"I am (Scarface), come from the dead, Come back to tell you all"

That is a line from a TS Eliot poem I have utterly polluted and adulterated so shockingly. The poem is called "The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock" and is widely regarded as Eliot's first full on genius poem that got him recognized. It tells of the psychological trials and tribulations of the artist as a young man. It is very beautiful, read it if you ever get the chance:

www.poetryfoundation.org...



I was thinking about how scarred up I am psychologically, how many ghosts haunt me, how much pain still reverberates, unresolved orphans who paralyze me sometimes emotionally. I am emotionally a cripple. That is my disability. I have an emotional disability. It floods like a burst dam.

I am working my way through, but we all know that wounds at best leave scars. I have so many. I bet some of you guys, do, too. Well Chucky, Ed, Tony and John are here to tell you you are not alone. Keep sewing up the wounds. I have sewn many.



Forgiveness is the suture and our will the stapler. Staple the sutures and stitch your soul back together you patchwork rag doll. They do not know what they do and what they have done. This world is impossible for me to live a normal life in: The awful daring of a moment's cruelty and ignorance an age of apology can not retract. This is why I am always rattling on about consciousness.

I am paralyzed this morning. All I can do is sit here and write. I am ever wrestling with my life. That is a healthy thing. I feel so lucky that God made me gentle. It is that which has been my rescue and my success. Always I have it in my soul. I could have been such a punisher if I had been hard in nature. You lucky world that gentle Teachers have taught in you.

You are up early I am up late I’m glad our paths crossed

So.

Who's you lil' frien now !!?

I wasn't even what I consider an adult when I went to Baghdad and started handling bombs on a daily basis. Back then ied's were fairly new to the game. Basic training was still teaching us all about mine sweeping and graphnel hooking. So I drove the roads looking for explosives everyday for 427 days with basically little to no training, but became an expert real quick.

In a job like that speed kills because most bombs are victim operated. Convoys would see us doing 5-8 mph and blow right past then an hour later call us over the radio for help because one of those vehicles was now a pile of blood and scrap metal.

Before long they were calling us to go first down all the "scary" roads and telling everyone to move aside when we showed up after 3 day missions to the chow tent. Almost every day I was standing over an artillery shell rigged up in some fashion or a platter charge or some old anti tank mines re-implemented for mayhem. No matter how many times these bastards tried to maim and dismember me I just kept ticking.
I got knocked down a few times. Couple/few broken bones, lost a finger(sewed it back on), took a mortar on the noggin(literally on top of my head, no joke, I have pictures), had to be recussitated once, was in a coma for 3 days on intubation with a damn piss tube. But I made it back. I was always such a peaceful creature. Usually the sadistic ones were unlucky. I chalked it up to karma. Not always. I did see alot of really genuine souls lost as well.

As for my point to your thread and why I chose to post in it. I admit a few times when I was attacked I really did some damage. A buddy of mine got jumped by 5 guys and something in me just came out, like I wasn't me for a 90 second period. And when the smoke cleared there were five people on the ground, scary stuff. But I catch bugs inside and escort them outside. I love all things. It's strange, I've always just wanted to help and care.

I've witnessed the absolute worst of all there is to offer in this world and I carry it with me every single day. Sometimes it is difficult to keep it hidden. But I am trying very hard to believe that each and every one of us have been given the ability to create the balance between good and evil.
That regardless the evil is there and it is within all of us as well. Inescapable mostly. But I have to be able to snap myself from the daydream of reliving the bad experiences when I'm at the table eating with my family because I am not there I am here. I don't know what keeps trying to pull me back there but I don't want to be there, I want to be here ffs.