Reveal your mind

OK, maybe a common subject people... But still... I am at the moment very keen to speak about love... Difficult love.

Forgive me if my words are or seem a bit confuse. I am confused... Please feel free to add you comments, your story, your contribution to it, your opinions, your disgust or approval or anything. If there is a place to talk about it, it's here. If you want a place to free your mind, well... you have chosen the right topic. If ever, your feelings have been too heavy to carry just for yourself, share them.

Speak, talk, express yourself. Cry, shout, whisper, sing or just sigh... Phrase it, let it go out, go for it... I'm about to let the inner me go out... My keyboard may not stand it, my fingers may not accept it, but my heart needs it...

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So why? Why me? Why you? Why had it to happen then? Why did we have to meet? Why was I not the only one?...

He... well, he... he. He has... the right to have you. He ...

And me... and me I'm there wondering why he is there, why he is even existing. He... and oh... and me...

Why was I not there before? Why did it have to be like this? Why? I love you. You know. You may know. I'm... I'm sure you know... You must know. I mean, how could you ignore? Everyone knows... Maybe you just don't see, or..

Or maybe I'm blind. Or is he more than me? What else has he got that I don't? You??? Yes... He's got you. He has the right to touch you. He has the right to kiss you goodnight. He even has the right to have those eyes, those eyes! Those looks that make him so strong, so... Invincible.

And me... Oh yeah we have some good times, and yeah it's good and yeah we have good laughs and... Oh... If you knew... Oh, if only you could see... I just have your voice in my ears, your eyes in mine. Meager... I'm still hungry for you. I want you.

I'm crying now. Tears are clouding my thoughts but still the love I feel for you is clear. It is the only thing. It will always be. You don't suspect maybe, or... or maybe it's my fault... Maybe not... What should I do? What else? I mean... Just... what... Just what?

I would kill for you. I would steal, I would lie, I would... do anything... Anything. If you'd ask me for the moon, dam! I'd go there and get it. I'd bring it back here just for you! I... I... would.

I just want that you never know what pain is, what cold is, what hunger or thirst is, I just want that you don't know ever fear, doubt, cold, suffering, sickness... I just want that those words mean nothing at all for you! I'd make a world where everything is perfect, just so perfect... Only for you my love. I would. If it doesn't exist already, I'd make it. I'd build it... just there... for you.

Why is this world so cruel? Why is it never like you wish it was? I can't tell you that. I just can't. You will never read this. Probably. I mean, maybe. No... You won't. You don't really care about me now. You don't know in fact... I'm giving you my phone number but you don't write it... You take a cigarette from me, but it just burns and dies, and no flame has gotten out... So useless...

Please change. Please see. Please... Please... Rescue me. You don't have a lot to do, still it would be enormous. Just... please... do... something. I did what I have to do. You know probably... Oh well...

These letters will stay dead words typed on a keyboard that didn't ask for it. The words they do will stay dead sentences on a forum that didn't ask for it. But this love won't be a dead thing, and it just won't stay a hope forever. I love you..... Love me.


[edit on 10-3-2005 by SpookyVince]

Damn! Last time I felt like that I was a YOUNG man. I know of what you speak, I could have written the words myself a time or two in my life.

It shall pass and you will be wiser and stronger for it.

The best part of it is when you finally get over it and the tears are all dry and your brave and strong and ready to face the world again, then you meet someone else who might very well do the same darn thing.

Is this a cool world or what? I LOVE BEING ALIVE!

Our moments in the valley make as appreciate even more the sunrises we greet while on top of the mountain.

Love and light,

Wupy

Thanks for your words mrwupy... I think I don't really need that, but still it is good to read it. You know, (I'm going to be boring again!...) I don't even want anything else than her for now...

Let me go a bit further... Without revealing anything then, and btw no one here I think knows me nor her personally, I'm just very unlucky I think.

I frequently go to a bar within the base I work in, and it happens that a few weeks ago, several persons went sick or off (whatever reasons) at the same time. Then that day, I just like usually stop by the bar after work, and ooooooh.... She was there........

I didn't know her obviously, not even her first name, nothing... I think I did good though, because I know nearly everyone in the base because of my job. I introduced her to people, helped her a lot with the bar, lots of things. We exchanged our mobile phone numbers then. Just on the first day.

Then I promised that if I had something for her (job-wise, I mean, talking about something better than a replacement for a few hours a week) I'd call her. I did, and not even for a job, and it was nice talking. And we met again, the next day, and a few days later. But then, I don't know what happened...

Some guy, I know him well, was there and... I don't know. Something happened that shouldn't have been happening. They were talking, and talking, and I was there, I had still smiles and looks and everything, but I was not talking with her... And that guy, a friend of mine, was not talking with me, but with her.

OK, you're gonna tell me it is probably normal, it is probably the way things were meant to be? No. Surely not. He is going to leave soon. He is divorcing. He is 15 years older than us (about that). They don't even speak the same language... He is not even nice looking... honestly. I talked with her a few days later, like a friend you know. Like, "what the hell are you doing with him?". She said "I know". Her mother (she lives with her mother still) even is not happy with that.

All right, I will try to summarize that a bit. We talked a lot, and I talked even with that guy. He now has no more problems about me and what I think and feel for her. He knows. She doesn't want to go any further with him, and she has been trying already to break up. I said trying. Apparently they're not sure, either of them. But all the while, you can trust me that I still get all the looks like... oh... and all the smiles like... oh also... And we are so... close. Everything should be all right. All the people tell me that. I suppose she must have been hearing some things as well about that... Everybody says we look so nice, so perfectly made for each other when we're together...

So what? Is love just a lie? Is it just an illusion? Is it impossible anyway? What is in the way? Why? Where is the path? What did I do that I shouldn't have been doing? Or what didn't I do? I don't know. I'm near desperate now.

You know, I've been there tonite. The bar manager is a friend of mine. I don't pay anything there. Whenever there is a need for someone to grab a tray and go to the tables, get the empties, wash the ashtrays, anything you know, I don't even need to ask. I can go behind the bar and get the tray and do the job. They all know me. Not trying to imply anything about me, but this is the kind of situation. That place is like mine. I know the price of everything, I know the customers, I know where things are in the store room, etc., you know...

So, right, I've been there tonight. After 4pm or something. She was busy. Lots of persons, but all right. I didn't have to do anything. She is doing way all right now. And obviously we had several moments when we could talk a bit, you know like friends would talk, talking about things, we had some good laughs today. Then it was more busy, and a few other persons where there, amongst them the commanding officer of a support unit. I know that guy very well, and we talked a lot. And I started to notice that she was looking like... like ignoring me...

So ok, I kept on talking a bit with the guy but then also a bit more with her, but she didn't talk, like just heard my words and turned away. Some sounds like a yes or a ok and that's it...

I had to go then for dinner, and I said so, and she was looking like all right with that, I said (she had a bit of a headache today) "I promise I'll get back and be there with you for the end of the night", which is about midnight. And she looked quite happy to hear that, nearly like relieved to know that I'll be back.

So then I left, went for dinner with another guy, good friend that she knows now also, and then I got back, around 11pm. And that guy was there, and they were talking still. I don't understand. They have been talking about breaking up. I have been talking with her about him, and she says it's not serious. I have been talking with him and he says (basically) "ok go for it", "I got no problem with that" (sic). But still, I don't get nowhere interesting. I invited her for saturday, but she's working. Sunday, but no she's got family things to do (I do also, but...), Monday then? Don't know...

What should I do?... What now? Keep on trying? Leave it? I don't know... I don't know anymore... You know, I'm not the kind of persons to let myself go at anything. I've had too many already and I'm rather like protective to myself. I don't allow me to be approached too easily. But this time, it is a real thing, a real feeling that I'm sure of, it is a thing I don't want to let go and disappear like smoke in the sky... But all the while I'm suffering because nothing happens... Just a run of bad luck for the start. OK, I can cope with that. That's all right, because I know the what's and why's and when's or about that... But now... What is it now? Why hasn't it changed? Why has nothing still be triggered?

I can keep my eyes on her for minutes. I even prefer when she doesn't notice, because if she notices, she... like smiles and turn away, you see. I love to see her, I can spend my time just watching her...

Why does she still throws me looks like I've barely ever had before from anyone? Why is it that everytime since then, and we don't know each other for long as a reminder, why is it that everytime she just calls me for anything? Why is it that she really trusts me? (won't explain that one, this is long enough) Why is it that she smiles so beautifully when I enter the place and kiss her hello? Why is it that even when she's working hard and busy, I'm sent a look now and then, a look that looks like she didn't want me to see that she was looking at me? When I turn my head and notice it, she just turns away herself... Why?

I know she knows... And to be honest, not to pretend to be, not to imagine things, not to go to anywhere but reality, to be real honest, I know, because I have seen it, that it wouldn't be a problem for her anyway. I'm not that stupid, not that blind. I may be a bit biased because I'm in love, but still... But just why then? What did I do to earn that? Or rather what did I do not to earn her?

Please someone explain me. Please someone tell me that I'm not that wrong. Please someone tell me that I need to hang on to it. Please... I just don't want to give up, I have no reasons to give up, but now I'm like... tired. I don't really believe in anything anymore... For once, just for once that I feel something, just for once, would it be useless again? No, please, tell me that I need to go on. Please tell me that right has its right upon wrong, that there is some reason why I should keep on believing. If you have a reason, state it!

You know, somewhere in me, I know that I should simply call her tomorrow afternoon or sunday sometime... But I honestly don't know if I will have the... force to do it, once my phone will be in my hands... Does it have to be that difficult? Why when it seems so obvious then?