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originally posted by: KindraLabelle2
I had my b-day this week. For the record, I hate birthdays, because every time something bad happens in my life it's around that time! A lot of deaths happened the days before, also had funerals on my b-day. The month of June is one big reminder of people who died...
On the other side, June also has a lot of birthdays in my family: mil on the 3rd, friend on the 6th, daughter on the 8th, me on the xx th, sister on the 25th. June is a month of sadness when I remember those who died (brother, grandparents, ...) and a month of celebration, which feels forced! It's like I have to pretend to be happy, give presents, receive presents, go out to b-day dinners, be thankful, ... while I really just want get through the month.
So this year, just as every year in the past 10 years, I told my family that I didn't want to do anything on my birthday. They know to just leave me alone because I will wake up in a bad mood and stay that way all day long. And as always they make a big fuzz, about how I should be celebrating instead, and be happy, and they really want it to be a fun day. So I told them fine, I'll make a list of things I might want to do and then you guys just pick something. So I made the list of things to do and places to eat, presents I prefer (or things I need) I was prepared that I would have to do at least one of those things, and decided to just go with it and see how it goes. by the time it was my birthday I actually started to feel a bit excited.
Then the day comes and.... nothing.
a card... small bouquet of flowers... an envelope with a little money. Happy birthday mom!
So ok, I realize that I refused to celebrate the last years, but this year they pushed me, so I gave in... and eventually felt like no one really cared. So next year I will go back to doing nothing and just stay in bed all day!
A week before
I had to read on facebook that a good friend died. Her daughter didn't even notify anyone personally, she just posted on fb "mom I'll miss you".
The moment I read it I actually thought it was a joke! Or she'd gone on a trip or something, then I noticed people commenting with crying emojis, so I called her.
Turned out she'd killed herself. I still can't wrap my head around it! She sat in my living room just two weeks before and there was nothing about her that suggested that she would do this! In fact, she would say all the time that she might as well kill herself, every time she didn't get what she wanted she said stuff like that, in a rage, when she was angry.... When she got divorced she said "maybe I should overdose on my pills, then he'll know what he's missing", when her daughter didn't give her enough attention she said : "she will drive me to suicide, maybe I'll just do it, the she has what she wants and then she will miss me and it will be all on her!!!"... she was always raging on.... so I was convinced that she would never do it.
Until she did.
Turns out she left a lot of letters, the earliest one dating back from September. She wanted her ashes to be scattered in the sea, so there wasn't a funeral. She also wrote the names of all the people she wanted to be present, I wasn't on it. So there is that. I did consider her a good friend, despite her raging nature, she was always there when I needed someone....
I've decide a long time ago, after my brother killed himself (also in June, funeral on my b-day), that I would never commit suicide, no matter how hard life gets, no matter how depressed I was, I would never do that!
And I've dealt with depression!
At the worst point I had been sitting on my couch for months, almost didn't eat, didn't sleep, didn't talk to anyone, didn't do anything... the first week I cried none stop, after that I was just numb. And then I slowly came out of it. I don't know why I became that way, there wasn't really anything wrong, it just happened. I also don't know why and how I snapped out of it, just happened.
What I did learn is that there is no one able to pull you out of it, no matter what anyone says or does, it doesn't change anything... And I also did learn that after a while, after a very short time actually, everyone stops trying and you truly feel alone in this world.
In the end though, all you have to do is keep breathing.
breathe and remind yourself that things will eventually get better....
for the record, I am not depressed right now. Just feeling sad and powerless but I know that to shall pass
originally posted by: ancientlight
a reply to: KindraLabelle2
Unbelieveable, why people thought it was a good idea to hold your brother's funeral on your birhday! People too selfish to think of others, or too stupid ? Sorry to hear your month has been sh*t , hope it gets better for you
originally posted by: stevieray
You have friends who love you on ATS and elsewhere
Your posts are interesting and nice, which is reflective of you. It’s good that you share your never-give-up outlook, it’s a good thing for everyone.
originally posted by: Raggedyman
a reply to: KindraLabelle2
Well hate to be contrary but, it takes others to pull you out and
I have learned that birthdays, christmases and things like that, it’s not about me, it’s about others and sharing good memories, actually making good memories with them
I apply myself to making those memories worth it for friends and family
I can and have been someone to others, dragged them up, surprisingly and I I didn’t imagine I could, had that capacity
Also, have celebrated many of my birthdays with others and celebrated theirs, connecting and caring.
It’s your choice
You have to do more than just breath
Starts by you saying, “let’s do something together”
originally posted by: QwertyMyself
a reply to: KindraLabelle2
Doesn't it feel great to express yourself?
To share that which we feel.
Be blessed.
^_^
originally posted by: putnam6
and have become somewhat of an expert in making the opposite sex depressed.
Just keep breathing, and it will pass. You never know the battles other people in your life are facing. Find a little something that gives you joy stay busy each day come up with that 30 minutes or an hour a day for yourself
Don't dwell on the negative, no matter how legit it is.
Family can easily be the most dismissive of your stuff, for lack of a better term. But Ive learned don't give other people that kind of power over your daily attitude. You get those coping skills when you live with an alcoholic for 13 years. Even then Ive only been what would even be close to classified as being long-term overtly depressed twice in my 58 years of life. The 3-4 years of the marriage breaking down, the divorce, and the joint custody missing my kids, and the 4-5 years plus when my Dad was sick and his ultimate passing (RIP). Both times just taking care of myself physically helped my mental outlook tremendously over time, and shortened the depression phase. Ive definitely learned I don't need anybody else constantly to be content.
I hope you feel better, sometimes when I feel that way I can recenter my perspective just by going outside on a clear night and gazing at the cosmos. In the scheme of things we all are pretty insignificant, what's the point of spending the blip of time being stressed and depressed, no matter the root cause?
originally posted by: KindraLabelle2
originally posted by: putnam6
and have become somewhat of an expert in making the opposite sex depressed.
one thing I'm sure of is that it isn't others that make us depressed, we do that to ourselves with our own thinking patterns
Just keep breathing, and it will pass. You never know the battles other people in your life are facing. Find a little something that gives you joy stay busy each day come up with that 30 minutes or an hour a day for yourself
Don't dwell on the negative, no matter how legit it is.
Family can easily be the most dismissive of your stuff, for lack of a better term. But Ive learned don't give other people that kind of power over your daily attitude. You get those coping skills when you live with an alcoholic for 13 years. Even then Ive only been what would even be close to classified as being long-term overtly depressed twice in my 58 years of life. The 3-4 years of the marriage breaking down, the divorce, and the joint custody missing my kids, and the 4-5 years plus when my Dad was sick and his ultimate passing (RIP). Both times just taking care of myself physically helped my mental outlook tremendously over time, and shortened the depression phase. Ive definitely learned I don't need anybody else constantly to be content.
I hope you feel better, sometimes when I feel that way I can recenter my perspective just by going outside on a clear night and gazing at the cosmos. In the scheme of things we all are pretty insignificant, what's the point of spending the blip of time being stressed and depressed, no matter the root cause?
sorry you had to go through all that, I can relate to a lot of it.
When I start to feel that spiral of negativity, I tend to rant it out of my system. I write or put my feelings into art and it usually does the trick in making me feel better...
It does take a lot of effort to remind myself that my own perspective on things is the cause of my negative feelings, not other people.. although it's way to easy to blame others
anyway, thank the gods for ats rant forum!
You call me at 3am and you're sitting 200miles away on a dark strip of autobahn with a broken car? I will jet there ASAP and get you out of there and bring your favorite snack, too, for the travel home. Guess that's not the definition most others have.
originally posted by: KindraLabelle2
a reply to: TDDAgain
we had so called 'friends' that didn't even show up at our wedding. it was mid pandemic, so we could only have 20 ppl at the ceremony. Besides the family we reserved the last spot for who we considered our best friends. Turned out they did show up in our town, but ended up in a bar instead of our wedding.
So now I don't have friends anymore, I have a lot of acquaintances, colleges, some family, but my last true friend died earlier this month.