Younger days gone by

Certain things ignite certain memories.
tonight i sat and watched my life sit before me.
i watched everything in its place. everything except me. a particular line, in a certain movie triggered a memory, a past.
everything around me blurred out of sight.
i couldn't hear, see, or feel anything that was near by.
i was lost in the tragedy..
i snapped out, and the movie was near over.
i must have been gone for at least an hour.
i grasped for the one thing i didn't want to ever let go.
held onto the only hand i ever wanted to hold.
i held it tight.

the letter b. (brokenbrokenbroken)


i fought back tears. i lasted this long, i wasn't going to lose myself right now.
not infront of him.

at times i look around the room and wonder who i've become. who am i?
im not myself.
look what you've done.


i remembered.
all of it.
the way you treated me.

'I'm just tired of being your child. your favorite anything you need to use me for next. the personality to fill the gap. the thing to be in love with when you're alone. or the one to blame when the rest of the word is breaking you into pieces. '

i remember that line. i told him that the day before his friends cornered me in the bathroom and held me down in the tub.

i remember that day.
bathroom, washing my hands, bang. door flung open. the way they strode in. the smile on the taller one's face. the tub. the hard porcelin tub under my back. bruises forming under each touch. the way i screamed.


i can still hear my screams.
i can still hear their laughter.
the smell of beer and marijuana on their clothes.

let's take notice on the subject of apologies. and how they waste my time. (i dont care if you're sorry. i dont care that you 'weren't yourself'). I cover my ears to block it all out. i can't stand the noise. the smell of beer, and drugs. it makes me vomit.
I promised myself to never go near beer. never drugs.
i will never fall for someone who does them either.
i wouldn't be able to handle it.

I really thought that mess created was mess undone, and now there's just a void. and some yelling. but mostly just void.
which is the loudest of all.


"your going to die all alone and you cant stop it."
and i guess i can't.
and i guess this is where the fear came.
touching.
being close.


i wont go through this again.




you can't understand my difficulties.