Gender in the USA: Satire

Today I woke up, looked in the mirror and was surprised to see a woman staring back at me, I thought where did my beard go? Why am I no longer bald?

Then I remembered. Only in the USA!

Then I asked do I like men or do I like women?

So now am I trans queer or a trans lesbian?

Oh how I was confused all day.

The next day I woke up and I was no longer staring at a woman but now looking back at me was a man who was once a woman but turned back into a man? So I asked. If I'm a MtFtM what am I?

Then I chuckled and remembered... only in the USA!

Then I was rife with confusion. Am I gay? Am I straight? Oh the confusion... im now a gay lesbisn gay transgendered male to female to male queer.

Oh boy when I tell you I was confused that was truly an understatement.

I woke up on the third day. I feared looking into the mirror because I could just tell I felt different today.

I was frightened by what I saw! I was looking at a man who transitioned to a woman who transitioned back into a male but now... I was a drag queen and somehow I had pronouns tattooed on my forehead. Not only was I now a drag queen who was formerly a man but inside I was a woman who was really a gay bisexual lesbian queer genderfluid man. But now I identified myself as a drag queen with what I can only describe as multiple personalities. Why else would my pronouns be They/them? The only logical explanation was clearly DID.

Then I chuckled and reminded myself only in the USA!

When I awoke on the 4th day I was dreading looking into that mirror. I knew it was only going to get crazier from here. One day male, one day male to female, the following, male to female to male. The next male to female to male to drag queen with DID. This next day was a doozy. And before I tell you, let me remind you, only in the US of A!

So now I can only identify myself as a fully transitioned male to female who has fully transitioned to being a male who has successfully become a drag queen with multiple personalities who has finally transitioned into a gay gender fluid penguin who clearly identifies as a bald eagle.

Boy was I even now more confused than before. Am I delusional? Well no. My pre-k sex Ed bicurious female to male teacher brought us to the local glory hole for drag queen story hour where he/they/himshe told us thems just got done servicing 48 men and I could be whatever I wanted.

I shook my head and reminded myself this was all normal of course! Only in the US of A!

I felt a bit confused but I remembered what my very well trained clinical master psychiatrist male to female madam Dr. Shim taught me at the ripe old responsible age of 7. She said if I feel like a woman even just a little bit because woman have nipples and I have nipples then it was time for my breast implants, vaginoplasty, and puberty blockers. Because afterall Dr. Shim said my pronouns were now She/it/they/we. Dr. Shim also told me to remember to take my zoloft, kolonopin, Paxil, Valium, Ativan, Prozac, welbutrin, and ritalin meds everyday to clear up any confusion I may have. She/It said I should call these my happy pills and they'd guide me through life and make me happy being me and expressing my inner womanhood. So I took my happy pills and I accepted my inner lesbian penguin who identified as a gay trans eagle.

Confused? Well you're just being transphobic and not accepting the real me. Don't be a racist bigot. Afterall this is only the USA!

Oh the confusion! I told myself on that fifth and what I hoped would be my final day. I didn't know if today I was going to try to fly again and break my wing. I didn't know if I was going to waddle across the antarctic ice to take that faithful leap. I didn't know if I was a drag queen ready to perform for all those drooling older men who threw money at me while I performed exotica for them. I didn't know if I was going to be peeing standing up or sitting down. Which bathroom was i going to use? Oh man all this confusion was giving me a headache and I hadn't even made it to that mirror yet.

I got out of bed, reluctantly, for I feared what I was going to wind up today. To my horror when I stepped in front of that mirror it wasn't just 1 mirror that was there but 4 additional mirrors. In each one I saw all my different reflections from my previous days. Then I remembered the brilliant wise words Dr. Shim had told me. If It walked like a duck, talked like a man, and identified as a genderfluid gender rights lesbian pro abortion activist then you're doing it correctly.

I breathed a huge sigh of relief and took my happy pills. I thought I was going crazy afterall... then I remembered this is the USA.

a reply to: dleeb

I like the pronoun set she-it...

a reply to: dleeb

absolute gold

Ty guys glad you enjoyed the musings of our fun society. I feel like we're really missing a Jonathan Swift now more than ever. So just wanted to have fun.

Well I woke up this morning and my TV would not work, then it came on and said it had woke and was not a TV anymore and identified as a microwave.

I'd suggest going for the androgynous "non-binary" type-look.
Unless you have loads of money or credit, buying two sets of clothes is prohibitive.
Don't go full cisgender either way, and you can mix and match your floral blouses with your "lederhosen".
Sigh, not everyone can afford to be both fully "Victor/Victoria" these days.
I, for example, went for the G.I Jane look, but since I'm a biological male and a quarter of the men around here wear some kind of job-related security uniform, nobody finds it very odd.
I'm so "incognito drag" nobody even realizes it.

P.S. For movie buffs concerning G. I Jane, er remember never to tell someone to suck an appendage of yours during a heated argument, if you've actually got one.
If you don't have that appendage, fine, you're just being ironic, but if you do that argument usually ends in two ways: the emergency room, or "You coming over for coffee"?

And I laughed and laughed and Laughed! Great job Dleeb!