After My Demise

After My Demise

This is a letter that I have been drafting for the day I have reached a specific point on my journey to the next step on my evolutionary path or pathway on my journey, it is going to be sent to various outlets with the hope that there will be some attention given to it, I may even make a video to go with it...In any case, some of what I have to say is designed to elicit shock and awe, but I am sorry to say it will not...it might open some eyes to the other side of life...the side we are always trying to forget...fat chance for me to forget any of it, good or bad...it is all a part of me, my His-Story.

Many things we experience are hard to quantify, the moment of inception and the moment of reflection occur at different points on the path. Meanings change, perceptions change, what is important changes, self pity can become a driving force, anger can lead to self destructive behavior, for and against, the tide can roll in and it can roll out, supposedly at the behest of the Moon.

Much of our behavior in this or any incarnation will have a random effect/affect on us or others. Having a plan and executing a plan, intentions, misunderstandings, opinions of others, without any knowledge or with explicit information, unseen actions, life is all so random and unpredictable and this applies to all and every life (energy).

Being told by a doctor that you have a specific amount of time left to exist in this human form has a weird calming presence to know, some realization that there is an expiration date, one that we always want to challenge with denial, not me, but it is me and I have been fighting that diagnoses ever since, I'll show you...And so it goes, the doctor had a theory about my life expectancy and I have beat it and then some, but there does come a point where the hour glass of sand empties into that black hole and transforms our energy into something else, somewhere else.

After my demise, passing on or the end to this journey, or before the beginning of the next transformation, it would be awesome if I could let those know that I love or despise, that I have in fact traversed this world and have a few last remaining words and feelings to share, with those dear to my heart and dreams.

You see, while we are still here, it is difficult to share, the ability for closure has since passed, after leaving to go there, where, anywhere but here, so if we still care and are unaware, then that too shall be without fear or despair.

To those I hate, such a strong word, but appropriate for a select few, you see hate is a necessary protective guide, it keeps me from allowing myself to care about those that have wronged me so deeply:

My Family
My Abuser
My Religion

Forgiveness does not come easy for these poor souls, they have burned the bridge that once connected us. I was blind to most of it for many years, but the hatred I have is for the anger I have for the way I was and have been treated by them, at various times in my life along the path I have been traveling, they have done much harm to me, as a child, as a young adult, as a grown man into my current state of being.

My Family has abandoned me at my greatest time of need. They offer no hope or joy, or even respite from the pain I endure. They have misjudged me, been blind to my struggle and have had no compassion or the slightest empathy.

My Abuser took advantage of me. He decided my life was of no consequence to me. That he could do whatever he pleased without retribution from those that see, in plain sight, what he was doing to me. Under the guise of a teacher and wannabe cop, religious scholar and gentleman, big brother and mentor, he systematically took away my childhood and replaced it with a completely different version, -2.0, if you will.

At least my Abuser has made an effort to rectify past behavior, unforgivable acts nonetheless, and has reached the point of reconciliation with me to some degree, a source of much needed assistance. Welcomed, especially since my family and religion have abandoned me.

What is religion but a belief system that is shoved down our throats from the day we were born into this human vessel. Still, it is the foundation for a strong bond with family and community, of which mine dissipated very quickly around the ripe old age of 11. And my religion was used as a weapon. A misguided weapon. It was not my religions fault though was it? It was not the fault of those unaware, it was the fault of those that turned a very blind eye on obvious questionable behavior. Individual choices made by others that completely affected the way my religion let me down.

God is supposed to protect children aren't they? Where was my God when I was being taken advantage of by someone that was supposed to be religious, a beacon of the community I lived in, immersed in activities involving youth, the culture was changing and certain behavior was being left unchallenged, the advisory capacity of many adults over youth activities allowed for more youth to do more questionable things.

My Abuser used to let me drive everywhere we went, it was a field trip driving lesson, he was a supervisor for other groups of young Jewish boys, of which I am sure included other boy toy conquests, because that is what I became, a paid little boy toy. My first ATM transaction was using his Debit Card at the bank, it was a thrill to go up to the machine, punch a secret pin code in it and out came 200 dollars. Payment for services rendered that weekend.

It always started out the same way, especially early in our relationship, before he moved to be closer to me, he had endeared himself to my parents by showing me attention and acting like he gave a # about my Jewish studies, he was a Cantor (Sang The Service) for the congregation and that is how he hooked me. When he did move, he made it a point to insert himself into my Bar Mitzvah training and used this as an excuse to have me spend the weekend at his apartment. My parents were thrilled and I got spoiled and abused at the same time.

I was allowed to go shopping first at the local Kroger Store. I could pick out anything I wanted, so down each aisle, Dorito's, Hot Dogs, Pepperidge Farm Cake, Beer even, Pizza, whatever I wanted, then to his house where we would watch TV and eat and look at dirty magazines from the infamous "Grey Box". My first book about sex was introduced to me, The Joy of Sex. It explained all kinds of positions and techniques for pleasure, both sexes, and it had illustrations.

I smoked my first doobie at his apartment, drank my first liquor, smoked cigarettes, and masturbated to dirty magazines with his blessing and helpful consideration to detail. There was not a weekend for many months where I did not spend time with him in some capacity, again, much of it was under the guise of religious instruction.

There is much more to include and until the day I do kick the bucket I will keep adding to it...updates to this thread will come when they do, until they don't...After My Demise.

My heart breaks for you. I hope this "purge" brings you the peace you are seeking. You arn't alone.

a reply to: spiritofsoul

No child should have to go through the horrors that you have.

May you find strength and courage in your life to carry on.

a reply to: spiritofsoul

Very saddening to read your account spiritofsoul, as someone here said you're not alone. I haven't had an easy life myself too, especially childhood.

God is supposed to protect children aren't they? Where was my God when I was being taken advantage of by someone that was supposed to be religious, [...]

In my difficult times, I've had the same question about God too and as a brother I'd suggest you ask God directly about your tribulations. I know it's hard to say it, but be very humble when doing so -- there are some scary truths out there when it comes to the relationship God-vs-Humans, or on why the evil exists, etc. God is very sensitive to such human questions/concerns. I can guarantee, you'll get an answer to your questions. Some patience and persistence is needed.

Also, being religious doesn't mean a person follows God in their hearts, they are people corrupted in their souls and in need to be saved themselves as well.

Be blessed and wish you find your serenity.

a reply to: Floridadreamin
Not likely to bring anything to anyone because few care, thanks for your empathy.

a reply to: Night Star

And yet my horrors are so minor compared to others, so many have had it worse, but thank you.

a reply to: miri2019

My God has nothing to do with religion, and so that is the sad truth, religion plays a huge role in being able to take advantage of the innocent, children believe what they are taught, especially by adults that profess to be religious. Smoke screen. Thanks for you encouragement.