Smiling on the outside, crying on the inside.

Hi all 👍

Not even sure why I'm writing this, but I think I just wanted to share a little and encourage others to do something if they are going through the same.

I suffer from service related PTSD, details aren't that important other than I served down in Crossmaglen, S. Armagh for a couple of years during the troubles. Whilst I enjoyed my service, it left me with PTSD which I've had many treatments for over the years. None have really cured it, just kept a lid on things if I'm honest.

So a year or so has gone past since my last lot of sessions and things aren't great again, it's like I really struggle with things in between the sessions if that makes sense. You only get so many sessions of treatment here in the UK, and I think towards the end of it, I try and make myself and the therapist believe it's all working fine, as it's the last of my help. Plus I hear about soldiers who have had one course of treatment and their pretty much sorted.

Then I go back to the norm.....hypervigilance through the roof, sleepless nights, depressed even though I'm the one smiling and being the nice guy to everyone around me. The slightest little thing can set memories off from my service, last month I had to restrain a guy who was about to throw himself on the train tracks, but all I can think about is the times I've seen mates who needed help. If a house nearby gets burgled, my alert response is through the roof for weeks.

Even seeing terror attacks on TV, they get the memories flowing of my service. Add to that Remembrance parades and the anniversaries of military events, whilst they are extremely important to remember, it just adds to things.

Anyway, I've just rereffered myself for treatment, as I've copied badly as well as I can on my own. It's a relief just having done that, doesn't stop the tears but I'll run out soon enough 😁

As I've said to many friends before, guys are notoriously crap at asking for help....add a soldier to that and it's a nightmare getting them to admit things aren't going great.

If I said all this to anyone here in my village, they'd probably be surprised as I'm usually all smiley, but in reality I'm just a typical example of the "smiling on the outside, crying on the inside".

I think the amount of people being just downright nasty to strangers on the internet gets to me sometimes too. As we all know this can have such tragic consequences, yet people just keep on doing it.

It's not hard to be nice to someone, it costs nothing and as they say, you never know what battles people have going on behind the scenes.

So if anyone is in the same boat as me, not nesseccarily due to army service, it could be anything, please get in touch with someone, it can make a massive difference.

Cheers for listening.



CX.

a reply to: CX

Well said Sir!

People do indeed cope differently to life events and your speaking up on here will surely help someone with similar symptoms.

PM me if you ever want a natter.

But for now, have a on me.

The dark patches of the mind are more painful than anything the body can experience.

I've been using a fungal treatment that has pretty much annihilated my decades old depression and anxiety. A week or two of treatment seems keep my mind in the light for months.

Good luck with being happy!

a reply to: Cymru

Cheers, much appreciated 👍

CX.

a reply to: wheresthebody

Very true, glad to hear you're finding what helps you. 👍

CX.

It's really quite interesting that even your post here comes across as you coping very well, and chippy. But it's a post in which you're admitting you need help.

Hope it all goes well for you!

originally posted by: wheresthebody
I've been using a fungal treatment that has pretty much annihilated my decades old depression and anxiety. A week or two of treatment seems keep my mind in the light for months.

Are you talking about what I think you're talking about? I know someone who I think would benefit from that as well.

a reply to: CX


Much too complicated a problem for simply a post or indeed many posts,

however even though you dont feel it you are moving in the right

direction. Keep your mind occupied to stop the mental pictures,and I

always find metaphorically forcing one foot in front of the other to keep

going is not only good for the psyche, but tires you enough to improve your

sleep pattern.


'Gardening' is a massive aid both for mind and body, and if you dont have

one perhaps with councils cutting back many small towns and villages are

using volunteers to help with keeping them in bloom.


Good Luck and be kind to yourself, you have much to offer.

a reply to: and14263

Thank you, but yeah that's me all over, try not to moan too much and keep a smile on.

CX.

I served in combat and almost died, seen people die in combat but it doesn't bother me. I figure we are all going to die so...meh. I am more vigilant in crowds but I don't think that is PTSD. Just good old common sense. Maybe it saves my life or maybe I can save someone else needing help.

I think if studies were done on people like me it could help others. Why did I see all this combat and nothing wrong with me while others really struggle with it I have no idea.

a reply to: trollz

Yes, it's actually changed my life.

I had no idea how sad I was.

originally posted by: Stupidsecrets
I served in combat and almost died, seen people die in combat but it doesn't bother me. I figure we are all going to die so...meh. I am more vigilant in crowds but I don't think that is PTSD. Just good old common sense. Maybe it saves my life or maybe I can save someone else needing help.

I think if studies were done on people like me it could help others. Why did I see all this combat and nothing wrong with me while others really struggle with it I have no idea.

This is just a guess , but I think some people are not outwardly affected by death and violence, and some fall to pieces at the slightest hint of it.

Much like hope can be an amazing motivator for some people, or it can be a terrifying roadblock for some due to past failures/unnachieved goals.

I think it's just the muscle memory map of how our brains are wired differently.

Whatever we've preprogrammed our brains to accept will not elicit panic, but step outside of that parameter and complete breakdown may occur.

The human condition is a strange thing.

Fellow service member here...and i feel your pain. I havent been in a furball myself but had to deal with peeps who have. Everyone deals with it differently. Some talk your ear off...others bottle it up.

I do find it appaling how you Brits are treated. Have you found your own kind to help? Maybe start a facebook group? Your fellow soldiers are the only ones who will truly understand you.

a reply to: lakenheath24

Hi,

I'm looking into support groups right now, and there are many online options which is great. Funnily enough theres a Facebook page which is a military banter page, very therapeutic but caring when needed i must stay. Fill Ya Boots it's called.

I'm on the fence nowadays with the whole "only soldiers will understand what i'm going through" thing. I used to feel like that at first, if you hadn't seen mates with bits missing or dead in a conflict zone, you wouldn't understand. However i trained in Personal Training and Sports Therapy when i left the army and had to do a talk on a health related subject.....and all i knew was PTSD.

After the talk, about a dozen people from all walks of life came up to me saying they were going through the same. One lady had lost five babies in childbirth, another guy was a miner who had lost mates in mining accidents, another was a fireman who had seen way more than i had.

Different causes....same symptoms though.

It does help though if they have a rough idea of the conditions that we worked under though, the average civillian won't understand how it feels to go out on patrol knowing that intelligence has said theres a high threat of an IRA .50 cal sniper attack...so you were basically the bait so the SF guys could catch them in the act.

Then again as a father of two daughters, i'd rather go through what i went through again than lose a kid.

Then theres what Stupidsecrets posted above, i find it very confusing and frustrating that there are people who have seen tons more than i have, yet have come away seemingly ok. I really loved serving my county, and if i wasn't a 47 year old broken body i'd do it again.

Thanks for the replies though everyone, it is much appreciated.

CX.

a reply to: CX

We all do our best to cope differently.

I've reengaged with support here too, and we only get 10 sessions a year.

And while my issues are not combat related they are still diagnosed as PTSD related... worst thing is involuntary detainment....

Off to see what damage the police did this morning. Then to the psych..

I feel sorry for you mate.. the mind is the best at reliving our worst experiences...

:/

a reply to: CX


Hey there CX. I suffer from PTSD, and have for a very long time. Not service related, but multiple other things!

I used to duck when my old boss would wave hi to me walking by. (Nicest guy btw), but it was so embarrassing when I realized I had done that. I ducked into a bathroom immediately.

It really sucks when it interferes with your everyday life. I have a counselor, and I am so grateful for her. She can’t cure me, but I am working at managing it.

Msg me anytime, and Thank you for your service!

a reply to: KTemplar

Thank you, appreciated. Glad to hear you have someone helping you.


CX.