The efficiency of suicide

first, I dont think that it's instinctive for everyone to want to kill themselves. the way I see it, the fight to live is stronger than the will to die.

Everyone has their tale of woe, and though i seldom lose when it comes to playing 'skeletons in the closet', I know that there is someone else out there who has had thing worse than me.

That being said, I've tried to kill myself twice. No cry for help, no paperclip scratches across the wrist...none of that crap. We're talking 120 Restoril and enough gashed for 120 stitches the first time. The second time was just as bad. Neither time (obviously) did it work. I never told anyone what I was doing, and I made it so that I wouldn't get interruped. But somehow, life has a way of intervening. My sister was supposed to be flying out of town the first time but she had her bad 'vibes'. She came home and found me there right after I fell unconscious. The second time, after taking enough medicine to "kill me 4 times over" (according to the ER doctor) I was somehow found by my girlfriend (who was also supposed to be out of town).

With no explaination as to why I was found or how I am here, I can only say that it's a miracle. And that leads me to believe that truely, we will only go when it's our time....and not a second before. I dont think it's something that you can explain 'why', but when it's your time, that's when you will go.

Originally posted by VaporTrail
Thank you all for shareing all this with me. It's interesting to see how the idea of death can spur us on to help shed light in areas we ourselves may have little more that gut feelings about.

One other thing to consider is that the suicide bombers/terroists who strap ammunition to themselves and blow themselves up in crowds are technically in the same frame of mind that you describe. I don't believe they get instant access to wherever and in fact, I do believe (from tales of ghosts and other sources) that they come back and have to work to undo the harm they've done.

I collapsed outside of our local emergancy room haveing been put in a triage line up for simply wishing to speak to someone. With great emotion i cried to the heavens to shower the war torn reigons of this earth with love and forgivness, from the # dusted city of Mosul to the inner cortex of the most shamful and depreved creatures.

(snippage)

First my breathing was rapid, then my hands clawed and stopped reciving neurological connections. My vision was turrning into a snowstorm like image of several hundred thousand concious creatures, all in full swing. I felt the tickle in my bowls as their system came to face the shutdown procedure.

(snippage)

Any of you had anything like this come upon you?

Yes. I know it well. I went through that for a little over 20 years -- day and night and sometimes I'd have multiple episodes in a 24 hour time period.

They're called "terrors"/extreme anxiety attacks/panic attacks -- there's other names for them and they're basically a system shut-down as your mind disassociates itself from reality. It's not pleasant at all. One part of me seemed to desire it while another part of me raged against it.

I'm free of it now, but I can tell you that it is partly based on biochemical imbalances coupled with psychological stress.

I wouldn't recommend suffering through it. My recommendation is to NOT suffer like I did and go talk to a physician and see if you can get meds for it. In most cases a simple anti-anxiety drug at low doses for a few weeks will help you get command of it.

I would also recommend doing one act of charity or kindness to another each day (keep a journal.) Yes, I'm quite serious, because one of the things that worsens the condition is getting caught up in it and in yourself. There's nothing like focusing on helping (not fretting about... DOING something) someone to help battle the thing.

Byrd..

That's crazy if what i/we experianced was an uncontrolled event for you, i'm having trouble imagining what that must have been like. For me, as i said, it was a desireable answer to the questions i had at the time, but to be pulled unwillingly from your own body would be terrifying. I'm glad you can control that now.

Amuk..

All i can say, as i smoke a cig, avoiding the martial arts i know i should be doing, is thank you.

But at the same time, i'm the brother who would understand completly, we'd play connect four, spar, and ligt up the stinkiest cigars from two sides of the same existance, finding the humor in this strugle/joke/episode of "life", before the dieing starts and after it ends.

Mabye i've read too much eccleseasties, but i see living and not living as two sides of the same coin.

As a younger brother who has gined insight from your will to keep on through the pain i thank you. For being an example of greatness.

As an older brother i simply want you to do what you feel is right for you, irregardless of the struggles that may arise from being yourself, but from the sounds of it, you'd be the youth that supprizes the elder, and gives him pause in his selfish and free desires in life.

For the record i'm not going to kill myself! But to go out a find life is to accept that that is greater then all of those who have died before me and no reside as death, and i simply cannot do that. I will mediate along while the "body" is willing, dreaming of backflips while the smoke is in my hand, and dreaming of the smoke after a 30k bike ride... it's just who i am. Some super "grass is always greener" syndrome.

I mean, if you could still do a standing backflip, you wouldn't respect it as much as you probablly do now. I aiin't sayin i'm a fountain of respect, AT ALL, I'm just sayin that anyone who would suffer pain from your avoidance of it, never knew the pain you felt. And they feel that new pain as a small and trivial example of what you must have gone through. when they realized that. the pain would slow.

But for all of us younger brothers out there that want to see you running Amuk. Thankyou!

Thank you thank you thank you! If you can find me here in this human creature, send some physical pain my way, i'd beat the hell out of the projected psycosis I usually feel.

A word of warning, if you have something left to do in this life, you will not die.
Don't mame yourself trying too.

what a stupid and dangerous thing to say! I can just see some suicidal teen jumping off a building to prove you right or wrong. If you do something stupid, YOU WILL FOCKING DIE! no unfulfilled life duty will
stop you becoming a mess on the sidewalk if you jump! Idiot!

I think what hey was trying to say is that if you are stupid enough to jump, it was definatly your time to go.

Not an idiot. Just too simple to understand aparently.