Teenagers... and driving in a tropical storm

She's an adult. If she thinks she's old enough to simply take whatever she wants even when told she can't, then she's old enough to learn about property rights, theft, and legal consequences too.

She's also old enough to learn about deep water rescues and paying the price for them. Those would be her bills and possibly her life.

Parents generally say no for a reason as we often tell our son.

a reply to: TerryMcGuire

After spending a little time with young folk, it did not take me long to realize the problems I had, was not really the fault of the children at all. Problems rose out of my expectations of the children.

I expected them to think, reason, and understand, they way I do. The behaviors, the understanding, and the expectations I have, were based on a completely different set of life experiences and life lessons.

I grew up with responsibilities. I had chores, I had requirements that had to be met, like manners and respect of your elders. I lived in a different time, where children were part of a village, and any of our neighbors could rain down discipline on you, and you prayed if they did, that they would never mention it to one of your parents.

I grew up "knowing" if I wanted something, I had to work to get it. I never once dreamed of owning anything, with the expectation that it would be "given" to me.

That is not true of children today. They expect things without having to ask for them. Many resent having to ask, and are offended, if told "no".

That is not on the children. We have a whole generation of children that were raised to believe they are entitled. Everyone wants their child to be in advanced classes, because they all have children that are super smart, and if they aren't, it is the school and the dumb teacher's fault.

Their children don't have to be subservient to anyone, so forget about the simple courtesy of 'Yes ma'am, and No sir". Their children are supposed to have their wants respected, whether you agree with their childish desires or not, but their children are not to be expected to show respect to anyone, including the parents.

We have set a whole generation of children up to fail. They are being sent out into the world with either no understanding of what awaits them, or they have been fed a bunch of false expectations. I see them regularly. Dependent on medications for depression, anxiety, PTSD, and a list of other conditions that reflect a belief they cannot function in this world we have provided.

This belongs to us. We can't blame the children for the way they are. They are exactly the way we made them.

a reply to: TerryMcGuire

I believe the term you're looking for is...
Ten foot tall and bulletproof

a reply to: Avardan

replies have been harsh on this one. Unfortunately, they are right. You and your wife created this monster. She hasn't a clue what goes on in regular life. Has no clue that there are families out there who don't have a car at all. No clue that people struggle to get by and a 12 year old kid might have to work to help provide for the family.

I'm sorry you are getting beat up on this. But you really need to look at your situation and try to bring some reality home. It's not doing anyone any good to be this way, then go out in the world and find Daddy isn't there to wipe your ass anymore.
Good luck, I sincerely wish you the best.

originally posted by: Buvvy
She is an adult. Rules change when you are an adult. She is really out of line threatening to take the car regardless - very disrespectful. Your parenting issue started a long time ago…you and your wife were not on the same page.

Regardless of how you got here…now you are having to resort to disabling your vehicle to protect your car (protecting yourself financially) from an out of control adult who is verbally threatening you in your own home.

Step 1 - you and your wife need to get in the same page.

Step 2 - you and your wife need to sit down together and lay out the “adult” rules for your household to you adult child.

Step 3 (optional - might be indicated if daughter is off the rails disrespectful)…This might also be a good time to hand over any monthly bills to daughter…take her off you phone plan and tell her who to contact to set up her own phone bill, take her off your car insurance and tell her who to contact to get her own policy, discuss a reasonable monthly rent amount if she plans on continuing to live in your home, etc…

Wishing you the best of luck with everything!

reply to: Avardan

THIS!

I almost suggested 1 and 2 myself, but figured it was probably too late for that. If you can't do it, though, you're hosed.

Honestly, my wife and I were often not on the same page when our kids were younger. She often sided with them or took up for them. Now, she's seeing the results of that and she's sorry for it, but it's our kids have to deal with the long-term effects.

As to 3, it's about damn time!

a reply to: incoserv

Yeah, I left home at 16. I tried getting away a few times before that, but as soon as I got a car and a job, I was gone.

People baby their kids too much and spoil them. Make them too comfortable.

"Mama" from what it seems like is more than likely going to prioritize her daughter over the husband. Which is an unfortunate thing I've seen repeatedly. I've seen more than I care to see with my older friends who have teen daughters and mom and daughter band together and make life hell for the father. At that point you may as well say # it and go live somewhere else, because at that point there is almost nothing a guy can do or say without being made out to be an asshole, other than being a kiss ass. Unless you don't care about coming across as an asshole then it's a different story.

a reply to: NightSkyeB4Dawn
Yep.
There was and still is this notion that all children have some hero, inner champion, inner artist, personal skill or talent that a repressive society prohibits them from fulfilling. So let em run and find that special spark that will carry them on to personal fulfillment. Nice dream but far from reality.

a reply to: Avardan

Ah, my old neck of the woods.

Time to buck up, dad.

I learned the bus systems around the bay to be able to transit my ass between 3 counties without ever having to rely on ANYONE else to get me from point A to point B. I rode the lines from HART, MCAT, & SCAT. Have a few rides via PSTA under my belt but I didn't go into Pinellas via bus often enough.
I did this self-sufficiency # starting when I was 15, by the time I was 18, I knew the entire area like the back of my own hand, blindfolded. Why the hell hasn't SHE figured it out yet? It's an expansive, comprehensive series of bus systems on the Suncoast, she has absolutely zero excuse, and neither do you.

Revoke her automotive rights, and buy her her first monthly bus pass. Wash your hands of any further travel bullcrap from there, it will do her spoiled butt some good to learn the old public buses ropes. YOU are the parent, not her.

a reply to: Avardan

Good thinking to disconnect the battery so she can’t harm herself, others, or your vehicle.

From now on if she wants something then tell her she must do dishes, laundry, yard work etc.- whatever makes you and the wife’s load easier. It will give her a sense of pride in her accomplishment and also realize what you two go through to provide her a home.

My husband has the best saying for teenagers: “move out now while you still know everything”.

originally posted by: Avardan
I'm a parent of two children, 12 (son) and 18 (daughter). Living in Florida is great, wonderful in fact (except for the fact that it's like living inside of a St. Bernard's lung during Aug-Oct). We have great weather, except when hurricanes whip through here. In 2017 we had Irma and now we have Elsa bearing down on us. To be honest, I'm not especially worried about Elsa's portending storm damage, but rather the flooding that is sure to come.

Now, the rant. My 18 yr old daughter, who graduated HS back in May is a pill. I say this because she expects everything to be granted unto her highness, yet doesn't contribute a single ounce of effort towards running a household (like take out the garbage, do dishes, etc). Every time I try to get her to do something she just makes a sound (tsk, then a quick sigh). Drives me nuts. My wife defends her because "she's in a delicate period", which has been going on since she was 13.

So today I forbid her to take *my* car. She's not working today, just wants it to hang out with her friends. With the certainty of street flooding, I don't want *my* car to be driven through a 2' deep puddle and seize the engine. Crazy! Well, in the eyes of my lovely spawn, it appears that I am a tyrant and she threatened to take the car anyways. So, I disconnected the battery - she's too stupid to reconnect, so I win the battle.

Why are teens so F'in STUPID??? Why do they think that any restriction on them is a personal attack? GAH!!!

I have a 17 year old teen and she is not F'in stupid and would never behave this way. She is not entitled and she literally has zero restrictions on her because ummmm she is a really good kid. Not to be rude, but there is a parenting problem that needs to be worked on. You and your wife need to sit down and get your parenting under control. That is the problem. Your daughter's behavior is a symptom of that.

a reply to: shaemac

I'm pretty sure if that hasn't happened already in 18 years, it ain't gonna' happen now!

What bothers me the most about the OP is the fact that this is where society seems to be headed in general. Rather than "fix" the root problem the solution is to disable something else for everyone. Rather than correct the behavior issue, instead disable the car so nobody can use it.

Sound familiar? Maybe like...rather than fix a few bad cops, instead let's 'defund' all of them all so nobody is protected? OR...rather than send a few kids to summer school, instead let's lower the bar for all students so a few don't look stupid...because, you know, racist. And trust me, this list goes on, and on...and on. And, let's not even get started on firearms!

All the same solution...punish many for the deeds of one.

This time it was just a car, and one family, but that's not the point. The point is the mindset. The point is, people are increasingly becoming okay with solutions like this. And that, is a problem.

originally posted by: Flyingclaydisk
a reply to: shaemac

I'm pretty sure if that hasn't happened already in 18 years, it ain't gonna' happen now!

What bothers me the most about the OP is the fact that this is where society seems to be headed in general. Rather than "fix" the root problem the solution is to disable something else for everyone. Rather than correct the behavior issue, instead disable the car so nobody can use it.

Sound familiar? Maybe like...rather than fix a few bad cops, instead let's 'defund' all of them all so nobody is protected? OR...rather than send a few kids to summer school, instead let's lower the bar for all students so a few don't look stupid...because, you know, racist. And trust me, this list goes on, and on...and on. And, let's not even get started on firearms!

All the same solution...punish many for the deeds of one.

This time it was just a car, and one family, but that's not the point. The point is the mindset. The point is, people are increasingly becoming okay with solutions like this. And that, is a problem.

BOOM!

And something else that occurred to me ... The girls is 18 years old and can drive, but does not have the common sense and basic training to hook up a car battery?

a reply to: Avardan

Dude, you're probably feeling like you're getting the living crap beat out of you on this thread. Sorry, but you are in a situation that, if not corrected, is going to cost a world of hurt over the course of her lifetime. You will be the recipient of much of that pain, but it'll be her who will ultimately feel most of it as she battles against a world that will not respect her obvious sense of entitlement. She is going to be miserable her entire life because she will learn real quickly that the world will not behave toward her the way mommy and daddy have for the last 18 years.

If it's not too late to correct course, you need to do it now. It won't be easy. It won't be nice. A long talk with the wife would be in order. If she won't get on board, explain this to her and for the next twenty years, I-told-you-so the hell out of her as things fall apart.

My wife now understands my reason for many of the things she fought me on, and I still bring up the I-told-you-so now and again. (Ok, I'm an anal orifice.)

One instance that stands out is that when our two kids were in their late teens, I tried to sit them down and discuss developing some kind of vision for where they wanted their lives to go. It didn't have to be crystallized right then and there, but I wanted to encourage them to start thinking about what they wanted out of life. My son immediately told me that he didn't need to do any such thing. My daughter followed suite, and my wife told me that "not everybody is like you." (I had settled in to a life-time career choice that I love by the time I was twenty.) They all fought me on it, so there was sadly little I could do. If my wife had backed me, we'd have had a different outcome, I think.

Today, both of my children - in their mid-thirties - have no real direction in life. My son is in a dead-end job that he doesn't really like and has pissed off a couple of good opportunities at education and training for a career path that he now wishes he had taken. My daughter literally has no life outside of her cat and television. I occasionally remind my wife of that conversation when it's appropriate. It feels bad for me that they are in that condition, but ultimately they are the ones suffering, and my wife knows that she had a part in that.

My daughter will likely wake up one morning in her mid-fifties, realize that her entire life consists of a bath robe, some pink fuzzy slippers and a few cats, and wonder what-the-hell happened.

My son will probably be a wage-slave for the rest of his life, droning away at an unfulfilling job and consuming (for as long as the consumer economy holds out). Sucks. I really believe that it could have been avoided, but it is what it is. Thanks, mom.

Them's my two cents. I'll try to shut up now.
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a reply to: incoserv

The misery part I can understand, but being in my own mid-30's married to someone in their 50's for 15 years, I think I'm comfortable being the housewife. I signed up for it when I spread my legs, I need NO college career to make myself feel better with. I bred, it's my job to raise them. After that, I can piddle the rest of the decades away with taking care of my husband as he ages further. Or work. The call is directed as per finances at that bridge, IMO.

In other words, I think you should have focused on family, not jobs. You went wrong there by mis-prioritizating these things. And I stand firm there, you don;t need two incomes, you need a solid family.

a reply to: incoserv

It does look like ATS has not been very supportive, but....., always a but.

We have recognized a problem that is not unique to the OP. He is not alone by a long shot. And there within lies the problem.

We have a tendency to look outward for a solution to personal problems. Especially when there are no easy answers, or when we have not walked that path before.

When we have TV, videos, movies, government, family, friends, strangers, and social influencers, showing us what is right, normal, desirable, and acceptable. We then find ourselves in the middle of OZ, wondering how the hell we got there.

We go along with too much BS, way too often, allowing even our own views of normalcy to become skewed. Working and playing well with others is promoted to improve your chances at success, but.... when you are succeeding at the expense of your children, and their future, maybe failure is not always a bad thing.

I am not ragging on just the OP. We all have to do a little inward reflection on where we are. Where we want to be, and what we are willing to do to reach that place.

originally posted by: Nyiah
a reply to: incoserv

The misery part I can understand, but being in my own mid-30's married to someone in their 50's for 15 years, I think I'm comfortable being the housewife. I signed up for it when I spread my legs, I need NO college career to make myself feel better with. I bred, it's my job to raise them. After that, I can piddle the rest of the decades away with taking care of my husband as he ages further. Or work. The call is directed as per finances at that bridge, IMO.

In other words, I think you should have focused on family, not jobs. You went wrong there by mis-prioritizating these things. And I stand firm there, you don;t need two incomes, you need a solid family.

I have no idea what you're talking about.

originally posted by: NightSkyeB4Dawn
a reply to: incoserv

It does look like ATS has not been very supportive, but...

Oh, I never said that we had not been supportive. On the contrary, I think we've, for the most part, offered the very kind of support the OP needs. Support doesn't always mean being sweet and cuddly.

Another difference they I had with my wife that she's come to see my way: She told me once - many years ago - that I was supposed to "make my children feel good about themselves."

I told her that that most certainly was not my job. My job was to teach them to be people who had something to feel good about.

Support addresses addresses problems and shortcomings.

a reply to: incoserv

I agree that we have been supportive, but..... it just may "appear " that we have not been.

Especially to the OP.

originally posted by: incoserv

originally posted by: Nyiah
a reply to: incoserv

The misery part I can understand, but being in my own mid-30's married to someone in their 50's for 15 years, I think I'm comfortable being the housewife. I signed up for it when I spread my legs, I need NO college career to make myself feel better with. I bred, it's my job to raise them. After that, I can piddle the rest of the decades away with taking care of my husband as he ages further. Or work. The call is directed as per finances at that bridge, IMO.

In other words, I think you should have focused on family, not jobs. You went wrong there by mis-prioritizating these things. And I stand firm there, you don;t need two incomes, you need a solid family.

I have no idea what you're talking about.

You started out by pointing out the OP's kid would end up miserable her entire life without a change of direction, and you then later used your own kids as an example for direction, and got stuck on "vision"/"career" before all else. It's fine and dandy, but you negated to realize that's about the same outcome for a career-leaning 30 year old woman today anyway -- single, lonely, and having "fur babies" to plug the gaping holes in one's budding spinster life.

Folks like that who didn't at LEAST long-term commit/common law marry and figure out what that degree of lifelong companionship does for the mind, are having their existential mid-life crisis by 30 instead of 40 or 50 now, their misery shows. IMO, that is fallout from being misdirected and promised better, when in reality, "better" just lands one in the same misery hole anyway. The only thing that changed is how you got there. Ergo, nothing was solved, painting the duct tape to match the wall color over the hole doesn't fix the hole. It might just look a little more appealing, but it's not fixed.

No one seems to notice, but it's a downward spiraling pattern deviating away from commitment, at minimum, Not even going to argue about kids, people are so focused on eating the next dog with their academics that they can't even be bothered to make the time for someone to LOVE anymore.
That's why I'm focusing more on prioritizing that over money. Money doesn't mean jack # when you're alone and unhappy.

originally posted by: Nyiah
Money doesn't mean jack # when you're alone and unhappy.

Single people who have a lot of money should take some pro tips from Hunter Biden on how to spend it to ensure happiness.