Asufutimaehaehfutbw -LST2002- writer

A sunny day. Not that it matters.
3rd floor sub-basement in Langley, VA. Camera pans across a dimly lit conference room. Joe Biden is sitting on a large couch. Two Handlers pace around the room.

Handler 1
You mind if I smoke another, Mr. President?

Joe
Huh? Oh. No. Go ahead.

Handler 1
Ok. Asufutimaehaehfutbw
Asufutimaehaehfutbw
Ok? Let’ keep going.
You're getting better.
I need you to try to relax your tongue a little more. Let it just rest while you pronounce the mw-haw-ee-hef part.

Joe
Ok. Ok, how's this Avafootahmamhingu ah. ok. Assafutamohenga - no. Damn. Why does it have to be me?

Handler 2
Sir? Mr President, sir?

Joe
I mean, I know what Bob said and I get that and the DNA thing, but why me, I mean, why can't we use the others that also have this?

Handler 1
Mr President, as we discussed with Barry and others, there is too much at stake. And in fact, part of the reason why you are the president today is because of this. Our mission is clear and we need to conform to the standards of secrecy and level of urgency that this opportunity proposes.

Joe
I know, the Stargate
I need a nap, I think...

Handler 1
We need to push through today and get the first half of the phrase down pat. We're getting close...

Later that evening

A dark office. The window is overlooking a city.

Agent 1
So, we're making progress. Are we almost ready for the first test?

Handler 2
Yes, I think we're definitely close. When are we planning to move this to the desert?

Agent 1
If everything goes well, we should have the facility ready in a week. We have the 2 lightning rods left to install. But we will be on course for the usual September storms.

Handler 2
Great. Cool. Yeah. Can't wait to see what happens.
You think they are going to waste us after this? Ha.

Agent 1
What? No, I mean, no, I've done stuff like this before. You actually worry about stuff like that? Dude, we're fine.

Handler 2
Haha, I know

Agent 1
So what is Brandon's schedule like for next week?

Handler 2
Ha, ah, we gotta get him to DC for press conference on Tuesday, back to the lab Tuesday night for more training, then another stupid meeting and a press conference on Wednesday. Off Thursday. Friday he needs to be in Los Angeles for 2 hours. Then back to the lab. The following week, he'll have covid again and we'll have the time we need to run a few live tests.

Agent 1
Yep. And we got an extra generator and 3 prisoners for the set up tests.

Handler 2
Oh, sweet!

Agent 1
What's next with his training?

Handler 2
We are doing an 8 hour hypnosis session tomorrow. We feel this will get us to where we need to be for this.

Agent 1
Hmmm. Ok. If you guys think it will work.

Handler 2
What, you don't believe in that?

Agent 1
No, I know it works, but I also know that you need to be willing to go along with it.

Handler 2
Yeah, true. Well, Joe is on board. He knows it's this or that's the end.
We'll be alright. I'll keep you updated.

Tuesday, 2:45 PM
A brightly lit office in DC. The phone rings. A hand picks it up. We can barely make out the face.

Man
Hello? Yeah I just saw it. Unreal! What is going on with your team?!
Uh huh.
Well, he said the phrase all right. Congratulations on successfully teaching him that. But why is he repeating it on live tv!!!??
Uh huh, Well. Yeah, agreed, no one will get it or understand! Let’s expedite this project!
Well, just do that then. I don’t want to see this kind of thing happening again.

In the Desert

German Scientist
Yash zt is goot!
Strap him down, yash!
Ok, ok, here comes the storm now. Oh yes

Agent 2
The President is still resting

German Scientist
VVake him up!
VVe need to make sure that he is vvearing ze headpeace
Agent 2
The Summarian Handler is nearby. I will check

German Scientist
Yash!


Interior of a canvas tent In the desert at the Lightning Rod camp

Handler 1
Mr President, sir.

Joe
Eep, just call me Joe, come on man…

Handler 1
Joe, if I may say so, I am honored that you not only have the sacred bloodline, but that we’ve uncovered the correct pronunciation of the ancient Summerian text. And that you sir, have mastered this. I signed up for this project because I have a vested interest in seeing the Stargate open. I cannot express how much I cannot wait to meet our savior.

Joe
Huh? Oh. Yeah. Huh? Who is that again?

Handler 1
Well, we still do not know its name, but rest assured it will lead us to prosperity.

Joe
Oh, right, right. Where’s Sarah?

Handler 1
Who?

Joe
Oh wait, that was my neighbor in 1965. The room reminds me of her, I guess.

Later on, in the Desert, at the base of the apparatus

German Scientist
Yash! Here he comes!
Oh Boy
Ok, Ok, put him here, strap him down.
Nice, very good.

Joe is strapped into a circular wooden wheel. His arms and legs are extended out and his head is locked into position. A large ancient Sumerian head peace of Bird face is placed on his head, He is positioned just behind a large pole with a giant hoop made out of gold.

German Scientist
Ok, places, everyone!
Joe knows his part.
All other please leave the immediate area

Lighting is starting to fill the sky
Joe is strapped in and tilted in a reclining position as he gazes up at the giant golden ring above him.
Suddenly lightning strikes the golden ring.

Joe (chanting loudly)
Asufutimaehaehfutbw
Asufutimaehaehfutbw
Asufutimaehaehfutbw

The ring fills up with plasma. Small sparks stretch to Joe’s face. His chanting words fill the air and turn into little fairy creatures. These tiny fairies flutter around and are consumed by electric sparks extending from the ring. Two red eyes appear inside the glowing plasma of the ring. A face emerges. The face looks like a demon-possessed dog with oversized proportions. It leaps out of the ring and onto the floor of the desert. It stares at Joe, now passed out, and then it heads east, towards DC.

The next day, Langley, VA. Upstairs office room.

Agent 2
Well, sir. It looks like we have completed this chapter. The Beast has been unleashed. It is only a matter of time before it joins in matrimony with the ‘thing’ we have in China.

Agent 1
Do we know where it is now? How do we know that it knows where to go?

Agent 2
Faith, my friend. The last intel we had was a sighting of this off the coast of the Azores. We must have patience.

Agent 1
What about the President? Shouldn’t we ‘turn him off’ now? He has too much information in his head.

Agent 2
Yes. We have a plan. We are sending him to therapy tomorrow to remove this memory. Shock therapy, my friend. One more zap for the old guy.

Agent 1
Think he can handle it?

Agent 2
Either way, we don't have a choice.

The next day. A laboratory in Princeton.

Scientist 1
Ok, Mr. President, sir.
This shouldn’t hurt too bad.

Joe is in a large wooden chair, his body is strapped in with seatbelts. His head is locked into a brace. A large metal coil is a few feet from the front of his face.
The room is buzzing as the generator is charging up the apparatus.

Joe
Uh, guys? This reminds me of an Electric Chair. Is this thing safe? Is this necessary?

Scientist 1
Safe? Well, yes, Mr. President. Very safe. This is also of utmost importance for the sake of safeguarding this secret.

Ok, are we ready, Claus?

Claus
Yes, we are ready.

Scientist 1
Ok, Mr. President, please just relax.

The scientist flips a series of levers and then pushes two large buttons in unison.
A large buzzing sound begins. The Scientist puts on protective goggles.
A bolt of lightning shoots out from the metal coil and fills the President's head with a ball of plasma.

An hour later. A hospital room.
Joe is waking up in bed.

Joe
Woah. Wow. Where am I?

Scientist 1
Mr. President, you had a dental emergency with one of your back molars. We needed to get you in for a last minute dental procedure. We needed to put you under for this. This is why your head may be hurting.

Camera zooms in slowly on Joe’s glazed, unblinking eyes.

The End

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Johnny