Do you thrive in crisis.

My life has been somewhat tough generally speaking. I became an alcoholic and drug addict at age 14 and subsequently developed some disorders and accumulated some trauma and tragedy and have never really been actually happy or stable and secure since.....until very recently.

Not stable or secure financially, emotionally or spiritually. It's been tumultuous, grueling, and absolutely torturous at times...

At my darkest hour I remember when I had the depressing and defeating realization that I hated every second of every day, and there was no escaping my feelings....

I sought help, with guidance and a few good choices which led to a lot of hard honest work I've since managed to create for myself a life where my state of being is more often than not, optimistic, grateful, ambitious, introspective, spiritually connected, vital and strong.......there is a sense of happiness, but it's mostly the absence of the torment of being uncomfortable in my own skin, the absence of near debilitating anxiety, and the absence of heart break and the agony of betrayal and deserted loneliness...

My shame and guilt are no longer potent toxins, rather they are reminders, and indicators defining my state of mind helping me guard my thoughts and continue to stay on the right track....

I've noticed something....

One example was when we had that last big earthquake here in Alaska. I can't remember the magnitude but it was basically the biggest quake here since 64......

I was in jail at the time laying in my top bunk........I'm hyper in tune with things like this so I noticed the first couple back and forth rocks and immediately sat up..........as the real shaking began I announced to my sleeping cell mates what was happening and jumped down of my bed barefooted and marched outside......

At no point did I feel fear....only excitement and awe..

I remember noticing some of the other guys who came outside, this one in particular was so nervous, so uneasy, he was genuinely frightened and I didn't quite get it the time because I felt so different.

As I was standing out on the grass watching the ground roll, the light post wobble violently and the razor wire wave back and forth I shouted out a healthy "WOOOHOOO"

From the other side of the yard someone who must be similar to me gave an equally happy "WOOOHOOO" in return....

Only one though...everyone else was kind of freaking out in some way......I loved every second of it and was sad when it ended......the earthquake was easily the highlight of that particular long boring day of being locked up.... probably my whole sentence.

The only other good memory was developing some friends in there and all the laughter we caused each other talking nonsense...

But in the Earthquake the adrenaline rush was so distinct and enjoyable in that environment it was palpable and lasted awhile, it was a drug in the way it flooded my brain with feel good chemicals......

This is interesting because I've been through another crisis like event which also released a flood of something in my brain, but the makeup of this nueral cocktail was completely different....I'll get to that story a bit below.......it has to do with the LAPD...

About a year prior to the jail EQ we had another nice big one......not the same magnitude but my family and I were closer to the epicenter so our apartment was rocking harder than I've ever been in...

It woke us up at three in the morning and I sprung to my feet, lept over the back of the couch where our son was sleeping....I scooped him up and headed directly outside......my wife says I just ditched her but I kept stopping and looking back.....she kept stumbling......and I had my son in my arms and couldn't just stand on the outside stair set....

We all made it outside onto the front yard.......standing barefooted in icy cold frosty grass riding the shockwaves and watching the spruce trees do that frightening back and forth EQ tree rock......

Wife was a little scared, poor son was confused and scared......I was on fire inside, and on cloud 9......the emotions that got stirred up inside me felt therapuetic.........I get so alive......it's tough to describe

The other instance I wanted to share is a defining moment in my life and still a bit of a mystery...... definitely born of total crisis....

The second time my wife and I split up years ago was what sparked this crazy life event.....we were living in Ventura California on the Ventura avenue a typical drug laden area inhabited by a large percentage of addicts, dealers, and Mexican gangsters......

We were living in a trailer with our son who was probably 3 at the time....... initially we were living responsibly enough but things quicky went south and out marriage was being picked apart from several directions, by several influences that directly opposed me and sought to hurt me....

We split up on Valentine's day and I left for San Diego to stay with my two best friends......we consider each other brothers still to this day....

My wife dropped our son with her parents and disappeared........after several days of trying to get ahold of and talk with my wife and no success I decided to take the train back to Ventura to be with my son....

Completely lost, hurt cause I loved her, and feeling out of place at the in laws I decided that if I still couldnt get ah of her and she was unwilling to talk......

Well then I'm going to take my son and fly back home to Alaska.....

So I packed the essentials loaded everything up in the jeep stroller and caught a train to Los Angeles....

To people observing me I guess you could tell something was wrong......I was disheveled, emotional and upset, nervous, I was a mess, I had a pink diaper bag and weird back pack and plastic bags .......I was not traveling well.....I looked homeless, I was in a crisis...

To this day I'm not sure who called the cops but I think it was a passenger from the train or bus i got on, but somebody called and reported me as kidnapping a child.....

Just as we arrived at LAX and began moving towards the Alaska airlines drop off area two or three cop cards swooped in front of the boss with their lights on, cutting off traffic and stopping the bus ......

And officer came on board looked right at me and called my name and ordered me and my boy off the bus.......

This is where things got interesting, from that point until the conclusion something came over me........a sense of calm that was so distinct and noticable it was as if the energy came from somewhere else......at no point did my heart rate accelerate, nor did I get sweaty palms or have any sort of powerful panic thoughts........

That makes Zero sense, especially considering my anxiety disorder and how sensitive worrisome and high strung I am.....

I followed the officer off the bus and found myself on the sidewalk surrounded by many more LAPD...... bystanders understandably gawking as this was now quite a scene.....

There were about 8-10 of them, two of which were very big scary mercenary looking cops......I think back and assume they were there for if I was some sort of worse case scenario.........

The whole thing was a blur, very surreal and terrifying, yet I was possesed with calm even though I had no idea of what was abou happen and was thinking I'm probably going to jail and my son will be taken from me.....

I explained my exact situation to who I remember as the nice lady cop......at some point we managed to get my wife on the phone.

Cont..

a reply to: GoShredAK

i am now left wondering - what sort of " in jail " regieme - permits you to " get up and go outside " ?????

a reply to: ignorant_ape

I'm still finishing the story but I'll explain....

It's called building 10 at Wildwood correctional facility in Kenai Alaska...

It's a low security building and I only had to serve 30 days, 19 with good time....

During the day and in-between count, and as long as there is no lockdown in place there you can Rome around two different buildings, and a large area outside between them there is a basketball court and some workout equipment scattered around too...

We even had TV, two different kinds of juice available all day, and coffee available almost the whole day, until everyone was drinking through too fast so they started rationing us......

It was great....and my life at the time and where I was living before was so miserable I was actually happier in jail and kind of had a good time...

Not it is simply a learning and growth experience that I take value from .

Continued from 1st post.....

Wifey on phone ...

She was of course beyond hysterical....I don't know what she screamed at the cops but I'm sure she was demanding I be arrested.........at this point I didn't know if I was or not...

They handed me the phone and she explained her best how deeply and eternally she hated me....

I said I know you hate me, I don't blame you but what was I supposed to do?

Or something like that....

This entire time my son was being so good, he just hung out standing on the ground next to me constantly wiggling around not wanting to be restrained but not complaining...

Finally after all these things and what seemed like two hours the lady cop asked me what I want to do...

I was taken aback by the question because I still didn't know I was gonna have a choice....

I told her this and she told me the choice was mine because my son was obviously my son, he loves me, and it's between me and his mom......

So I said to her "I wanna take my boy and get on that plane"

The lady officer and one or two of the others close by very politely sent me on my way and wished me luck....

To this day I'm baffled by the invasive sense of calm that seemed to just descend upon me from outside....

And it's shocking because as a person with panic disorder and a deeply established anxiety disorder my physical anxiety symptoms can flair up over some of the most minor stressors......it makes no sense to me how I remained calm in such a critical situation....
No drugs, nothing, in fact I was detoxing making me even weaker and prone to falling apart.

Now to my main point.......I've always had these reactions to intense situations, I get calm, I get comfortable......I don't know what it is but I know there are other people like me....

This Corona Virus Hysteria lockdown actually happens to be the best time of my entire life....

I've excelled, both my jobs are still going full time, I'm exercising a lot, I'm loosing weight and gaining muscle.

At 33 I'm skateboarding every day and and stomping tricks left and right, lighting my brain up with healthy shots of dopamine constantly.....

I feel very spiritually connected, I feel good inside and my recovery is strong....

I'm not frightened, I'm thrilled and entertained...I can live in an apocolypse I can adapt and learn to function in any situation. This is how feel anyway, and it's been true so far for my entire life.....

I'm wired differently, I'm a strange person......

I've even seen a broad daylight UFO and people have called me a liar because in the account I didn't freak the hell out I just kind of watched in wonder....

During a bout of sleep deprivation I was suddenly able to see the 12-15 shadow people wandering around my apartment........purely hallucinatory or real, I had no fear.....they were not threatening, simply wandering to and fro.......I just observed them with my friend until we decide to grab my Bible and call on Jesus to make them leave.......I'm still amazed and have a stronger faith because of how well that worked.....they all vanished...

I'm exploring what makes me this way, my theory right now is that living in perpetual anxiety, fear, worry, sadness, heartbreak, drug induced episodes of different sorts, long grueling bouts of the most severe withdrawals one can go through, betrayal and intense heartbreak, broken family loosing kids, saying my goodbyes to the world because the panic was so bad I was sure my heart stopped..

Being put on a gauntlet of antidepressants trying to fix me and getting thrown into a mania, followed by months and months of akasthesia, writhing in my own skin and mind while chemically depressed...

This is all I've known for most my life.....I blame no one but myself.....but because of this I've often drifted away in thoughts wishing a great big earthquake would occur, or am asteroid, or aliens, even war......just something other than my dreary, bleek, empty sad life.....

That's why I thrive in crisis, and I believe it will serve me someday when I'm facing another critical situation.....

I'm curious.....wrote the entire thread getting to this point......anyone else out there thriving right now? Or in other times of crisis?

What made you that way?

Also is anybody not thriving and freaking out?

a reply to: GoShredAK


Man you’ve been thru it, that’s for sure!

The old adage “What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger” comes to mind.


I, like you, actually thrive when shtf!

I am able to dig deep when necessary. It usually requires a lot of sleep afterwards to make up for it though.


ETA: what made me that way was probably my dad; he taught me what the world really is, WORK, which has probably saved me. That, and having been through quite a bit myself, and of course, JESUS!

originally posted by: GoShredAK
I've even seen a broad daylight UFO and people have called me a liar because in the account I didn't freak the hell out I just kind of watched in wonder....

Like that bit

I’m 52 and you just told my story. I’m really lost for words, but I feel a strong connection with you. Minus jail, only been in holding, my story is the same. I think when shtf we forget ourselves and try to solve problems, I’m absolutely thriving right now and fear nothing. I go to the grocery store for a few family’s that are paralyzed with fear, I’m unemployed right now and full of joy! 12 clean and I’ve got work to do! An amends of sorts!

originally posted by: WUNK22
I’m 52 and you just told my story. I’m really lost for words, but I feel a strong connection with you. Minus jail, only been in holding, my story is the same. I think when shtf we forget ourselves and try to solve problems, I’m absolutely thriving right now and fear nothing. I go to the grocery store for a few family’s that are paralyzed with fear, I’m unemployed right now and full of joy! 12 clean and I’ve got work to do! An amends of sorts!

Thank you.

I love and appreciate my brothers and sisters who have been to hell and back.

Us broken people

When you have spent long periods of life in mental and physical torment it's easier to handle some things.

It's all about reframing your past and taking responsibility for your hardships while also putting value on them as life lessons and times of growth...

originally posted by: KTemplar
a reply to: GoShredAK


Man you’ve been thru it, that’s for sure!

The old adage “What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger” comes to mind.


I, like you, actually thrive when shtf!

I am able to dig deep when necessary. It usually requires a lot of sleep afterwards to make up for it though.


ETA: what made me that way was probably my dad; he taught me what the world really is, WORK, which has probably saved me. That, and having been through quite a bit myself, and of course, JESUS!

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, I believe that and I think what it really means is that there is growth in discomfort.

I've started to learn that when I step out of my comfort zone, and lean into scary uncomfortable situations, though difficult at the time always leave me happier and benefitting in some way...

This is exactly what I told myself when I almost didn't take my second job that ive been at now for 2 weeks....I was scared of trying something new, and being the new guy, and having to get up early ect ...

I almost talked myself out of it but I remembered the lesson of growth in discomfort so I forced myself to take the job...

Now I'm so happy I did. They have provided me with housing so I have my own nice little cabin and access to a big beautiful lodge where some of my co-workers stay.

Before this I was renting a room in a trailer where I was pretty uncomfortable, and before that I was homeless...

It's crazy, it was basically just a series of times where stepping out of my comfort zone drastically improved sometimes hopeless circumstances.

Oops double post

originally posted by: ufoorbhunter

originally posted by: GoShredAK
I've even seen a broad daylight UFO and people have called me a liar because in the account I didn't freak the hell out I just kind of watched in wonder....

Like that bit

Since you like it I'll tell you the whole story

I am on my lunch break and need to head back to work right now but I'll tell you what happened when I get home.

It was a trip, a full on no BS daylight UFO, my skeptical wife even saw it.......

originally posted by: GoShredAK
My shame and guilt are no longer potent toxins, rather they are reminders, and indicators defining my state of mind helping me guard my thoughts and continue to stay on the right track....

these are such beautiful words.
thank you.



it is my belief that the majority of humans are under the condition called "primary narcissisism". (PN)

this means that we all secretly wish and hope (thrive?) to be "out of control" in the most literal sense. PN tells us that we want to return to our mothers womb.

but also, it means that we stand in awe of release we feel when in the presence of a power we cannot control. it really is a profound relief.

thanks again.
danny.

p.s. i have been in and out of every psych ward in the county. just like you, i value even the unpleasant times. my apartment was directly over the epicenter of the earthquake here in Salt Lake City a couple of weeks ago. i just layed on the floor and melted into the HUGENESS of the thing.

a reply to: tgidkp

The secret, if there is one, is not to dwell on things and over-react.

Age helps.

Many of us old farts have been through a number of crises. The experience is difficult to abstract a teaching dialog from, so it may be just helpful to listen when old people talk.

originally posted by: tgidkp

originally posted by: GoShredAK
My shame and guilt are no longer potent toxins, rather they are reminders, and indicators defining my state of mind helping me guard my thoughts and continue to stay on the right track....

these are such beautiful words.
thank you.

 

it is my belief that the majority of humans are under the condition called "primary narcissisism". (PN)

this means that we all secretly wish and hope (thrive?) to be "out of control" in the most literal sense. PN tells us that we want to return to our mothers womb.

but also, it means that we stand in awe of release we feel when in the presence of a power we cannot control. it really is a profound relief.

thanks again.
danny.

p.s. i have been in and out of every psych ward in the county. just like you, i value even the unpleasant times. my apartment was directly over the epicenter of the earthquake here in Salt Lake City a couple of weeks ago. i just layed on the floor and melted into the HUGENESS of the thing.

Thank you for the kind words.

And for the interesting stuff about pn.....

By "we all" do you mean people like us?

Not all people right......

The more I think about it, it seems like more a disorder than personality trait.....

Which is perfectly ok, I embrace my disorders...

You would have loved the last two big Alaskan quakes they were both way more powerful than an average quake.......like you could tell at the time it was a big one......

originally posted by: charlyv
a reply to: tgidkp

The secret, if there is one, is not to dwell on things and over-react.

Age helps.

Many of us old farts have been through a number of crises. The experience is difficult to abstract a teaching dialog from, so it may be just helpful to listen when old people talk.

To not dwell or over react sounds so simple but I now know what that means and how good of advice it actually is.

It took my 33 years of bad choices and living the many consequences to finally attain the clarity of thought to understand the difference between responding and reacting.

I have been reacting based on my first thought basically my entire life.

Usually our first thought is deceptive because it comes from a place of emotion or fear.

If we react through that filter it usually results in negative consequences.

The trick is to pause, and respond appropriately.

As for dwelling on things I know from personal experience that dwelling on something painful from the past will become debilitating and leak into your current reality and screw that up too.

It's hard to learn how not to.

One big step is learning how to not harbor resentment..

When I looked back at my life honestly and thoroughly I eventually uncovered the truth that for nearly every resentment I was holding on to, I was entirely responsible......when truly honest with myself I could trace back the choices I made. Even where I feel like for sure I was "wronged" ....no not really...

When I figured this out a couple years ago I felt a profound relief and peace..now to this day I hardly have any resentment in my heart and it's easy to understand and forgive people.

This has always helped me with this, and forgiving

"Resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to get sick"

Harboring resentment is only toxic for yourself..

a reply to: GoShredAK


I’m glad to read that things are improving for you! Your own cabin sounds awesome!

Peace

I have found that when it hits the fan around me I focus intensely and zero in on what I need to do to a high degree.

while good for short term issues longer term would leave me burnt out I expect, main reason I was building a network before I had to move so I wouldn't have to bear the brunt of it.

a reply to: KTemplar

I ended up punching out the window of my cottage in order to prove my loyalty to a woman and went to Jail.......

It's been a wild few months but here I am on the other side none the worse for wear and still progressing in my spirituality 💛💚❤️🙏