Cold hard family truth...

Looking for some cold hard honest love that only the ATS community can bring. At what point does a son write off his father? Is it ever acceptable? Does a stepmother get in the way? Can she drive enough of a wedge between a father and son to warrant such an occasion? Or is the personality type A and B between a stepmother and son mean the wedge between father and son?


Stepmother changed father into someone you no longer recognize... huge enough rift to disavow?

Or has my over the road driving, which lead to a local job, (which subsequently led to my residence with bitch step mother and father) led to such extremes?

Im out in next ten days regardless. But they fact that father discussed 30 day warning with sister (blood), and not me. But hinted at a problem (30 day get out notice)...


How much leniency does one give a father with a bitch of a wife?

Should it happen? I don't know. Does it happen? Certainly. My sons father was very close with his grandfather. His step grandma came into the picture, and he cut the whole family off. She turned him away at the door without even letting him see his grandfather. One time she told him to get a haircut. He did. She still wouldn't let him see his grandather. Then we started dating, 9 years went by and we found out from distant relatives he had died over a year ago. Don't even know where is grave his. He left the kids one bond each. Sad they couldn't even love him or say good bye.

I don't wish this on you and your family. But I know sometimes the fight isn't worth it.

Best wishes, truly.

-Alee

a reply to: EternalSolace

If you find a women and she gets you to treat your son like crap, the women ain't the bitch, it's you.
Try to keep that in mind when dealing with the situation.

My Dad is gone.

I would chop off a finger to see him for 10 seconds.

Just to thank him and tell him I love him.

He had lots of crazy girlfriends.

But, I only had one dad...

a reply to: EternalSolace

Whoa, dude sorry about what happened. May the Force be with you.

a reply to: whyamIhere

Which is why I somewhat hesitate. He's still here. Regardless of actions, still my father. Does the bed he made (with stepmother) override everything else?

This is ultimately a question that can only be answered by the original questioneer...

It's a tough situation. I didn't go through exactly what you did, but it did have some similarities. I was still living at home while going to college. Here's the situation:

While attending college, I was working an on-campus job for the first 2 years. That job paid my car insurance, my car payment, my clothing, my tuition and my books.

My last 2 years of college, I went to work at the hospital where my practical on-site training was going on. I was still paying for all of the above, but in addition, my step-father insisted that I also had to pay off the braces they'd made me get at age 18.

My step father wanted me gone. He felt that if I was working, I should be gone. College or not. I was so busy with work and college, I was hardly ever home, but apparently, I was a drain on them and family finances. I'm not sure how because I paid for my own doctor's appointments, clothing, car, car insurance, and college fees, as well as my own glasses/contacts and I mostly ate at school or the hospital.

One day I came home and was told in no uncertain terms to get out and I was not allowed to take the car because my parents had bought if for me. My mom stood there and said nothing. She didn't argue, plead my case, or offer any sort of compromise. At that moment, I felt like a total outsider.

I was a full time college student, a full time employee and now I had no car to get to either work or college, both of which were in another town. That was a long, late night walk after work to a friend's house who I knew would let me stay.

That hurt. To this day, I still resent her so much for her silence and it put a huge rift between herself and my grandparents who were furious that I'd been kicked out while trying to get through college.

As bad as it sounds, I'm not sure if I will be able to fully forgive this. And she's never apologized either. And I've not brought it up.

if you're out in the next 10 days either way, just grin and bear it til then. once you're out, try to meet your dad one on one and see if there's anything there you can connect with. it's a starting point...

originally posted by: EternalSolace
Looking for some cold hard honest love that only the ATS community can bring. At what point does a son write off his father? Is it ever acceptable? Does a stepmother get in the way? Can she drive enough of a wedge between a father and son to warrant such an occasion? Or is the personality type A and B between a stepmother and son mean the wedge between father and son?


Stepmother changed father into someone you no longer recognize... huge enough rift to disavow?

Or has my over the road driving, which lead to a local job, (which subsequently led to my residence with bitch step mother and father) led to such extremes?

Im out in next ten days regardless. But they fact that father discussed 30 day warning with sister (blood), and not me. But hinted at a problem (30 day get out notice)...


How much leniency does one give a father with a bitch of a wife?

Honest Truth. Okay.

Have you discussed this with your Father?

I am myself a Father who has re married, the bitchy step Mother. Only I don't think she is a bitch, I think she is Right. My Wife is a loving caring step mother, it's just that my first Wife can't stand her. So my X Wife is the bitch and she started saying untrue things about us when my 2 kids would come and stay with us. She ended up putting me through hell, saying the kids didn't like coming here. If they didn't like it, it's because, I as a PARENT and my Wife have rules. We don't like kids who lie and we limit their TV, Video, Game, screen time and encourage outdoor activities and healthy eating habits. Whilst their Mother allows them to do whatever they like and get away with doing the wrong things. Trying to be the kids best friends, when she should be being a parent.

As a result of the lies and hatefulness towards us, because we offer a united family method of parenting, that was not acceptable to her. I have not seen or heard from either of my two kids for 3 years.

It is my Son's 16th birthday this December and I am going to do the (bigger thing) as a Father. I will write both of my kids a hand written letter, explaining how much I love them and the reasons why we don't see them. I will send him a birthday card and place some money into his bank account. Which I have set up for both my kids and I will hand to them when they are 18. Then I will also offer lines of communication and possible visits. Which will all depend on (A), if they actually get the letter and read it. (B), if they want to be in contact with me.

This is all I feel I can do and I have waited this long because it gets very hard to know how to handle it and what exactly to say to them. Plus I don't have any other direct line of contact with them.

Sorry for the rant. My advice is to talk it out if you have any contact. Don't believe everything you hear about one parent or another either.

a reply to: EternalSolace

So...


You're a bum that lives at home with dad and you're upset dad wants to just be alone with girl in cave?


You need to grow a pair.


fyi yes to your ?. I wrote my dad off 20 years ago. Fk that guy.

a reply to: EternalSolace

you write them off - when they are dead - till then - there is the possibility of change

It's not hard to become a father .... Much harder to be an actual Dad!!

Hot everyone is capable of the transition.

Thats a hard one to call,have no idea how you are personally and your age,I have 4 kids and I love them all but comes a time when they have to fend for themselves,maybe your stepmom sees your father is stunting your personal growth by enabling you,and besides your dad should have a life too,think about it,if I had a new wife I wouldn't want a kid too long in the teeth hangin out

Family relationships seem to be worse than the friendship ones. I've heard many stories of family members treating other members badly and have my own stories as well. Some times it seems you know more evil and selfish people in your own family than in your other circles.

a reply to: Bluntone22

Too true!


OneOneOne
Your relationship with your Dad is 50% him and 50% you. Take care of your 50% and if he falls flat on his face it's on him.
It's easy to blame the evil stepmom, but his choices are his choices.

Call him on his BS and make him explain his thinking.
Same as you would anyone else.

With NO communication there isn't any hope.

A stepmother can change the dynamic. I've seen it a couple of times. It happened with my aunt and cousins. It happened with my own husband.

That being said, I'm not sure there is fully enough information here to get a full picture of what is going on one way or the other.

originally posted by: whyamIhere
My Dad is gone.

I would chop off a finger to see him for 10 seconds.

Just to thank him and tell him I love him.

He had lots of crazy girlfriends.

But, I only had one dad...

That was pretty beautiful... Not being sarcastic I promise. True words

Star for you

a reply to: EternalSolace

Man... sounds like a doozy.

The best way I can answer this, is to tell you something about my father and me. I last saw him when I was eighteen, and I told him that if I ever laid eyes on him again, I would kill him dead on the spot.

He was the cause of the animosity I felt toward him, because he was a particularly bad father, and he needed no help from anyone in his life at the time, to get him there. He was just bad at being a father, and worse at being a man, so I cut him out of my life like diseased flesh from a limb, and to this day, think nothing much of it. I am significantly better off without that piece of garbage in my life.

The reason I mention this, is that if you ask me, its one thing to excise a person from your life because THEY are just toxic and dangerous to your health, but quite another to excise a person from your life because their partner is. Now, if you are saying that your father is permitting this person to toxify him, to the point where you can no longer deal with either one, regardless of their proximity to one another, then maybe hitting the ejector seat button is dead necessary, for your own sake.

Its not easy to think about, but its a damned sight easier to live with, once the clouds this sort of thing brings to a life, are no longer hanging over ones head.

Just wondering, 10 days are over?

I get the impression the thread starter had higher expectations of life and unable to lower them after the divorce, which is completely understandable such things are never easy. He feels bypassed while his father took the time to talk to someone about this and how to tell in a considerate way I'm just guessing here. Also he doesn't know the joys of carrying one's own weight and becoming an independent individual making his own decisions and rules even if it's just a cheap room with cheap furniture it would beat the parents home no matter if it's a luxurious mansion.

When parents treat their child as a 10 year old even when they are 40, it's time to shut them out and keep them at bay. When one of the parents start lying and cause trouble in your life it's the reason to shut them out completely and avoid all contact. The lies will only get bigger, the child is not wanted, neither parties enjoy each others company anymore, it can only become a mess except if a miracle happens. But I don't see that in the OP.