So, That's It ...

I will do my best, but I am phone posting from work this morning.

So cancer is a big part of life right now. It's my job, and both my mom and mother-in-law are concluding their battles with it. The timing for this has been uncanny. Both were diagnosed within a couple months, and both are wrapping here over the summer. It looks like we're going 1 and 1.

I say looks like because mom still has her surgery coming. It doesn't sound like they anticipate major surgery on her colon. The surgeon discussed laproscopic with option to move to open surgery, but he doesn't think it will be needed. She should only need a 1 to 2 day recovery and home, not even a colostomy. But she's not young and things happen.

On the other hand, my mother-in-law was formally moved to hospice yesterday. She has advanced gastric cancer that won't respond to treatment. They even tried an experimental immunotherapy that failed. It's now in her stomach, liver and pancreas.

And I feel guilty ... because they are right on top of each other, I feel like I am trading one for the other, especially since my mom is the one who looks to be pulling through. I feel guilty because mother-in-law has honestly never been my favorite person. She's got a very autocratic and controlling personality and I am very independent. It's a bit oil and water.

It's not that I hate or dislike her; it's more that I prefer her with the comfortable distance of a few states in there. Ensuring that I don't get steamrolled in her presence is exhausting for my introverted self, but I feel like boundaries need to be established and maintained or we are so many puppets.

And now she's dying where my mom is going to live.

And I feel awful because I feel like I traded one for the other even though I know it's not true.

I have disagreed with you some times on here....but times like this we put it aside ...My husband died of cancer so I feel for anyone with family dealing with cancer..... I am so sorry you are going through this . it is a lot on your plate.....((((((((hugs))))))) a reply to: ketsuko

a reply to: ketsuko

Breathe. These things are not your fault.

Take care of your health.

Breathe.

My mother will soon be dead. I am surprised everyday when I wake up and she is not. Life is both times of beautiful and terrible things that we can’t control.

Be safe. Love what you can when you can.

a reply to: ketsuko


No honey! You did not cause the cancer. Your mom and yourself come first.

I never want to be a burden for my son; and it would hurt my soul if he felt any regrets. None of us know how much time we have left. Remember the good times, I pray you all feel an inner peace and don’t forget to take me moments occasionally, this is one the hardest things to go through 💔.

God Bless you Ketty, too much on your plate!

a reply to: ketsuko

I'll send some prayers your way, if you'd like.

Sorry to hear about your family matriarchs' health issues. Mom's going on dialysis any day now, and my aunt (her sister) a bone marrow transplant, and it's hard.

a reply to: ketsuko

My old man had cancer nine times, this is 100% completely out of anyone's control. Focus on the positive and rely on the experts for the rest.

It can be brutal, I agree with AG though, take care of yourself, I know you have your Karate, find some way to vent physically and mentally.

I lost track of time when helping take care of my Dad, I was with him every Sunday to Friday Evening 24 hours a day, and I thought looking back I did it for 6 months, talking with my brother he said you dummy you did that for a year and 1/4 and spent the last 30 days in the hospital. I still feel guilty I didn't do enough or did something wrong, it's human nature I guess.

Regardless you know the both of them probably love and appreciate you more than you will know

a reply to: ketsuko

Ive a lot of experience there Ket. God Bless you. Youll be ok. So will they...in their own destinies and ways...because of you.

Its ok. Life jumbles things up every once in awhile. We do what we can. Keep spreading the love...all things being equal. No one of them or you are any different. Its always a % requirement, sometimes unbalanced.

PS Dont be hard on yourself....Both of them are blessed to have you....

Best from me...

PS Every single parent and grandparent , aunts and uncles...died of Cancer. All of them. Im still here almost 70. Why?...God is good.

I feel for you.

I remember when my mum died of cancer and my aunt survived.

I loved them both of course, but I asked the question, philosophically: "Why did she die and not the other?". I didn't want aunt to die and mum to survive....

But my sister told a load of folks that I'd said "I wish aunt had died instead of mum".

FFS.

Not exactly the same situation but I feel your internal conflict.

a reply to: ketsuko My sympathies for your family Ket and apologies if my comments can be taken as accusation.

So certainly, as you state, your input into the two independent situations has had no effect on the pending outcome of this illness. Yet still you feel guilt. Guilt because you did not love your ML as much as your mother, she is, I will guess, as much a part of your husband and your family as is your mother. From this I can suspect that maybe your guilt is not for her anguish but more your guilt for not loving her MORE? For not loving her as much as your maternal mother?

I get it, but what it is I get, I don't get. I mean I have struggled with similar imbalances in my family and tried to figure my internal balance as you seem to be doing yet have not come to any conclusions as to why this happens in me.

An interesting thing here Ket, is, if it were your mother who was heading upstairs and your ML who would be hanging around, who would you be inclined to blame then, your ML? Guilt stems from blame doesn't it? Is this your case?

a reply to: TerryMcGuire

No. I suspect it's because there really isn't a relationship there. She became my husband's step-mother after he was grown and independent. He lost his mother to cancer in college. So she is mother-in-law in name only really, and where I come from a very close knit family, this is foreign to me. But I just couldn't cultivate a relationship. It did not work, and I know that if it's got to be this way, this is the way I would have it because of that.

That's a terrible truth, and I'm not proud of it. It feels like making a sacrifice.

a reply to: ketsuko

You're human, Ket.

Not all people can relate well or easily with each other.

And it is absolutely natural for you to feel the way you do.

No blame, no guilt. Do what you can for your M-I-L in the interim and don't let this eat at you.

Cheers

a reply to: ketsuko


Yuh. Our better selves are all to often left with huge holes in who we might prefer to be, but we cope anyway.

I think even medically there's this system from the Napoleonic Wars known as "triage".
Not all patients in that emergency will get the same care.
Save those you choose, and also with the highest survival rate.
You can't save everyone.

a reply to: ketsuko

Cancer can eat a dick.
I've lost too many people, including my mother, from cancer.

Best wishes to your family

Please look up a post by infolurker, it's about a drug called Dostarlimab. If it's as good as they say I think it will be buried.

You have my deepest sympathies. My sister died with breast cancer and I've had 2 very close friend die of cancer this last year and i have 3 friends now in remission hoping they get better.

Once again it's nothing you should reprimand yourself over, it happens. I know it will be hard but your life must go on. My prayers are with you.

a reply to: ketsuko

I am so sorry to hear this. Don't feel awful at all. Cancer is to blame, not you. Prayers for you, and for your mom and MIL. Cancer doesn't discriminate. It doesn't care how the person who has it feels nor their loved ones, nor anyone for that matter. There are so many things in life we have no control over. Focus on those things you can control and the hell with the rest. Hugs.

www.washingtonpost.com...

a reply to: ketsuko

It's not a "terrible truth"...even if you had literally prayed for this to happen, you still wouldn't be to blame for it!

And the reality is, people who are "autocratic and controlling" (as you describe in OP) usually aren't getting a whole lot of 'joy' out of life to begin with, so maybe it's a blessing for 'her' that she's going sooner than later...

Plus if your own mother passed first, you would likely resent your mother-in-law being here longer, and that type of negative emotional energy would be harmful for both of you.

I think the timing on this could be viewed as God blessing all of you with just the right timing for the circumstances.

a reply to: ketsuko

Why feel guilty about cancer??

You didn’t cause it. It happens because of (smokng, stress, genetics, industrial chemicals, natural radiation,… man made radiation, bio chemistry, old age,…) and seems “built in” to our DNA ((Tree of Life???) which explains the “other Tree” in a goda davida!!! (You will get it!)

You are not a “witch” that can conjure up cancer at a whim (there are: genetics, environmental, random variations, old age, diet, and several other causes for the Big C).

Wishing or praying or making a deal with God only works on TV or the movies.

Please, the only things keeping you feeling “guilty” is your capacity to feel at all. Reading years of your posts made me realize how much you really care, and feel, about living beings!

Sorry life has dealt you a double bummer hand. But you didn’t have a choice as to when it happens or even why!

Everyone responding to this thread seems to feel like that: your guilt is misplaced.

Hope that your tramas will fade to false doubts and ancient times!!