If this shelter in place doesnt end soon I am going to end up divorced...

a reply to: Irishhaf

It's going to be tough, this is a horrible scenario we are all facing and being in such close quarters in so much stressful conditions will bring the best of us to our knees.

You're wife is a complex being trying to process an insane situation, and so are you ...good luck and keep in mind your child.

ALCOHOL WILL NEVER WASH AWAY YOUR TROUBLES.

IT WILL irrigate them, instead.

It is self-medicating anesthesia from the pains of life. The only difference between alcohol and ether used in surgery is one water molecule.

originally posted by: Nyiah
I suggest every time someone so much as clears their throat, jokingly yell "Oh my god, you have the corona death!!" My kids have been doing this, someone disturbs dust somewhere & sneezes, and one kid will yell something like "AHHH, we're doomed, the death dealer lives here!" Or my personal favorite, "Nuke our house from orbit, it's the only way we can be sure." Kid has the meme down, lmfao. Find something about this to make into an inside (family) joke, and use it to release a little anxiety through laughs -- it works.

ROTFL!

originally posted by: Irishhaf
Seriously I am at my wits end with this woman, the last 4 or 5 days she wont do anything unless I ask her to, I get the kid from almost the moment he is up, I have to rock him to sleep, I am doing the dishes, trying to finish unpacking, yard work, masters program home work, trying to keep communication up with a couple airmen so we know where and when to get back to work.

[snip]

I dont know if its anxiety, depression or what but FFS she needs to talk to someone and so do I for that matter cause I am at my wits fricking end.

She may well be frightened or feeling helpless about the kid; about your drinking etc. and escapes into the media stuff.

Nevertheless, she needs to rise to the occasion as you need to rise to avoiding alcohol--probably totally--you sound like you have a predisposition toward alcoholism. Knock it off totally. It will destroy you & all you hold dear, otherwise.

Does she have any close friends who can speak truth to her and in whom she can redemptively confide?

Was she taught to stuff things or talk & work them through. She must learn how to work them through.

I hope you get on top of things ASAP.

originally posted by: JoseGarcia

originally posted by: Irishhaf
Seriously I am at my wits end with this woman, the last 4 or 5 days she wont do anything unless I ask her to, I get the kid from almost the moment he is up, I have to rock him to sleep, I am doing the dishes, trying to finish unpacking, yard work, masters program home work, trying to keep communication up with a couple airmen so we know where and when to get back to work.

[snip]

I dont know if its anxiety, depression or what but FFS she needs to talk to someone and so do I for that matter cause I am at my wits fricking end.

She may well be frightened or feeling helpless about the kid; about your drinking etc. and escapes into the media stuff.

Nevertheless, she needs to rise to the occasion as you need to rise to avoiding alcohol--probably totally--you sound like you have a predisposition toward alcoholism. Knock it off totally. It will destroy you & all you hold dear, otherwise.

Does she have any close friends who can speak truth to her and in whom she can redemptively confide?

Was she taught to stuff things or talk & work them through. She must learn how to work them through.

I hope you get on top of things ASAP.

Everyone goes through ups and downs in marriage. We all get on each others nerves. I quoted this post not to respond to the poster but to point it out to the OP. I agree. You need to get it together. Stop over-drinking, if there is a problem avoiding it altogether may be a good idea. That's all for you to decide. Take charge. Be a source of comfort and support for your wife.

Take time out, look at old pictures that will bring back fond memories, talk of little things that you cherish about each other. Watch a good movie together you both like.

I have seen many women and men, sometimes just boys and girls, if you will, who walk into marriage with totally skewed expectations. Be realistic. Be mature, and be the one that teaches your wife to be mature. The man has a great influence on his wife, and vise versa. Your maturity and wisdom can rub off. But first you need to be mature.

originally posted by: ApocalypseRising
Everyone goes through ups and downs in marriage. We all get on each others nerves. I quoted this post not to respond to the poster but to point it out to the OP. I agree. You need to get it together. Stop over-drinking, if there is a problem avoiding it altogether may be a good idea. That's all for you to decide. Take charge. Be a source of comfort and support for your wife.

Take time out, look at old pictures that will bring back fond memories, talk of little things that you cherish about each other. Watch a good movie together you both like.

I have seen many women and men, sometimes just boys and girls, if you will, who walk into marriage with totally skewed expectations. Be realistic. Be mature, and be the one that teaches your wife to be mature. The man has a great influence on his wife, and vise versa. Your maturity and wisdom can rub off. But first you need to be mature.

Agreed. Wise post. Thanks.

Modeling what one wishes in relationships is a great way to go.

Man, all I have is a gf, she’s camped out with her mom, I’m over with my folks.
If she was here, we’d probably be done for.

I’ve come to notice that a lot of people feed off human interaction.
I’m kinda enjoying this, really hope me or family members don’t fall ill though.

But I’m very happy to do the necessary and self-isolate, been thinking bout locking my folks out.
They’re not taking this seriously, I’m camping out in the granny flat on the side.

Items that need exchanging can be left at the door.
My gf is proving to be more of a challenge though, she needs attention...

Our lock-down is only starting on Friday, but why ruin a good thing by dying?

a reply to: Irishhaf


It may be possible she is in need of a much needed break, although it does sound like she is distracted or zoning out.

Her asking you to play the board game is her way of trying to connect to you on an emotional level.

Fix this now!

My ex would drink and do drugs constantly (Big reason we fought), and felt all that was required of him was to go to work, in the beginning , I worked longer hours than him and did all the cooking cleaning and laundry. I’ll never forget coming home from work on a Saturday to him running out the door holding my baby saying “here take him I have to go for a ride”. He’d say he’d be back in like an hour, 3 hours later, I went looking for him; found him coming out of a bar with the fluziest barmaid going to her car.

That was the beginning of the end.

I tried to make it work, but his selfishness and now abuse was too much to bear. I tried to leave him; rich mommy with clerk magistrate/dcf/and police connections literally threatened me with fighting over custody.

I knew I would win, but the thought of my son having to possibly spend summers, vacations and weekends there would not be safe. So I stayed.

This is getting too long, so I’ll just leave this here for you:


My son is 18 now, and his dad had tried to have a relationship with him for years. Sadly, my son can’t seem to connect with him, when I asked him why; he told me he doesn’t really know him. Which broke my heart, because when my son was a toddler he adored his daddy!

I read the book “The purpose driven life” over and over to keep me strong.

Whatever you have to do, do it! Or you may end up regretting it!

You sound like a good man. Your wife may need help, but remember this quarantine will pass.

Regret stays forever - Be Strong and god bless your family!

a reply to: Irishhaf


It may be possible she is in need of a much needed break, although it does sound like she is distracted or zoning out.

Her asking you to play the board game is her way of trying to connect to you on an emotional level.

Fix this now!

My ex would drink and do drugs constantly (Big reason we fought), and felt all that was required of him was to go to work, in the beginning , I worked longer hours than him and did all the cooking cleaning and laundry. I’ll never forget coming home from work on a Saturday to him running out the door holding my baby saying “here take him I have to go for a ride”. He’d say he’d be back in like an hour, 3 hours later, I went looking for him; found him coming out of a bar with the fluziest barmaid going to her car.

That was the beginning of the end.

I tried to make it work, but his selfishness and now abuse was too much to bear. I tried to leave him; rich mommy with clerk magistrate/dcf/and police connections literally threatened me with fighting over custody.

I knew I would win, but the thought of my son having to possibly spend summers, vacations and weekends there would not be safe. So I stayed.

This is getting too long, so I’ll just leave this here for you:


My son is 18 now, and his dad had tried to have a relationship with him for years. Sadly, my son can’t seem to connect with him, when I asked him why; he told me he doesn’t really know him. Which broke my heart, because when my son was a toddler he adored his daddy!

I read the book “The purpose driven life” over and over to keep me strong.

Whatever you have to do, do it! Or you may end up regretting it!

You sound like a good man. Your wife may need help, but remember this quarantine will pass.

Regret stays forever - Be Strong and god bless your family!

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originally posted by: nerbot

originally posted by: Fallingdown
Sorry but I’ve got nothing .

Hang in there .

I've got some chloroform. Any use?

Can I get some?

a reply to: Irishhaf

She is suffering depression and anxiety and using the social media/computer/TV stuff to 'self medicate'...

...I know this, because I have suffered similarly to your wife, and my husband (God Bless him) had to 'suffer' thru the situation with me just as you are, picking up the slack..

The good news is, our daughter is almost 22 yrs old, and we recently celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary...


Here is what the therapist told my husband -
Try to remember that depression is an illness, and not something your wife is 'doing' on purpose - talk with her honestly, but not 'angrily', expressing your needs while also encouraging her to express her feelings..

There's more advice I can give, but I don't want to drag this reply out - so, if you're interested or have specific questions, let me know and I'll be glad to help as much as I can..


P.S. Whatever you do - for your son's sake - you need to effect some degree of change in the way your wife is handling the depression 'before' you go back to work...
...because from what you describe, she is not being attentive to her child's needs, and your being away at work will only leave your son with even 'less' attention, which could certainly end up harming him emotionally, if not physically..

a reply to: Stupidsecrets
more women need to to be represented in the plumbing field. or the lunber and gas industry. maybe crab fishing? they aint calling for that equality are they. leave the kids with her.....it might hurt but you cant take the blaim which all women want men to do. go build a skyscraper then you get the phrase '''women can do anything men can do....onlny better. phish

a reply to: Irishhaf

Is the child fairly a Newborn?
I ask because I immediately thought of
Post Partum Depression.

a reply to: FreeFalling

18 months, and while still early may be starting to have sleep terrors third straight night of him waking flailing screaming inconsolable about the same time every night midnight to 1 am, but he also has multiple teeth coming in at once so as a first time parent I am unsure.
===================================================
as for the drinking, when I say I am drinking more than I normal, typically I have 2 fingers of whiskey neat while doing my homework. Since the shelter in place order about every other evening Ill sit on the front porch watch the sun go down and have 1-2 fingers more. (note I do homework typical 2-3 nights a week)

That is mainly to take the edge off for me, I am slow to trust to the level needed to confide actual troubles with people I see on a regular basis, so right now I have my family and my job and that's it living in a new state during a pandemic.

Pretty sure I even know where my trust issues began but that goes back 40 odd years and doesn't involve anyone in my life currently.

a reply to: Irishhaf

Just wanted to make sure you saw the "P.S." in my post above, as it wasn't added until the 4 hour 'edit limit' was almost up...

FYI- post partum depression doesn't necessarily start immediately after birth and can last a couple years or more, depending on the situation...

I don't think the amount you are currently drinking is a problem, 'unless' you start feeling that you 'have' to have the drinks..

Your wife needs to be made aware that social media and other computer, cell phone, iPad activities (games, Aps) are quite literally designed to be addictive -

- so using them to 'distract' (self medicate is the psychiatric term) herself from depression/anxiety is sort of a double whammy of 'not good'..

originally posted by: Irishhaf

[snip]

as for the drinking, when I say I am drinking more than I normal, typically I have 2 fingers of whiskey neat while doing my homework. Since the shelter in place order about every other evening Ill sit on the front porch watch the sun go down and have 1-2 fingers more. (note I do homework typical 2-3 nights a week)

That is mainly to take the edge off for me, I am slow to trust to the level needed to confide actual troubles with people I see on a regular basis, so right now I have my family and my job and that's it living in a new state during a pandemic.

Pretty sure I even know where my trust issues began but that goes back 40 odd years and doesn't involve anyone in my life currently.

Sorry . . . not buying your rationalizations about your drinking.

I encourage you to watch this video on the bloke who did 83,000 brain scans. Alcohol & saturated fats are bad news for the brain.

www.youtube.com...

===

I hope your relationship stuff is improving.

a reply to: Irishhaf


Maybe she is being paralyzed with fear? Or maybe you are just realizing the relationship faults being in closed quarters for so long with little personal distractions?

If it has always been like this, well then it isn't the Apocalypse that is going to make you divorce now is it?

Things have improved, I pointed out that the last few days my chore list was growing exponentially and I needed help, with the chores or the boy.

yea we have faults in the relationship, every couple does there is no such things as a perfect couple my parents were married nearly 50 years before my mother passed away and periodically my mother would look at my dad and say shouldn't you be fishing or going hunting soon.

They both recognized that every so often people needed separation from each other to refresh themselves and get back to the work that is marriage.