Is it cheating?

a reply to: Hecate666

Has learned? Doesn`t seem to me like she has. More likely she seems to thrive in such situations. Life can be the way you want it to be. You can bend it your way with sheer willpower but I agree that you have to be wise when making choices. A series of bad choices can turn your life upside down. However, sticking with chivalry can only hold you down for a certain amount time. If you have enough brain and determination, it will alll work out on its own, eventually.

Sure nobody is perfect but I see too often many people hiding behind this phrase. None of these people can tell you things the way they are, plain and simple, in your face. Always workarounds, want to make bad things sound less bad and less bad...to the point of even convincing themselves that it was not bad at all in their own twisted mind. See the pattern? Yes some may break free upon realising it was a mistake but some just go deeper and deeper to the point of no return, creating their own delusion of what is moral and acceptable. That`s how real life works. From within...

a reply to: Assassin82

she didnt delete the email , so she hasnt intended to hide it from you.

turn this situation into a win , ask her if she finds the whole boss / subordinate a turn on
if so then role play that # and you can resolve that situation yourself with her
and boss man will just be a creep , you play the role she finds attractive.

give her that fantasy if its something she is into.


As for the boss, you have the email ,ask your partner to report it through the proper procedures goto his superior.

also take a moment to find out why you feel the way you do about your partner , it comes down to our own ego and our expectations of others , our personal investment in others and what we expect to receive from them.
our male dominance over women on a basic level, this helps with jealousy and talking about it can help reduce the ego
so that you are less likely to feel anger or jealousy towards others who give attention to your partner.

If like me you both spend all your free time together , this can be good but also detrimental, remember you are in a relationship and that requires fluidity , like the dao !
its a flux a constantly changing and moving river.
Be fluid in your relationship, go out and do your own things without each other because you are also still an individual
you are the dualism of life , she the female you the male.
You need to have your own things otherwise things can become tedious or too much alike , too similar with no movement no change.

I hope it all works out for you , remember having your own personal space is good for you both as well as sharing everything you do.

a reply to: Assassin82

Also take into consideration how you would feel if your partner told you every day about how many unwanted advances a normal women receives in one day!

it would fry your brain , if every day she came home telling you how some guy was making unwanted advances it would drive men insane!
because we are so driven by our egos and our dominance over women as objects on a basic primal level , we need to protect them , we need to keep them for ourselves as our own and no one elses etc etc

jealousy levels and anger would be through the roof
sometimes women have to just not say anything as it would drive us mad they keep quiet about all the creeps to spare our feelings , and also probably because they brush it off as creeps!

All men are challenged and teased by our ego over women , the objectification and dominance of women
just be open and honest with your partner if you truly love each other then talking about this and your feelings towards
others specifically how other men interact or flirt with your partner!

we cant ask them to ignore every single male female interaction to serve our own ego
you just have to accept the fact that your partner is female and she will attract male and/or female attention
its a simple fact of life.

Work on building your relationship as a result of this rather than breaking it down to analyse it all , we cant change anything in the past , the only thing you can work on is how you feel at the given moment.
Let go of your feelings and realise they are fleeting and silly , all possibilities flying around in your head are your own creation and may well not even be remotely close to how a future reality would work out.

Be strong together and get that dude telt !

originally posted by: sapien82

It comes down to our own ego and our expectations of others , our personal investment in others and what we expect to receive from them.
our male dominance over women on a basic level, this helps with jealousy and talking about it can help reduce the ego so that you are less likely to feel anger or jealousy towards others who give attention to your partner.

^^^^^this^^^^
You lost me at thatMale dominance

Personally, in this situation, I would go to the boss directly about the porn link, say hey if we took this to HR what do you think would happen ? Then tell him back off and don't treat her worse either as in like fire her or transfer her or deny her any wage increase, and we will forget this happened. See what happens, if he fires her you go all in with the evidence and get lawyer.

Her reaction is very important to, if she freaks out, then you have a bigger problem, if she thanks you, then you are all good. But sometimes we have to be men and stand up to the the other Alpha males that are trying to land our women.

Beta's will always lose to the Alpha's if conflict arises, step up be a Alpha and protect your woman.

a reply to: Assassin82

You should break off your engagement immediately and notify anyone who has been to the wedding that it is off. You should not break it off with the intention of "thinking about if it will happen on that date or not".

Then she needs to ether address the issue at work or you need to end the relationship.

As a senior level at a major company I can tell you that I've experienceed enough workplace romance, either myself, peers or employees, to know that someone doesn't just send a porno unless there is a ton of two way flirtation, probably more, going on.

If she were to take the video to HR, even in a 3 letter company (I used to work for the DoD) that would end his career and she would be fine. If she hasn't or didn't it's because she probably knows if they investigated they would find that she reciprocated his advances.

We just had to terminate a female manager who was married for an inappropriate relationship with a male employee of hers. He was also terminated.

They both denied any physical relationship but she was using her business cell phone to send explicit messages and images to her employee and vice versa. How were we made aware?

Her husband called the company and informed HR he had seen an in appropriate message on her phone and that the employee appeared to be sending these unsolicited to his wife. When she was first interviewed she claimed that he was very flirtatious with her and that he took it too far.

The company recovered her text messages to his number as she routinely deleted them and found that it was a very two way relationship. This information could not be given to the Husband for legal reasons and I feel awful for that guy. No doubt he believes what his wife has told him. I'm curious how she explained her termination.

While no two situations are the same, the behavior your fiancé has shown to me says she does not respect her relationship with you, no matter how much you want to think she does.

originally posted by: Blue_Jay33
Her reaction is very important to, if she freaks out, then you have a bigger problem, if she thanks you, then you are all good. But sometimes we have to be men and stand up to the the other Alpha males that are trying to land our women.

Beta's will always lose to the Alpha's if conflict arises, step up be a Alpha and protect your woman.

This is all getting very silly now....* Protecting your woman,* and *Alpha males

that are trying to land our women.*


No woman that doesn't want to be ... can be landed by anyone unless

she wants to be


Some of you are talking about her as if she is weak pathetic and unable to look

after herself! She may be young? and inexperienced in the work place? but I am

sure she will manage to step up to the plate. I have seen how capable young

women can be when allowed to assert themselves.

Well I read about 5 pages and this is my 2cents.


There are 2 possible ways this can work out which is she's cheating or not cheating, obviously. But to figure that out we'd all here need more information alot more information that only you know, so you'll have to be the judge of it. But here's a few questions to ask yourself.

1) This is an emailing company, do they send spam? Do they send porn in emails to their clients? Are they associated with porn?
2) You clicked an e-mail that said homework, is it her first time getting homework? Why did you click it, it's an innocent title, have you been suspecting her?
3) What was the significance of said homework?


Now as I said she can be either cheating of not cheating;
If not cheating, one could say her boss is trying his hardest to get her in bed and she isn't putting up much resistance. If she flirts back she empowers him. He won't stop until he gets what he wants and even then he still won't stop. If she has to spend 8 hours of a day being around him in a personal space then there could be a problem there. Have her report him or quit the job, none of which should be a problem as sexual harassment will/can land big fines on a company and in the event she's fired for that she can sue as you can't blindly fire someone.

If she is cheating then she's in full compliance, her 'homework' seems a lot like just role playing. Did you watch the porn? Was it a submissive secretary or a dominant one? Compare it to her 'liking' which I assume you do know. The mere fact she complied and didn't speak to you of this homework suggests it doesn't bother her. Which is odd as it speaks directly to her current job situation. It's almost impossible to not understand what it is saying and what it means and would very clearly show that she's ok with it.

Really in the end only you have all the material and access to it so only you can figure it out. Forgiving can sometimes remind her and permanently set a redflag in her mind the next time someone tries that BS though, so it's up to you mate.

a reply to: eletheia

as males of our species , we have alot of brain chemistry which relates back to our primal ancestors and how we have taken this from our animal heritage!

our ego's in males specifically arises the ego's desire to dominate females look at male dominated groups of animals in nature, apes , wolves etc
this is prevalent in our brain chemistry through the ego !

its a male ego thing when another male attempts to draw attention from a female that you are engaged with emotionally or sexually. There is nothing we can do about it accept that we realise its our own ego making demands of our emotions , making demands through expectation. A smart human being in touch with their emotional self can realise the ego is trying to control you and can take a moment to reflect of why they feel a certain way about a situation.

Im not saying that males are dominant over females here , Im talking about ego and its primal affects on males.
It drives us to be dominant.

A smart human, can see where the ego makes attempts to convince us of an action to be taken and takes measures to think before acting based on basic ego desires.

a reply to: eletheia

Yeh read blue-jays post as "EGO"

because that right there is the ego talking to the male brain , trying to convince him that he needs to dominate
to protect , to make sure that he has his belongings , his property !
the ego forcing the critical thinking, logical and reasonable part of the more advanced features of the human mind to doubt itself! thats how strong the human ego can be!
it forces us to make stupid decisions based on primal instincts or desires.

but the ego is necessary it's apart of us and and cannot be deminished or completely removed, simply ignored like a crying child starved of attention

edit: sorry I'm at work so not taking all the time to write the most well rounded reply , im just rushing down the ideas
Im not trying to state that males are dominant over females , im stating that ego can easily dominate over a supposedly intelligent species
men and women alike! we like to think ourselves the smartest on the earth but we still fail when challenged by our ego

a reply to: sapien82

jealousy levels and anger would be through the roof sometimes women have to just not say anything as it would drive us mad they keep quiet about all the creeps to spare our feelings , and also probably because they brush it off as creeps! All men are challenged and teased by our ego over women , the objectification and dominance of women

Um, ok she can be quiet and not say anything if she feels this would make him mad. But could also say that someone flirted with her but she rejected him because she loves her partner very much. Much more elegant solution

However, telling him about it and then adding that she had 'no choice but to play in his fantasy' is something completely different. It`s teasing, concious or unconcious, and it`s a problem. You always have a choice to make, always.

Though, I agree with the rest you said. Partners should be equals, should make decisions together for the most part. No dominance, no secrets...no jealousy. Having a personal space always help but you can only make it work if you have trust in one another. It is an important step in every relationship.

Also one other thing , if you feel like it , take some psychedelics together , or some mdma. great for couples allowing ego to be reduced and let the emotions unite

While this is true, it is a dangerous road. Why? Because in case of future tensions you may both want to feel the love again and you`ll know how to find it. Should be done naturally if possible. It`s a tough road but definitely worthwhile.


a reply to: Assassin82

Also important to look at yourself first and see if you can better yourself also. Those angry looks at people when looking at your girlfriend don`t help either. You may be giving her too much of authority (thus hierarchic) atmosphere in the first place. Remember that you don`t own her, the relationship is mutual. So every thing you say to her that she must or must no do due to whatever reason, it works like a repellent. All I`m saying is don`t give her orders, talk to her instead, unless of course she wants a man of authority to nail her hard...lol

a reply to: Blue_Jay33


That's a whole lotta LoLz. What century did you post that from?

originally posted by: 8675309jenny
In fact I would say she's a definite keeper if she has strong career aspirations and doesn't let some douchey boss's advances bother her. More power to her! Play that douchebag like a fckin violin.

If he thinks his behavior is fair play, then ok, game on to exploit the opportunity. I admire one turning the tables on an opportunist to become the opportunist themselves.

That's generally my take but...the caveat is that she should have told her significant other. No question about that. IMHO. The fact that she didn't speaks volumes. Also, it wasn't just his advances, she jumped right in. Now who is harassing who? She has nothing on him now, the scorecard is equal. That's just stupid.

a reply to: sapien82

I think you are talking about the ID.

a reply to: sapien82

You are definitely referring to the ID.

The ego influences self worth, the ID is the instinctual trends based on physical and environment factors.

Concerning your post about self medicating, what does that accomplish except to band-aid an issue? Recommending someone take drugs to solve a problem is reprehensible.

a reply to: raymundoko

your talking about a society who take a whole bunch of drugs to resolve our problems , chemistry is apart of our nature

we have receptors in our brains specifically designed to attach to drugs to help facilitate their chemistry with our brains

cannabinoid receptors for example as humans have had such a long history with this plant our brains have grown receptors to bind to that specific drug!

its not reprehensible to suggest using drugs to resolve problems!
thats what medical science is about afterall isnt it !

Our entire human evolution has had a symbiotic relationship with drugs, psychoactives are probably the reason we are having this conversation right now!

As for the discussion on ego / or ID , it depends on who's philosophy of the mind/metaphysical you subscribe to doesn't it?
Jung , Hume , Freud , Lao Tzu - Taoism ! whichever you choose all theoretical
until we can image dream states and other states of consciousness, the mind , our access to consciousness is one vast frontier which still remains unexplored by modern western science/society

but we can make huge steps as a species by realising which thoughts are ego driven and which are not

a reply to: raymundoko

remember this the next time you have a nasty infection from a wound!

and claim that its reprehensible to your doctor that you take antibiotics!

a reply to: sapien82

Do you not know what reprehensible means? Ahh, I see what you mean. You seem to think taking antibiotics to cure an infection is the same as taking psychedelic drugs to avoid relationship problems.

I can see you take plenty of drugs yourself then. It's affected your thought process.

Bounce. Drop her. Run away.
She sent a link to a porn site depicting a work, Boss/Secretary scenario. It's pretty obvious what she wants from that.

She denies there ever being any physical contact. I'm inclined to believe her because outside of work we practically spend every minute together to include living together.

From 9 to 5 they are making porn in the boss' office.
You already considered it cheating.
Leave because she has no problem with a work environment like that.
She probably had a chance to claim worksite harassment in the past but now there is email proof she actively participated. Now the only person working there that is going to be getting boinked is your fiance.

Hurts man. Hurts less than making a family or putting years into a marriage and getting burned.

After this many pages perhaps this is unnecessary, but I believe she is the victim here. She has been pursued by a person of higher rank that holds the strings to her promotion eligibility, etc. This is highly illegal. It always has been, but in today's environment it is even more so. If she were to compile the evidence and visit HR he would be in a heap of trouble and might be fired. That she responded to him is natural under the circumstances. Perhaps she should have gone ballistic at the first sense of this, but he "Groomed" her just like a predator grooms a child. He didn't just start being a jerk, he made her a "friend" first so it would be ore difficult for her to fight back.

Then here you come along and all you can think about is her "cheating" on you with words. Who's the jerk now? You're being judgmental. You ought to be helping her through this so that she can extricate herself from this situation the best way possible. If you can't help her and instead stay obsessed with her "cheating" when she never touched the guy, then you don't deserve her.