Conflicting feelings

My dad called me this morning to tell me that my grandmother passed away last night. This wasn't a shock, and I felt very unmoved, aside from feeling relief that she wasn't in the rough place she was just prior. I have/had a very loveless relationship with most of my father's family. My grandmother was always cold to my siblings and I. Never showed affection. I think she was similar with her 3 kids as well.

I feel sad for my dad, because not having a mother, warm or cold (emotionally) must be a very sad thing. He wasn't close to her, but she was the only mom he had. And she is gone now.

What has me in a weird place is that I feel incredibly sad that I didn't at least try to understand this woman who seemed to not like me or my brother or sister or my mother. I felt like she "tolerated" us, but that's it. However, I know there was more to her than that. What few clues I have gathered lead me to believe there was something that turned her into an emotionally closed book. And instead of trying to understand, I closed the door on that relationship long ago. Mind you, I never refused to interact or speak to her. It was always pleasant, but I felt no desire or need to have love between her and I.

And I think I was wrong. I don't believe I would have ever understood why she was the way she was, but I should have cared to show some interest. I hope I can learn from this.

I just needed to voice my thoughts. Thanks.

a reply to: chelsdh

You grew this year. For some people, it takes a lifetime.

a reply to: chelsdh

With the limited time, drive and emotional energy we all have, sometimes we must pick and choose who to try to care for.
I know exactly what you are talking about with relatives that I have that I see from time to time. I have long since given up trying to know or care for a few.
Some people I just can't click with and have told relatives that try to push the issue that very thing. And it's OK, because I refuse to "waste" and emotional energy and I have a feeling if they go first my feelings will mirror yours.

a reply to: chelsdh

I hope though when you reunite with her in the afterlife, she finally reveals why she feels that way.

You expressed your feelings, and there are so many, quite well.

People, relationships are complex for most of us and we'll never understand how and why people are who and why they are and where we fit into all of it.

Kudos for having found that place of understanding and peace. I find your sharing very insightful and mature.

And I think I was wrong.

Momentous reflection. Your grandmothers passing has shown you something that you can act upon now rather than possibly experiencing guilt over what might have been. It ''did''does not mean it still ''has to''. It's up to you.

a reply to: chelsdh

Someone once consoled me about the death of my father by saying, "Half the people on the planet don't have parents." I remember thinking at the time what a strange thing to say. But in a really odd way it was consoling.

a reply to: chelsdh

I know the type,ex mother in law was just like that,but now shes old and wonder why my kids don't care for her,there are sick people in the world,some come to realize,some never do,they made their life,no reason to feel sorry for them,they had their chance

Dad's family isn't close in the same way, and it always makes me feel sad for much the same reasons. It made me feel guilty especially as mom's side of the family is so close.

Thank you all for your responses.

a reply to: ketsuko

My family dynamics is very much the same. We grew up very close to the maternal side, but my dad's family was just so cold. We spent time with them, summer vacation, but it was never the same as being with my other grandmother (Meme), who relished her time with us and we never questioned that she loved us.

It makes me wonder at what it must have been like for my dad to grow up in that house? But, he was provided for (and it was probably much better than many since his mom was a nurse and dad was a career Marine). Life and families are strange!

If you reverse the roles when speaking about her and yourself, there is an apparent mirror between you both going on... take a look at what you wrote in that manner, and I think you'll become very well aware of who she was and why will naturally make sense on a different level than before.

Many times emotionally closed off is strength and distant knowing where one has been for that strength... not that emotions weren't present it's just getting over whatever it is accomplishes where laying around crying is just laying around crying and the task of spilled milk will still be on the floor once the tears stop.

a reply to: chelsdh

I would say that you don't have to fill bad. There's nothing you can change in the particular situation. But now you know that you should pay more attention to people around you.