retort saying that she doesn't know He's going to say no. If she is, she already has her answer. Again I go into the explanation of this woman. It just fits perfectly with what my cousin is telling me. (By the way, I hadn't really given a thought to her since, especially when I found out she had started to date that bartender from Tuesdays. I did not want another repeat of my last relationship.)

Then my cousin drops the bombshell.

This woman had left the bartender because she couldn't be in a relationship with someone who didn't know God and hadn't accepted Christ. I tried my hardest to control my face, and I think I did it. However, I'm not sure. I was floored. The question developed in my mind that, maybe I wasn't supposed to hook up with her when I was so pathetically seeking an emotional replacement to my last relationship. I was looking for a rebound back then. Now the bond has been severed with my last lassy, and I'm told of this.

And that's where I stand. I don't know what to do. Do I start going to see her when she's working? Do I start going on group dates with her? I mean, the only contention I've found with her that we could have is that she's rather liberal and, as I'm sure you know, I'm an ultra conservative. However, my best friend is an ultra liberal, and that doesn't stop us -- we have some awesome conversations, and if one of us starts getting a little too...passionate, the other ends the conversation. Yet, God said "no" before. Was it timing, or was it an equivical "No"?

I just watched Devil's Advocate Sunday, a few days after this happened, and my guard is up as a result. The Enemy plays tricks with our minds. I have been forcing myself to recall that experience in the car, because at times I almost dismiss it. Yet the rest of the time, I recognize it, and I recognize that in the state I was in, she would have been my world, not God. Now, today, she wouldn't. I am especially on guard of my heart, and am reading one of the best books I've ever read, Wild At Heart, which talks about exactly this.

I have, of course, prayed. The only message that is getting through is that the Enemy will try to skew my thoughts. At the same time, He has also been putting a burden on me because I'm extremely arrogant and don't rely on others for anything. Been hurt too many times, and think I'm way too great to rely on others. I'm thinking I need to go out to my brothers and sisters for the answer. I'll be talking about this, if I have the opportunity, in my small group, but this is the only other place where I know like minded believers.

My prayers have been answered with the message to guard my thoughts. I haven't gotten an answer to going after her or not. She seems like she is awesome people; when I talked to her, she was intelligent and fun. I don't know. I just don't know. I guess I need your prayers, and I need some advise. My cousin said she still talks about me despite the brushoff. There's still a chance, and she's going to be replacing the person who usually works the tables with my cousin on Tuesdays. She's going to be around. What do I do?

Any advise would be greatly appreciated. I'm at a loss here, and I believe God wants me to go to my brothers and sisters. To put myself on the line here and admit that I don't have all the answers.

I can assure you, I will question you, yes or no. That's just my nature, if your response leaves any questions in my mind, I will be asking them. It is not because I think you're wrong, but because I seek more depth. If you don't know the answer, please just say, "I don't know". Don't try to defend your stance because you're sure you're right. If you do have an answer to the questions that will follow, however, share them. I would rather have an unknown than a lie.

Rock, rock on.

Help.

[edit on 8-23-2005 by junglejake]

well I'm no expert, nor am i experienced in anyway, but remember god doesn't give u everything, only oppertunities for such. It's up to you what u ultimately choose. Now from what I know, follow what u feel, the mind isn't always right and fate sometimes needs a nudge, can't do all the work for u.

You know where I stand on religion and politics, so take this with a grain of salt.

If you got God's help the first time you fell for this girl, can you not ask him again for guidance?

I see a real problem in turning things over to God all the time. When will you experience things in life? I mean, you're not going to marry this girl, right? At least not anytime soon. What have you got to lose in asking her out to see if there's anything more than infatuation there?

Allowing the opportunity for love in your life means allowing the possibility for heartbreak, too. And it's scary. But I'll tell you what, when you find the right person, the love that can be experienced outweighs a lifetime of heartache.

This girl sounds religiously compatible with you, which I know is important to you. I would be concerned about the politics, but that's something you can find out by dating her.

Love doesn't come along every day. And the fact that you're still drawn to this girl (or to the idea of dating her and exploring to see the possibilities) indicates to me that she may be a good match.

If I were in your position (and you know just how far I'm NOT) I would pray for guidance again. See what happens. If nothing happens, I'd take a chance on love.

Good luck!

Junglejake think less and just go for it ask this girl out. If you dont she cant say yes or no! When it comes reglion you share common beliefs so that wont be a problem.
As for political differnces wouldnt it be boring if you and your partner agreed on everything?
Since im not a Christian I am sorry I went against your wishes on this thread but my advice still stands up to reasoning.

[edit on 4-11-2005 by xpert11]

You and I have emailed about matters of faith, before.

I want to tackle the existential side of this first.

I'm just talking about my own experience, and what I see in other Christians, O.K.? I'm not attacking your worldview. Mine is more a reflection of my own personality than of God as he is. Got that??

Well, if you pray, and ask for a feeling . . . how do you know it's from God?

Now, for Christians, that ought to be a huge issue.

Bit of a sidetrack here.

There is a scene in "A Christmas Carol" by Charles Dickens, where Scrooge is encountering the ghost of his departed business partner, Jacob Marley. It goes like this:

"You don't believe in me,'' observed the Ghost.
"I don't,'' said Scrooge.

"What evidence would you have of my reality beyond that of your senses?''

"I don't know,'' said Scrooge.

"Why do you doubt your senses?''

"Because,'' said Scrooge, "a little thing affects them. A slight disorder of the stomach makes them cheats. You may be an undigested bit of beef, a blot of mustard, a crumb of cheese, a fragment of an underdone potato. There's more of gravy than of grave about you, whatever you are!''

See? I just love that.

So how do you know, when you are getting "a message from the Spirit," and when it's a fragment of underdone potato???

Don't get me wrong. I wouldn't for an instance blaspheme the Spirit by questioning its power or reality in our lives. But I do question our ability to aprehend its leadings.

Is it my own hopes or fears, or my ignorance, guiding me to think it is the Spirit guiding me???

I would say you ought to do her and yourself a favor and pray about it all over again.

I would, if it were me (but it's not), pray that God would direct both her and me to be the very best people we can be. That if it is within God's will, to let us enjoy each other's company, and, if it is part of the plan, to develop a closer relationship that is exalts the Lord.

If you are doing right, and she is doing right, then it won't be wrong, even if you weren't "Meant" for each other. You might be frustrated, but I don't think you'd be harmed.

I did have times in my life when I was sure that God was sending me a message. If you can imagine, in law enforcement, that is a pretty big deal. Lives at stake and all that.

I felt that God was leading me to a specific course of action. So I prayed,

"Hey, I'm only doing this because I think you're telling me to, and it fits in with what I see in scripture. So if I'm wrong, don't be mad at me. And, oh yeah, while I have you're attention, can you please help me find the woman I'm supposed to marry, with no more goofing around? I am specifically asking you for a good, humble, pleasant person, who will help me grow up and be a better person, and do the things you want from me."

And within about 2 months, I had left law enforcement, and was back in Gradschool.

One of the very first women I met on campus (not THE first), was the future frau_dr.

I have written before about her supervising professor sending her over to talk to me.

But before that, I was standing in line at the registration office, where they make the photo IDs. I remember looking at that fabulous lady, when a feeling came over me. I got the shivers like I was snake-bit. A little voice kind of popped into my head and said in a wordless voice,

If you go over and so much as speak to that woman, you will end up marrying her.

I stood there for about a minute, scared to death. I mean, I was sick of being lonely. Hurting from it. Bitter. But was I ready to be married forever? For ever-ever? Death doing us part and all that? My tongue was cleaving to the roof of my mouth.

Then I walked over and introduced myself to her, and the group of friends huddled around her. I don't know if she even remembers that meeting. But I sure do.

And then, a couple of weeks later, there's a knock on the door of my apartment. I answer it, and it's her, and she's glowing like one of those Russian orthodox icons, she's got bars of light radiating from her like the way they picture the Virgin of Guadalupe. And she says Dr. Whutsis says to come see you, and do I really have to read all of these stupid books, just to understand your discipline?

And I said, "I'm hungry. Are you? There's a great burger place around the corner, with really cold beer. . ."

And we lived happily ever after.


Don't know if that helps.


Thinking about it has helped me, though. Thanks.