let go....

Well I'm a newbie(there is no way i can deny it)....So here is my first post. It's pretty much complete, but criticism or add-ons would be cool.

Let Go
My mind was playing tricks on me. That’s all there is to it. I must’ve been dreaming because I was just living a prior memory in my mind. One of my bad memories; they kept getting worse and worse. For a while I thought I could deal with them but now my mind makes them more gruesome than ever. They play in my mind like a movie that I can’t stop no matter what I do. It’s as if I’m running from them and tripping every ten seconds only to see that they have caught up with me again. I want them out. Why don’t they leave me alone? Why can’t I sleep anymore without waking an hour later feeling worse off than I did before? I can’t figure it out. Is this normal? Not being able to sleep, does everybody feel that way at some point in their lives? Why is it every time I close my eyes I relive the worst moment of a memory like a lightning bolt scarred in the back of my eyelids? I haven’t gotten a night sleep in months, but it feels like years since I last felt replenished. I lay here not quite alive and not quite dead. I try to force myself into sleep but it’s a losing battle, because I know, in the back of my head, that I don’t want to relive another memory. I have wished too long of being happy knowing that it would never happen. Every thought of happiness is instantly crushed when I close my eyes and remember who I am; when I remember that there isn’t a chance. There isn’t a chance for me and there definitely isn’t a chance for anybody in my horrible memories. There never was a chance for any of us. I knew then and I know now that I will never be happy, no matter what happens.
It’s been six months and thirteen days since I last fell into a real sleep and I’m starting to have dreams when I’m awake. I’m starting to see those who are dead with my eyes open. I’m starting to hear those who are dead without the comfort of the slightest bit of control. I remember everything, well all the bad parts at least. I remember it all perfectly like a needle in my brain that injects the souls of the lifeless into my thoughts. I’m starting to get used to it, I think. I’m starting to realize that, I, myself am lifeless. That I am already dead inside and my outside isn’t showing much difference. I can feel that my eyes are glazed over. I can feel that my heartbeat is slowing.
I look around me and I can see where I am in the darkness. I am lying on the living room sofa. It is too warm in my enclosed bedroom. I like the cold. It makes me feel like I’m not so far from life. I remember when I used to go outside in the pouring rain and just stand out there for minutes, until I was soaked in the freezing water, just to fall asleep like that. That was a long time ago. That was when I still went outside. Now I just lock myself in this house of darkness to stay hidden from anymore bad memories the same way my memories stay locked inside my head.
I’m going to try and sleep again. This is the battle inside my head that I’m already losing before it’s even started. Maybe if I think about something that makes me happy, maybe then I will sleep again. I can focus all this thought on something I can smile about. But, alas, there is nothing that makes me happy; nothing that makes me smile. Not anymore, at least. I will just have to pray that my head might feel rested in the future. I will shut my eyes and hope for the best, not a relative word in my mind. I have never had the “best” of anything and I never will, but for me, the “best” is to sleep.
I can finally feel the heaviness of my eyelids, something I’ve had for a long time now, preparing to take me into a rest that I sorely need. I’m feeling, for once, ready for a dream to play out in my head as I sleep. I know I will probably wake up an hour or so from now, but it’s still the best I can hope for. I shut my eyes and I see that lightning again but this time I’m keeping them shut. I lay my head back and I fall even further into the darkness.
A voice; I hear a voice. It woke me. It’s someone crying. It sounds like it’s coming from behind me. No, wait, it’s from in front of me. It’s coming from where my feet are. It sounds like a woman crying. Do I dare open my eyes to see what it is? It could be my mind playing tricks on me again, like it always does. Or it could be….something else; something real. I open my eyes and all I see is light. Not surrounding, but in front of me, where my feet lay. It is light but in a figure. It is a woman, one who I recognize instantly. She is weeping with her glowing, transparent head buried in her hands. I breathed heavily and she turned her head at me and instantly stopped her weeping.
“Get up.” She said calmly, but with so much emotion in her voice. I stared at her with amazement. How could this be? How can this be real?
“Easily. It is those souls who you think are lost, returning to you.” She was reading my thoughts as if I was speaking them to her. Souls? There is only one.
“Get up.” A voice from behind me called out. This time it was a man, who I also recognized. He still was light as a figure just like her.
“Get up”
“It’s time for you to get up.”
“Why don’t you get up?” Voices from all around me were calling out. Light was coming around me and I felt overwhelmed for a second. I felt frightened until I recognized every last one of them. They are all the ones from my memories. The ones that I cant escape from. What is going on? Is this really happening to me?
“Yes. We are here to tell you what you need to know. So you will listen and listen well to what we have to say,” said the first figure I saw.
“What do you want from me?”
“For you to listen without speaking a word.”
“Okay…..but this has to be a dream.”
“When was the last time you dreamt something other than your memories? This is as real as you are and you can choose to accept that or you can choose not to.”
What was happening in here? Sixteen bright, transparent beings stood around me, staring at me, with an intent that was still unclear to me. Their eyes are completely gone but I can tell that they’re staring directly at me. These were the souls of people that have passed into the unknown. They were the souls of people that I have felt some kind of love for at some time in my life only to see them ripped away from me in an instant. Ripped away at the screech of a tire; ripped away at the crack of a gun.
“I’m glad to see that you have not forgotten us, but how could you have when we rest in your dreams….in your memories. Well, we came here to say something and it is time. YOU WERE THE ONE TO KILL US ALL!!”
Those words rang through my head so suddenly that I leaped up off of the couch where I had been sitting.
“You killed us and you don’t even know this!”
“What? What? No…no I didn’t. No…you ...you were killed in a car crash….and you…you were killed by that serial killer.”
“NO!! It was your disbelief in happiness that drove us to our ends! You killed us in your mind over and over again, until we couldn’t bear our own lives anymore! Your thoughts destroyed our lives! You made us hope for death, almost the same way you were hoping for death!”
“What? No! How can this be? Thoughts don’t kill people. Thoughts can’t kill people.”
“Your thoughts can and they did! Why couldn’t you just believe in a life?!” The voices rang through my mind and echoed there over and over again and showed no signs of leaving.
“Do you really think that anyone could have that bad of luck? Do you really think that you could be punished so many times because of fate? You are too ignorant to control your own powerful thoughts.”
“No. No. This can’t be real. No.” My eyes were beginning to tear.
“Would your mind really make anything seem this real?”
“I can’t…I won’t….I won’t believe…..”
“YOU WILL BECAUSE THE TRUTH IS THE ONLY THING THAT WILL SET YOU FREE!!”
“Free….free from what?”
“From yourself. From your thoughts and your memories.”
“NOO!! THIS IS NOT REAL!” I must get out of here. I must get out of this ring of staring hatred towards what I couldn’t have done.
“It’s time you faced the only thing left to face. It’s time you faced the TRUTH!!”
Pushing myself out of the ring of figures at the yell of the word “Truth”, I ran straight through them. I don’t know where I’m going; all I know is that I have to get away from them.
“Go ahead….try and find a place to hide yourself…like you always do!”
I can’t see where I am. I can feel my heartbeat thumping through my cheeks. I can feel heat surrounding me even though all there is is the darkness. I know there’s something behind but I don’t want to see what it is. I can feel the slight rush of coldness run up my back. I have to keep moving no matter what happens. I rushed forward and, “Whack.” Something hit me right in the front of my head. I fell backwards almost instantly and hit the floor. I can feel the blood spilling out of the top of my head. But I still have to move forward no matter how much pain it causes me. I moved forward again and I can feel the kitchen floor. I know where I am.
“Why do you run when you know it is pointless? You know what is coming and you know it must come. You are only prolonging the unavoidable.”
I press my hand against the cupboards of my kitchen. I feel my way up with my eyes closed to a drawer, in which I hide a gun. I can’t figure out why I need the gun but I still pull it out and point it at where the last voice came from.
“Ha! Do you really think that will help your matters? You know what you have done in your mind and you just want to escape your thoughts like everyone else on this planet.”
I open my eyes and I see every one of the recognizable figures, cornering me in my own kitchen.
“You must suffer for your mistakes. You must suffer for your thoughts. You thought that you had problems before. Now you have problems.”
I lift up the gun and point it at the original weeping figure. I pull back the trigger and feel the strength of the gun as its “Bang” echoes through my house. That didn’t work. It went right through her and made a “Crash’ as it shattered my front window.
“You still are expecting the unlikely. Can’t you see you need to feel everything that we have felt? Can’t you see that it is pointless for you to fire your pitiful gun at us? We are already dead, you know?”
“Yeah but I’m not.” I know that I have to do this before it’s too late. I turn the gun on my head. I can feel my hands shaking.
“I’m ready. I’m finally ready.” I pull back the trigger and then nothing except for the eternal darkness.

The main character has no name. They could be who ever you imagine it to be, even yourself. Can you see this happening to you? Can you focus on your bad memories so much that they play again and again in your dreams and then eventually in your thoughts? Did you ever have a memory so bad that you could see it every time you closed your eyes? Did that memory grow with you? Did it get worse every time you thought about it?
How much of this was in that person’s mind? They never though that not forgetting might someday drive them insane. And of course they never expected their mind to make things seem so real, but it can. The human mind is powerful enough to lie, even to itself. The main character knew about their disbelief in happiness around their loved ones but never told anyone, so it became part of their mind, part of their dreams the same way their memories did. Your memories can be part of who you are and people seem to focus on the bad ones. It takes more than just regurgitating your memories to someone to make you feel better about them, you have to let go. Don’t keep your memories locked away inside your head where they can manifest themselves deeper into your thoughts. Just let them go. Release all of them out of your mind until there is nothing left except for the most important thing, you. Let go.

Originally posted by LastOriginalThought
Let Go

I try to force myself into sleep but it’s a losing battle, because I know, in the back of my head, that I don’t want to relive another memory. I have wished too long of being happy knowing that it would never happen.
Every thought of happiness is instantly crushed when I close my eyes and remember who I am; when I remember that there isn’t a chance. There isn’t a chance for me and there definitely isn’t a chance for anybody in my horrible memories. There never was a chance for any of us. I knew then and I know now that I will never be happy, no matter what happens.

If you say so, you must already know who you are, what you have done, and what is actually leading to your complete failure. You know why this is happening, and you exactly know why did these things fail. Actually, you knew that things must fail, due to what you did.

I remember everything, well all the bad parts at least. I remember it all perfectly like a needle in my brain that injects the souls of the lifeless into my thoughts. I’m starting to get used to it, I think.

Probably you are not alone with that, either. People may pay high cost for learning morality.

Don’t keep your memories locked away inside your head where they can manifest themselves deeper into your thoughts. Just let them go. Release all of them out of your mind until there is nothing left except for the most important thing, you. Let go.

I agree with that. Feeding these memories isn't so good.

[edit on 29-3-2005 by Vertu]

You know pal. This is a great story... very dark though.

Welcome to ATS!

Think happy thoughts every now and then.

Thanks, and yes the character in the back of his head, already knew what why they were failing, and they kept going back to that failing thing everytime they loved someone. Doing so obviously made everything worse. It's like they were never really living, cause they were always scared of something that they kept repeating

Originally posted by LastOriginalThought
Thanks, and yes the character in the back of his head, already knew what why they were failing...

The Implant? Well, yes. You welcome!

Great story! Very dark.....