My Gray Area...

a reply to: silo13

The perpetrator should try to seek forgiveness from the victim including doing any penance required by the victim. Unless the victim forgives the perpetrator there is no healing and no absolution.

a reply to: silo13

Tough topic, these days, especially with such accusations being tossed around so easily, and often, likely, for political reasons. That said, if someone did commit such crimes, there should be justice served. The person who was the victim has a right to that, and some sort of punishment needs to be dealt out to the offenders. Those who do such things do NOT stop, and thus would be a danger to others. That's a very real concern.

As for what can be done, that would depend on the laws in whatever area the crimes took place, most likely, and what burden of proof was needed. I'd like to believe that most people want such offenders punished, and prevented from acting again, but we also have to consider what can happen with a false accusation, and that means a person needs to be found guilty, to be either prosecuted criminally, or even civilly. A civil trial would be simpler, I'd guess, but could still be difficult.

I'd say, if there is a real hope of justice, someone should try to make that happen. If for no other reason than to protect future victims, that would be the best thing. I don't think anything can "correct" what was done to such a child, but that doesn't mean nothing should be done.

a reply to: OtherSideOfTheCoin

I'd disagree on that one. I believe this is a perfect place to discuss such issues. Nothing graphic is being posted, which would be different, but people need to be aware that such things happen. There was a time when no one even acknowledged that such abuses were real, and that meant victims had nowhere to go for help. Is the topic dark? Yes, very. Distasteful? Of course. However, what is the alternative? To push it aside, because it's not comfortable, so that people can choose to pretend it isn't real as was the case before?

If someone chooses to post, that's their decision, and there is no reason people cannot be sensitive online, same as in any other sort of forum.

Ignoring it normalizes it. I understand you can't go back and change anything. Which is why I think it can be easier for someone to tell you that there is no other option than to "let it go"

Fact is. Anyone who's been through... that, will never let it go. Not truly.

I'm sure the main reason many people choose to seek justice is if you feel it will save someone else the pain they suffered. Regardless, either way (in my opinion) justice is required - if possible

a reply to: antar

Let me see if I can go through this and answer some if not all of your questions. Considering I know your heart is in the right place I don't mind doing so for you at all.

So is the original pedophile rich?

He is now. Up to my Mother and Step-Father's death I refused to allow my daughter around any of the family, and I refused to recant my 'story' of the past. Just to let you know? My 'parents' (and I use the term very loosely) were lower-upper-class who had matching white Cadillacs, the best seats at all the local restaurants, were heavy in local government, taught classes on land owning and were extremely 'well off'. All that being said? When they past on they left the whole shebang to the 'abuser' - My. Pauley Pure who's shat never stank in their view. And there is NO DOUBT they KNEW just what he was doing. Fact of the matter? When I started my menses they kicked me to the curb so there’d be no little incest babies.

Does he have anything to offer in a lawsuit? Are you willing to bring all the detail out before a jury of your peers and take the chance that you could lose the suit and end up being marginalized and re-victimized all over again?

I have no problem at all bringing up each and every filthy rotten detail. See, it doesn’t ’own’ me anymore. So, really - it’s all on him and I can lay that blanket on thick - it’s not like there isn’t years of deviance to choose from.

Do you have the strength for the long drawn out timeframe it will take to even get your day in court? Willing to be verified by not just the judge in your case but many many others leading up to your day in court?

I would like to think I am.

Realistically taking the first steps would seem daunting if you have not purged your mental states from the ptsd it has caused your entire life to be overshadowed by. Has this been discussed in therapy over the years? Have you received a diagnosis of the past trauma?

Yes I’ve been diagnosed with PTSD and my doctor tried repeatedly to get me to take meds for it - but I’ve never fallen into that trap thank God.

What are the true and honest reasons for taking action against your violators? What motivates you to come out publicly now rather than in years gone past? What would your ideal outcome be in a court case and how do you see your life rising up to a higher state from the chance of winning?

There are so many people ‘coming out’. Before now? I never felt like it was anything I could talk about - it’s never been ‘talked about’. Also - I read something the other day that really rocked me. If I could find the quote I’d give it to you but I lost it, sadly - anyway, it basically says society, to date, has been revictimizing by telling those who’ve been abused to ‘get over it’. Like it’s OUR fault. But no, this day in age the abused should be embraced, taken care of, and in any situation possible a high financial cost should be paid by the abuser if not jail time, etc.
It was worded much better than that but you get the idea.

I didn’t include the rest of your questions at this point as Mother is dead, no other abuse victims (’I never wanted anyone but you’ - he said). (Puke).

Silo we have been friends for many years, and you know that without our members standing by me in the darkest times, the most difficult times I may not have survived. ATS is the perfect place to come to with questions like you posted in the OP. My respect for finally having the courage to open the dialog for yourself and many others who also have to weigh the possibilities of coming out or letting go.

Yeah, going on 20 years in just a few. That’s just amazing. Where did the time go? And I agree, ATS should be a place where anyone can come to the table with their issues but I do think it’s not for everyone. Me? Like I said, this events don’t ‘own’ me anymore. There’s nothing anyone can do or say that would get a ‘reaction’ out of me any longer. But it’s taken a long time.

No one can say anything that will change what was, and for that I am so sorry, yet we can be here now to help yourself champion that inner child who you have bravely taken by the hand and offered as your adult self to help. No, adults were there for her, but you are her protector now, and you will figure this out for her and discover how to love yourself through making the choices that will be right for you.

I am always just a u2u away.

That’s exactly what someone else in the ‘know’ said. Probably the reason, base line reason that I’m doing this. Now that you and I have ‘talked’? Yeah, I’m doing this. Decision made.

I’ll write it up - sit on it a few days - then send it to the Prosecuting Attorney here where it happened and in his home town. After having it witnessed, etc.

See, I remember this little girl who, when the voices started at the end of the hall? ‘Come here... Come here... Come here or I’ll come and get you’ - That little girl would put all her stuffed animals under the bed, cover them up with a blanket and tell them they would be safe if they didn’t say anything.

That’s the little girl I’m doing this for.

Shat. I hadn’t remembered that until now. *Tearing up*... I guess I’m not as ‘over it’ as I thought.,

Just came in from a whole day trip to KC and am exhausted, partly because I told my sister about this discussion, my respect for you and admiration for your talents, creativity, and strengths. As she had similar experiences figured I would get her take...wow.

Have to say it is so important that you opened this discussion topic and honestly I am certain it will help people like a pebble thrown into the calm of the pond.

I will be back with more thoughts.

a reply to: OtherSideOfTheCoin

Way to derail a thread. As an abuse survivor I clicked this thread because its a topic that hits home for me and I wanted to see others opinions of what the OP was saying. Thanks for taking that away.

a reply to: lucidclouds

Oh I'm so so sorry. I know how hard it is. Mostly because no matter what we do or don't do? It never goes away. There's no such thing as 'get over it' when out of the blue something, a touch, a smell, a scene in a movie - can take us 'right back there' again.

For the people who say 'just get over it'? I want to walk up behind them when they don't know I'm there and fire off a shotgun. When they jump and scream and are scared out of their socks I want to just say 'Hey, get over it.'

I hope you can find peace. I have to some extent...until...until until.