Let's all compliment each other.

i got called worthless today and that is the first time that has happened since my childhood hehe.

ya, i mean my dad was my hero, i really admired and looked up to him and he raised me straight as a board, i mean strict, like you wouldn't believe. ex military so that's probably why.

but he really and i mean really resented me. but he loved me too and i wouldn't ever, not in a million years say anything bad about him. he is a legit hero, a war hero and an upstanding wonderful example for anyone, really. i called him the black hank hill. hehehehehehehe if you've ever seen king of the hill, you know what i mean.

i understand his resentment, too, of having to raise me by himself and everything i wasn't an angel by any means, but here i am. i'm not dead yet so that's something. and i have a job, though for not too much longer hehehehehehehe drama and i don't deal with drama, i'll just quit. not hard to find the same job same pay somewhere else, i already did this once after working almost 20 years at one job and ended up making more money switching jobs.

anyways, he used to always call me worthless and tell me how i ruined his life, like all the time as a child hehehehehehe, i can laugh about it now, but as a kid it really messed up my brain. like, bad. like hearing someone scream at you that they had all this money before you came along and how they hate you, i mean, he used to scream, but not scream i don't know how to describe it, like loudly angrily telling me how he hated me and i ruined his life.

he used to threaten to have me adopted and i would lock myself in my bedroom and barricade the door with all my stuffed animals because that was the only familiarity i knew, and to me at age 6 or 7, hearing him on the phone pretending to get me adopted really scared me. because that was my familiarity and i saw it going out the window when he would do this.

he made me sign a contract at age 8 that i would behave, well there was a lot of conditions like he could date lol he never did and i would behave or he could have me adopted.

i still have that contract. hehehehe. or rather, he still had it when he died, because i found it in his house when i was cleaning it out and i kept it.

but anyways, someone called me worthless today and i haven't heard it since my childhood and i always thought if i heard it again it would be mental apocalypse for me, just because yes i take words seriously and literally and so i just assumed that it would destroy me to hear that word again in reference to myself.

oddly it didn't, and i don't know if it is because i am just desensitized from hearing it over and over and over again or if just the person saying it has become such a total joke to me that it didn't even register as an insult, but here we are.

i am sitting on my porch thinking about everything, life, what is it? nobody knows.

i have to go through the exciting process of finding a new car *barf* and just sitting in the knowledge that i am not worthless and nobody is worthless and anybody who uses that term as an insult to someone needs to have their head examined.

now i went through crazytown with my ex and i put up with a lot more than i should have for a lot longer than i should have, but that's what love is and when you're embroiled in a relationship with someone you love, you have no problem, if it's true love, putting up with their bs, because "this is my person"

older, wiser me says screw it, cards fall where they may i'm over it and i'm done.

so lets all compliment each other because i feel like dogcrap right now and looking for another drink.


i'll start.

nugget1 i like how you always reply to my posts in a friendly manner.

flyersfan i admire your struggle you're going through right now and your will to succeed. i KNOW you and your husband will be just fine.

carlfong i like the posts you make

xuenchen your responses to my posts usually make me smile

mirageman your unsolved mysteries UFO posts are the GOAT on ATS and i love you for them.

AlroyFarms your replies to posts always make me think a little deeper.

WeMustCare i can gather you are the same as carewemust and i have to say your comments you've made about your mother's situation and how you are still here are an inspiration.

DontTreadOnMe i am always super jazzed if you respond to my posts like my Manly Hall post, i can tell you are a highly respected person on this site so i am always blessed if you comment on my posts


AND TO EVERYONE ON THE SITE EVEN PEOPLE I DIDN'T NAME HERE I APPRECIATE YOU, YOU ARE LOVED, YOU ARE AWESOME, YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL AND DON'T EVER LET ANYONE TELL YOU DIFFERENTLY! EVER!!

OK NOW LET'S ALL TELL EVERYBODY HOW GREAT THEY ARE AND HOW MUCH WE APPRECIATE THEM!!!!! BIG AND SMALL LET'S GO PEOPLE!!!!!

unacceptable is the fact that 5 hours later i am still sitting on my porch waiting for this mf to fall asleep and then inevitably in the morning it will be a different story, ya mf it will be a different story then because we are not doing this. i am not doing this. i spent 16 years being afraid of my own shadow in regards to men, not anymore. nope. you will fall asleep and i will fall asleep in one of the other bedrooms because yes i have 3 bedrooms, yes i did all that on my own with no financial help from anyone and i can and will do it again and you are not doing anything to ME by ruining your own life. how are people literally like this when they drink? i don't know. i've got a mf in here telling me i'm worthless and nothing, he's gonna kill himself, etc etc throwing my phone and everything WTAF so i exiled myself to the porch sitting out here smoking and getting drunk because WTAF!!!!!!!!! i don't go this way when i drink! i'm a happy drunk!!!!!! i don't threaten people and do weird # and quit my job. no i have no kids and frankly i am very happy with not having any kids seeing the quality of men out here. lazy af my ex wouldn't even change the oil on his own car because he's "not a mechanic" hehehehheheheheh omg guys ive been surrounded by women pretending to be men. why is it in the course of our entire marriage, garbage taken out maybe 3 times, lawn mowed maybe 5 times. by him. of course i did all this, cleaned up after him and his messes and he says i made him too depressed the entire time so he just didn't WANT to do anything to help out, hehehehehehehhe omg guys i can't even with this, i can't even.


how is it that perpetually i am the bad guy, wherever i go. whoever i'm with, i am the bad guy. i am the worst person in existance according to everyone. worse than hitler. how is that possible????? i don't know. i guess i am john wilkes boothe reincarnated because come on man, WTF!!!!!!!! whyyyyyyyyyy??!?!?!!!!!!

a reply to: Shoshanna

ATS doesn't know what to say at the moment

Im sorry, you had to go through that.

Remember this... Sometimes

They f--- you up
your Mom And Dad

they don't mean to
but they do

They take all their crappy hangups
and give them right to you

I had great parents and there are still those times...

more often than not I dig your threads and comments, they make one think.

originally posted by: putnam6
a reply to: Shoshanna

ATS doesn't know what to say at the moment

Im sorry, you had to go through that.

Remember this... Sometimes

They f--- you up
your Mom And Dad

they don't mean to
but they do

They take all their crappy hangups
and give them right to you

I had great parents and there are still those times...

more often than not I dig your threads and comments, they make one think.

The reality is that we're all, to some degree or other, flawed, broken people trying our damnedest to raise other flawed, broken people. I'm convinced that my kids (both nearing 40) think I'm the biggest f' up of a father, but their mother and I stuck if out, unlike our parents. I tried my best and that's all anybody can do.

I'm not really into sharing feelings, but I do see a lot of similarities in my upbringing. I don't like repeating or commenting much because what I would say usually has been brought up or presented. I hope you continue to strive for success, especially through all the obstacles.

My father recently died and I also found a contract he made with my oldest sister about behaving.You'll make it. Don't sacrifice your values to make others happy. Stay strong and chipper!

originally posted by: AwakeNotWoke

originally posted by: putnam6
a reply to: Shoshanna

ATS doesn't know what to say at the moment

Im sorry, you had to go through that.

Remember this... Sometimes

They f--- you up
your Mom And Dad

they don't mean to
but they do

They take all their crappy hangups
and give them right to you

I had great parents and there are still those times...

more often than not I dig your threads and comments, they make one think.

The reality is that we're all, to some degree or other, flawed, broken people trying our damnedest to raise other flawed, broken people. I'm convinced that my kids (both nearing 40) think I'm the biggest f' up of a father, but their mother and I stuck if out, unlike our parents. I tried my best and that's all anybody can do.

So true

it's funny my Dad thought I was a disappointment because I got a divorce, for the last 3-4 years of my marriage my ex was a functional alcoholic. Dark times crazy times, I was 40 years old my Dad had no clue she was an alcoholic, hell I kept it from everybody.

but that chit has stuck with me 20 years

a reply to: Shoshanna

OK first of all are you safe, tonight?

Never let an alcoholic's words affect you. Good, bad, or indifferent they were spoken while intoxicated. I not saying forgive or forget but give them no weight in your life.

originally posted by: Shoshanna
i got called worthless today and that is the first time that has happened since my childhood hehe.
...

AlroyFarms your replies to posts always make me think a little deeper.

Hm. I've never made anyone's list. Ever. For anything.

I'm about as worthless as they come!

But I will leave you with this little gem, a reminder that the more worthless reality tries to make you feel, the more you shine on in love and truth. Wear it like a badge of honor.

It is no measure of health to be well-adjusted to a profoundly sick society

Just keep doing you, what's right in your heart. Ignore the haters, because there's no end to them. They speak from a place of weakness, self-doubt, insecurity; and some people just lie like a compulsion because that's all they can offer.

Do not let others project their sicknesses onto you, or you'll fall into their trap!

Thanks for making me feel not worthless for a spell

a reply to: Shoshanna

Serious daddy issues... If it's any relieve your not alone, the strong and non approachable non emotional dad has #ed up too many kids and especially boys never learn what it means to show compassion and love, Girls will be looking for a man that fills the void, but they want him bad ass too...

So they usually end up with the same problems... And the cicle continues... Not having kids is one way to break it...

originally posted by: Shoshanna
flyersfan i admire your struggle you're going through right now and your will to succeed. i KNOW you and your husband will be just fine.

Thank you.

Be just fine? Well .... I need someone to hand us a million dollars. That's what I estimate the nursing home will cost us eventually for the Parkinsons. $150,000 a year for average of six years ... it could be even more. And obviously we can't afford that.

I should start buying power ball tickets.

Endure and bear witness.

I’m a misanthrope. 90% of people waste 90% of their time on things that do not matter.

You are an emanation of the creator within the creation, a tiny and deliberately limited piece of divinity designed to experience a masterpiece being revealed in all it’s splendour.

Endure and bear witness.
a reply to: Shoshanna

My thoughts and prayers are for you in these tribulations. You are strong, smart, funny with a good head on your shoulders and an open heart. I'm a fan of yours.

You'll get through and be stronger on the other side. Endeavor to persevere Sho, you got this.

a reply to: Shoshanna

oddly it didn't,

And the reason is because you know you're not worthless and you know that the person saying it was hiding their own problems by verbally acting you.

a reply to: Shoshanna

Bump up his life insurance girl , well inflation and all that ,you know how many alkies die in their sleep and with very few autopsies carried out these days he might be a covid death


Show him he is not worthless and worth a small fortune , ps invite me to the wake as I am real fun at parties

a reply to: Shoshanna

Thank you for the compliment, Sho.

I turned 75 last Sunday. Your thread, as always, set me to thinking about how I got here; things I usually try not to think about.

I've spent most my life learning how to deal with the negative things we can experience. Some things just can't be rationalized, like mean people who lime to say mean things.

About 30 years ago something in my mind shifted. I got so tired of trying, without much success, to resolve past issues. I decided to make my main focus on possitive things throughout each day.
I couldn't hardly believe what a difference it made! My life was improved 1,000 fold just by forcing myself to consciously maintain a possitive attitude; it gave me the little moments of joy each day that had been missing.

My ghosts still try to haunt me, but now I know it's my choice whether I allow myself to go down that rabbit hole or just ackmowledge them and focre a shift to looking at the possitives each moment. Some days that meant being happy tht the angry customer who just reamed me a new one for no fault of my own didn't take a swing at me.

I think our 'birthright' is happiness and it's been a fascinating journey exploring who and how that is taken from us.

You're a survivor, Sho; you've got to be one hell of a strong woman to have overcome the crap life has sent your way.

a reply to: Shoshanna

You seem strong to me.
You are resilient.
You are all there is, all there ever was, and all there ever will be !

Whatever folks say, and/or do : is always a reflection of what's going-on with them, and not you.

Please also invite me to that wake with StonerWill, as I'd like to see for how long I could keep-up with him.
Although it would probably be measured in a few short minutes, rather than hours...

i had crappy parents also. Mom was a drug addict who killed herself when i was 5. then got stuck with an abusive alcoholic father. But i vowed to be better and never to treat people the way i was treated. I believe we are on this earth to love, learn and grow our souls in order to get to heaven one day. I feel even the bad in our life grows our souls and can help us be a better person. We are all worthy. Just have to think of life as a challenge to grow our souls. Pray for the mean and wicked. They just didn't have enough love in their lives and hopefully will see the light one day.a reply to: Shoshanna

a reply to: bscotti

Good on you!

Research shows that kids raised in abusive and unnurturing situations vow never to be like those that raised them, yet when they become adults they fall back on the only skills they know-abusive lifestyles.

It takes a really strong, determined person and a ton of effort to overcome and 'rise above their raising'.

Alcohol was the bain of my family so as a teenager I felt I had a choice to make; either follow the family path and never have the children I longed for, or be an abstainer and never, ever let my children see me drunk.

I had five kids, and though I totally lacked any parenting skills I did have one thing going for me; a fierce love of my children.
They turned out pretty good, despite the many parenting mistakes I made-although one of them thinks Kamala is the answer to all of the worlds' woes.

thanks for sharing your story. the bad and the good make us who we are today. we can only do our best in life and hope it is good enough in the end. a reply to: nugget1