Gone, but not forgotten.

Okay, so this has just been a recurring thought in my mind in the last few months. I suppose the idea has been a weight on my shoulders for an extended period of time now, maybe years. Mostly, maybe, because I have had dreams about it. About disappearing, just up and vanishing from the life i've had for the last 3 decades. In a sense it would be like dying to those around me, but to me, it would be rebirth. Don't get me wrong I love my family, my friends, people I care about. I've just always had this weight upon my shoulders, a bit of a traumatic past and it's steered me in a direction I never thought possible. I feel as though the further I am from those people, the better. Where I would go, i'm not sure. Maybe journey across the country in hopes of finding my purpose. I have no children, and that is by choice. I feel as though I have never truly found my tribe, my people. I was once told by a medicine man that I once belonged to a people from the west, somewhere in the mountains, and that I would write 4 songs. Much of my life until now has not coincided with that prophecy, and it has me questioning my path. Have I fallen off what fate had in store for me, do I wait for it, or do I take a leap of faith? At this point in my life I have given up my mission of "Taking back my name", but have focused more so on leaving a positive legend behind. There have been variables why I haven't lived my life directly, and I'm just not sure if i'm punishing myself, or pursuing something. I've done nothing but train my body and mind for years, in hopes to balance this empty feeling in my heart. I was told, "You need to have children, they will give you purpose". But to me, that might be true to a degree, but I need to know who I am before that. I am frightened by the thought of having children before ever serving my purpose, before I give up on myself. The feeling of disappearing out weighs the thought of becoming known. I used to think it was a depressive thing, but now i'm not so sure.. I feel like with age, and all that comes with it, I am more grounded, yet, am more curious and urgent about experiencing the world that is unknown to me.

I suppose this isn't really a question, and I am not seeking advice (though words are welcome) more or less just using this as a platform to feel not so alone. To even see my own words right before pressing Enter sort of helps. It's been 10 years since i've been here, so this feels foreign to me.

Yes there's nothing wrong with that, I have have always felt same way and also have no children as a result - interestingly with no desire for children either.

After all why would i want to bring another soul into a world that makes no sense anyway? Thats despite having a long term opposite sex partner also.


Our desire to go home spiritually with no direction on how to go about it in such a oppressive planet is the reason we confuse depression with frustration.

Still I'd rather be where i am as clearly that's where im supposed to be - whether i like it or not.

Better to be alert/awake and as a result dissapointed than be what could only be considered a commoner when all is said and done.

With age i find a groundness also but i fight it's complacency as those are steps backwards into commonality end of day.

Take care.

originally posted by: CthruU
Better to be alert/awake and as a result dissapointed than be what could only be considered a commoner when all is said and done.

You are right about that, yet.

Truth be told, I'm not too worried about becoming a commoner. My Father was somewhat of a leader and respected member in his/our community some years back, and one thing I always remember him saying is ,"The people you meet on your way up are the same people you're going to meet on your way down, so be humble. I am a simpleton, yet, I have this burning desire to reach for the skies despite my short comings. I've been rejected enough to not to really care about the repercussions anymore, just the experience. To me, in the end, it's not the victory that matters most, but the experience that carries us further than anything. I have my fair share of losses, but the victories.. god the victories are bittersweet, even if few and far between. I try and remind myself to fight for the cause and not the glory. To do what's right.

If I carry on with who I am now I may just be going through the motions, just living on auto pilot. And one day it might be too late to get up and GO. The biggest fear is the people I will leave behind. I know the damage it does to go "missing", or to drop off the face of the earth. Yet, it has just been a swimming thought in my mind. Rebirth.