Joy in Spite of Pain - YJA 2017 [non-writer]

I will be leaving soon.

I know why. My righteous self, which I had held onto for so long - or short, as 32 years is truly not a long time - has departed.

I am a shell of what I used to be.

My talents have decreased.
My skills have decreased.

My heart has been destroyed.

There are those that are so lost that they believe if you are not exactly as they think you should be, or even as their memory believed you once were, that you are deserving of all punishment.

Maybe.

But what about when you lose your mind and everything becomes an illusion?

I've acted out. I've acted out without even knowing what it was that I was doing.

But now I know. You're the reason.

I don't want to hurt anymore. Why do you want to hurt me? Don't say, "Because of that time." This has been going on since long before that.

And you know it.

You want me to be something that I cannot be.

In fact, you desire something so monstrous that, if you experienced what you desire, you would wish for that you now wish you never had.

A beast of burden is so much more dangerous than a free-spirit. If you had wisdom, you would have seen this.

Of course, I shouldn't need to tell you what I think you already know. But it would be nice if you stopped pretending like you do not.

My pain has increased ten-fold because you won't let go.

I can't hold on anymore. I've tried.

I know that you will act pained and confused when I am gone, but someone might be watching who knows the truth.

Don't lie to yourself. Lie to others, but not yourself.

You know why.

Goodbye.



P.S. - I hope our futures are alike: full of peace and joy.

Joy in spite of pain. So much pain.

Maybe, just maybe, I'll see you there, in the place where we can be angels; who love and serve everyone instead of simply ourselves.

Thanks, anonymous flaggers. So there are some people who might see what this is.

I have shown this to my wife. Well... That was a reaction.

a reply to: TarzanBeta

Hey TarzanBeta!

Well I just read that 3 times and each time I had a slightly different perspective (so kudos for a "think piece"!!).

I also happen to love "dialogue heavy" pieces, so please have a S&F on me!

This part:
"There are those that are so lost that they believe if you are not exactly as they think you should be, or even as their memory believed you once were, that you are deserving of all punishment."
That I can relate to...even nodded as I read it.

You have quite a unique style and I really enjoyed it.
Good luck in the contest.
jacy

What I like about this story... Is that most of it seems like its my soul talking to my mind.
Well done!

a reply to: jacygirl

Thank you jacy. Maybe I'll share some of my writing on ATS. It does seem some people might enjoy that.

Thank you.

a reply to: LucidWarrior

Lucid, you have the dart on the bullseye. Wow. Thank you.

a reply to: TarzanBeta

I totally think you should. I for one would most likely relate to a lot of it personally.

As for the bullseye, well...

 But it would be nice if you stopped pretending like you do not. 

That would be very nice indeed and is in fact all I wish and strive for these days.

a reply to: LucidWarrior

Ahh. Pretense.

Hypocrisy's twin sister.

Or if you're female, brother.

There is something to be said for knowing yourself - as opposed to knowing each individual character we portray in the presence of each unique individual.

My wife is the only person who has ever seen the real me... And we're still trying to name him.

a reply to: TarzanBeta

that worked so well.

At one point I was thinking of drug addiction, some sort of toxic love between two beings, but then, a soul's attachment to the body is another form of addiction too.

a reply to: TarzanBeta

Nice love letter!

No real need for the long goodbye. Just one moment to put pen to paper and spill, drop by drop, the life blood of the pen to try and explain...

Well done!

originally posted by: SprocketUK
a reply to: TarzanBeta

that worked so well.

At one point I was thinking of drug addiction, some sort of toxic love between two beings, but then, a soul's attachment to the body is another form of addiction too.

If one considers their partner to actually be an extension of or an aspect of one's self, then to say that this is my soul talking to my mind is still accurate.

Drug addiction is an interesting take. Hmm. Definitely some reliance going on, and it's not a healthy one, but no drugs. Though I see how anyone could derive that.

Thank you very much.

ETA - the toxic love thing... Yes, indeed. It's just that the love is not toxic. It's an aspect of my mind not appreciating... an idea... that most would very nearly worship.

Trying to leave this vague here, hah.

originally posted by: TEOTWAWKIAIFF
a reply to: TarzanBeta

Nice love letter!

No real need for the long goodbye. Just one moment to put pen to paper and spill, drop by drop, the life blood of the pen to try and explain...

Well done!

Thank you very much! Well said yourself!

Tarzan - this is fantastic. First, your command of the language is excellent. Second, the piece is quite profound. Like jacy, I needed to read it multiple times, each time finding different perspective and nuance. Of course, I generally have the wisdom of a carrot, so I suspect the deeper meanings have escaped me.

Either way, S&F for excellent work.

a reply to: TarzanBeta
Very well written and quite absorbing. I felt sad that this person was going away, almost without resolution. They would never receive a response back.

But what about when you lose your mind and everything becomes an illusion?

I imagine that could be a good descriptor for some mental illnesses. Living in that world is painful and exhausting.

a reply to: SprocketUK
I had the same notions as you in my first read!
An addiction, love being the drug.

a reply to: TarzanBeta
I can only echo what others have said.

A superbly crafted, multi-nuanced piece of writing that can only be fully appreciated if read several times.

Thank you.

originally posted by: PrairieShepherd
Tarzan - this is fantastic. First, your command of the language is excellent. Second, the piece is quite profound. Like jacy, I needed to read it multiple times, each time finding different perspective and nuance. Of course, I generally have the wisdom of a carrot, so I suspect the deeper meanings have escaped me.

Either way, S&F for excellent work.

You know, it takes me some time to fully appreciate what I am saying in much of my writing.

From one carrot to another - Thank you.

originally posted by: TNMockingbird
a reply to: TarzanBeta
Very well written and quite absorbing. I felt sad that this person was going away, almost without resolution. They would never receive a response back.

But what about when you lose your mind and everything becomes an illusion?

I imagine that could be a good descriptor for some mental illnesses. Living in that world is painful and exhausting.

a reply to: SprocketUK
I had the same notions as you in my first read!
An addiction, love being the drug.

The more I've considered this writing while considering the last year of my life, the more I am in agreement with SprocketUK and, now, you.

Thanks from one Tennessean to another.

originally posted by: JustMike
a reply to: TarzanBeta
I can only echo what others have said.

A superbly crafted, multi-nuanced piece of writing that can only be fully appreciated if read several times.

Thank you.

Thank you very much JustMike.

a reply to: TarzanBeta

Ah?!! A neighbor!!


Well, I've got to root for you even more now!
You know, geographic loyalties and all