I don't understand my beau

Ok. At frist, I just thought he was depressed. But, you guys tell me:

Well we have been together for about 2 going on 3 years now. We both are 22 years old. We used to have such fun together, now when we go out is not really the same.

I'd say about 6 or so months ago, he said hanging out with me was "emotionally draining". You could tell the difference. For example when he went out with me, he seemed tired and looked like he didn't want to be there. Once we get back to his house and we are around his friends, he's lively and funny again.

Now, he seems to not want to be around anyone. The best way he can explain it is by saying, "I don't feel like entertaining anyone" To him, entertaining means basically interacting with anyone. Going to the movies with me or anyone else or just even watching TV with his roomie is considered "entertaining" someone. He recently took up bowling and he plays by him self rather than joining a league.

Well, at frist, I just thought he wasn't into me. I asked him if he wanted to break up and of course he said no. We did this before and he called me the next day asking to get back together. He says that he wants to be with me and doesn't want to see me with anyone else. But yet, he doesn't even want to do anything with me. Very selfish in my opinion.

Then, I just thought he was working too much. He works 11 days straight and gets every other Fri, Sat, Sun off.

I haven't even seen him in weeks. But he does call often-several times a day sometimes. For example, today he was off and we spoke about 10 times. A lot of my friends think I should just break up with him and I'm starting to agree. But, it just tugs at my conscience, since I think he is going through something and he might really need me by his side. He is slowly opening up to me, though. But not enough for me to be able to get through to the root of the problem. Also, he refuses go talk to a professional or his Pastor.

What do you guys think?

Work can be very emotionally draining, it's quite possible that the problem is that he hates what he's doing for work. A good step might be to encourage him to look into other jobs with a less demanding schedule.

It also might have somthing to do with your relationship falling into a sense of "habit". Try to make sure that you keep your relationship fresh and exciting. Make every kiss the first.

I would say its the job just like Lenina said

Lay it on the table,


It’s not a good situation if you’re not happy and he seems distant,

Communication is lacking hear and it needs to be brought back,

I say tell him that if he wants you to stay by his side then he has to open up to you,

Tell him your unhappy, tell him what you have said hear in this post,

He needs to know that by the way he is going he will lose you,

Can you get away for a few days with him? Maybe some time alone will give you both time to talk,

Ask him what he wants from your relationship, and tell him what you expect from him.

I know it sounds a little harsh but this is not good for you or him and if you dont act on this now it will just get worse and you will both be unhappy.

You deserve to be happy; maybe telling him your concerns will make him realise

I agree that talking is the best thing to do, and if that doesn't work, I believe that you should observe him to see what he is doing after work, in other words go and see what is going on with your own eyes.

I agree with Asala, lay it all out on the table and make him address it.
If he doesn't then throw the cards at him and tell he is making you feel emotionally drained.

if neither gets you nowhere closer to being happy as a couple, then I would suggest moving on, for your own sake, sometimes we do have to be selfish.

Agreed, being open should be the number one priority of any relationship

As was stated, communication is very important to a healthy relationship.

However, based on your brief discriptions, it is possible your beau suffers from a mild form of social anxiety disorder.

I am not really sure exactly what else to write here, as describing what he may be going through can be difficult if there is not a reference to which you can relate.

Maybe you are mildly afraid of heights? You know that slight "heart racing"/"dizzy headed" feeling when you look down from a high height? Imagine that same minor feeling for multiple hours just by being in a crowd. It could be so mild it is not something he recognizes as fear, just as something that drains him that he would rather avoid.

My suggestion is to research "social anxiety disorder" on the internet and come to your own conclusion. Then (and here's an important part) talk to someone to find out how to best talk to him about getting help, if indeed he does need help.

Here's a start on some research that should give you an idea if you need to look further into the disorder:

Link one

Link two

Link three

I'm betting he's simply feeling as though he's caught in a repeating never-ending routine. It sounds like you've already talked about it...my guess is that he isn't a talker, and prefers to bottle things up inside...

Here's my advice.

Surprise him. Do something to break the routine. I'm assuming you don't live together? Doesn't really matter here, just invite him over (or if you expect him home), make up a hum-drum reason. But, have lots of candles, romantic music, a nice dinner cooked, etc. and be dressed in whatever does it best for him. Give him a night he won't forget, and suddenly, life won't seem so hum-drum anymore!!!

what happens is if two people spend a lot of time together one may grow weary of the same old interaction and the complexities of dating life. Seeing one person most of the time and acting like friends and lovers at the same time can be taxing on some ppl. I'm sure he loves you a lot, but he probably has grown complacent and bored of the relationship and routine and the reason he has so much fun around his mates could be due to the fact that its a group of friends that he doesnt get to interact on a variety of levels as much as he use to.

I am not aware of the exact details of your situation, so i am not qualified to give you a total answer, but my advice would be to try and break the routine and change the format of your dating and also give him no-strings attached increased time with friends if possible.

What I found is that in such a relationship this person goes from a group environment into a relationship where they primarily see and do things with eachother the most in a relatively quick fashion and not see their friends as much, or little. You two essentially become a unit and not your own individual selfs in society. In the beginning he may love the intimate alone time you two spend together, but after a while it may tax on him because he has no place to be himself, as you two are considered among his group of friends as a unit, a single entity.

For instance it may be now 'doug and shaione' among his friends now instead of doug, and there may be a real sense that in his world that you two are attached together in his social groups and in life that he has no individuality or independence

Friends can be biased against your partners and at the first signs of trouble may recommend to 'ditch him' instead of working through it or some sort of compromise.

i hope my little rant made some sense and gives you some food for thought. as i said i dont know all the details of the situation and i am not judging you or your bf, just giving you my analysis from comprimable experiences.

thanks,
drfunk

He's "tired of you", but wants to keep the "benefits". It's brutal, but that is what it sounds like.
Stop letting the situation drive you , and do this:

- tell him you do care for him, but need some time for yourself
- - tell him you that you do not want to be contacted, that you'll contact him
- - - tell him you'll make a date with him for 3 months from now. Written correspondance is the only acceptable kind.


Remember , you can't extract the strength of wisdom/sincerity from someone unless it's in you . Meaning, don't bend on what I outlined, it will force a bottom line assessment within him.