Is it cheating?

originally posted by: Assassin82
She claims that because of his high rank, she couldn't turn him in for harassment, she couldn't ask him to stop, and she didn't know what else to do but play along in his fantasy. But she also doesn't deny that she didn't mind the attention from the boss.


So...what do you guys think...is it cheating?

Your relationship is in big trouble, because of the fact she doesn't mind the attention, in this particular situation. Doesn't seem like she has defined boundaries.

The fact she has not drawn the line with men hitting on her, be they bosses or not, then I see it as a major future problem.

If a woman truly loves you she will not play these games, or risk losing the relationship.

originally posted by: Assassin82

The email was part of a "homework assignment" he gave her. It included a link to a pornsite with a video of a Boss/Secretary scenario. It was personal. It was done with intent. I consider it cheating.

Yes, it was to find a video and send it to him...specifically a "boss to secretary" porn video and send it to him. My guess was the intent was so he could get the full enjoyment out of it.
Did she do her "homework assignment"?

Her homework assignment was to find the video and send it to him...which she did.

If push comes to shove a very bad move on his part. Although legitimate

to set tasks to find *something* bringing *porn* into a work envioroment is a total

no no,

In any inquiry she was only following his instructions.

a reply to: Realtruth

If a woman truly loves you she will not play these games, or risk losing the relationship.

And if a man truly loves a woman he will not try to catch her in a lie or assume there is a reason to be suspicious.

Takes two. It takes two hearts.

a reply to: Assassin82

Hey Assassin82: Just asking for some further clarification, because I'm not sure I understood when I first responded to you. This:

So I wasn't prying of snooping. I was searching for an email we sent to a vendor when I found an email she sent to her boss.

The email was part of a "homework assignment" he gave her. It included a link to a pornsite with a video of a Boss/Secretary scenario. It was personal. It was done with intent. I consider it cheating.

It's unclear to me in your explanation there who sent what to whom, as you then state the email was part of a "homework assignment" he gave her. So, he sent her an email "homework assignment," and her reply email was what contained the porn scenario link?

I'd still probably stand by most of my first reply, but if she is, indeed, the one who sent the porno, you definitely gotta get some better answers for what's up. Good luck.
tetra

ETA: Ok. I just read your further explanations quoted above in another poster's response, who had a similar viewpoint as mine. WTF is her boss giving her "homework assignments" to find porn for him anyway??? IF she is not having a sexual affair with this man, she should report him to his supervisor for sexual harassment. In a way, I feel it's a responsibility so he can't keep treating women in his workplace in this way....

Without knowing your woman, i'd still point out that it's a tough road for a subordinate woman in that kind of workplace situation, and frankly it's perfectly human for people to enjoy some sense of power that sexual attraction imparts. But how you act on it, and in this other poster's words, where your line in the sand is, is a whole other matter, and the crux of what you're dealing with. Sounds like she's been fairly honest with you, but low self esteem doesn't entirely cut it for me as why she went along, either. So, I guess I'm back on the fence again. Wish I could be more helpful. I love seeing people happy and in love, and surviving in healthy relationships. It reaffirms my faith in life. All I can say is if you love her, maybe it wouldn't hurt for the two of you to go to some counseling sessions together...
tetra

Here's how fraternization is interpreted in another U.S. Government department:

static.e-publishing.af.mil...

Pretty cut & dry.

originally posted by: Assassin82
Top of the evening ATS,

I come to you with a dilemma I have found myself in. I don't like to discuss personal matters with direct friends and family because I don't like to air the dirty laundry unless I personally need help with something.

In this case, I don't really need any help. I just want to hear what others think. So, here's the rundown.

Earlier this week, I discovered that my fiancé was having an affair of sorts. We both openly share our laptops and tablets. I hide nothing from her and she hides nothing from me. We even share an email acct that's found on all our devices. So I wasn't prying of snooping. I was searching for an email we sent to a vendor when I found an email she sent to her boss.

The email was part of a "homework assignment" he gave her. It included a link to a pornsite with a video of a Boss/Secretary scenario. It was personal. It was done with intent. I consider it cheating.

Here's where it gets tricky. They both work for a certain 3 letter agency that's notorious for dealing emails. He's relatively high up in this location. She's still very new. She said that he has said inappropriate comments to her for as long as she's worked there but she never paid it much attention. Occasionally, she says, she would flirt back with him to get him off her back. I consider that enabling the situation. She claims that because of his high rank, she couldn't turn him in for harassment, she couldn't ask him to stop, and she didn't know what else to do but play along in his fantasy. But she also doesn't deny that she didn't mind the attention from the boss.

She denies there ever being any physical contact. I'm inclined to believe her because outside of work we practically spend every minute together to include living together. She says she's not unhappy in any aspect of our relationship, she still loves me and would be devastated if her actions ruined our relationship.

I was irate when I discovered it. I have no tolerance for cheating. But I kind of feel like it's in a grey area of sorts. I have no doubt that he has applied enough pressure over time to lure her into it. I know that her lack of self confidence allows for a sense of vulnerability.

For perspective, since I confronted her she's denied nothing and didn't lie when I purposely tried to catch her in a lie. Also, she's taking all the right steps (so far) to fix it...even going so far as getting a life coach to help with her self esteem issues.

So...what do you guys think...is it cheating?

She sent the email? Yes it's cheating, if not to the letter it's just as bad. I'd dump her shady ass in a New York minute. She wants her boss to rail her, plain as day.

My sister is in the Intelligence community as well. She's merely an analyst. But, her ABC boss fired her after an affair attempt she spurned.

Jerks in power do this all the time...

Is it cheating? It's up to you.

For me, when I caught emails while snooping, the answer was quickly yes.

originally posted by: Realtruth

originally posted by: Assassin82
She claims that because of his high rank, she couldn't turn him in for harassment, she couldn't ask him to stop, and she didn't know what else to do but play along in his fantasy. But she also doesn't deny that she didn't mind the attention from the boss.


So...what do you guys think...is it cheating?

Your relationship is in big trouble, because of the fact she doesn't mind the attention, in this particular situation. Doesn't seem like she has defined boundaries.

The fact she has not drawn the line with men hitting on her, be they bosses or not, then I see it as a major future problem.

If a woman truly loves you she will not play these games, or risk losing the relationship.

The last you said, here, is what interests me, in replying. I don't think it's that simple, really. If you try to report such behavior, often, in a subordinate, junior position, in the corporation hierarchy, and especiallly being a dispensable woman and secretary, it usually backfires on you. So it's not all that simple, is it?

I'm not in favor of anyone cheating on their spouse, but things aren't so black and white, really, with women seeking ambitiouis achievement and goals in a workplaces that are still largely male ruled. There are many factors involved there, and that's just the tip of that particular iceberg.

If you're a young woman, just learning how to handle your own sexuality and the power it can represent, and also hold you hostage to (as you're worth as an employee and a human is largely based in how you LOOK, not who you are, how well you think or do your job), what are your atttendant choices?

How many times have you, personally, removed someone's hand from some part of your body? I'm not trying to be hostile or start an argument, I'm just representing the pov that it's not all that simple out there for young attractive women in the workplace, and never has been.

Further, people frequently cheat in long term relationships. The Kinsey report and many other such reports established this fact a long time ago. Maybe we weren't even built for monogamy. That's a whole other thread. Loving, truly, however, I think, means forgiving, as well. Not if it's a constant taking advantage of you over your ability to forgive and move on, but it's alll a learning curve when we're young.....

There's plenty of gray area there, I think. And I stand by what I advised earlier: if he truly loves her, no matter what's occurred, go get some counseling together. That displays true committment and willingness to be honest and seek solutions, for the survival of the relationship with the one you love......no matter what may have occurred.
regards,
tetra

I guess the main question would be, how did she reply to the email, and how did you not see the email when he sent it?

Was it from before you were together ?



If she never replied to the email you could put him in a situation where he feels extremely awkward and basically kisses her ass and promotes her in an effort to save face.

Just reply to the email saying this:

"Ok homework done, that video was hot as hell but I hope you never bang my Fiance like that!!

-your name here "



.

By the way, in these type of situations I am rarely on the woman's side, but I honestly feel she did nothing wrong.

In fact I would say she's a definite keeper if she has strong career aspirations and doesn't let some douchey boss's advances bother her. More power to her! Play that douchebag like a fckin violin.

If he thinks his behavior is fair play, then ok, game on to exploit the opportunity. I admire one turning the tables on an opportunist to become the opportunist themselves.

The boss gave her a "homework assignment" that included sending him porn. I cannot wrap my head around that. I think the boss was trying to set her up. He was a moron asking her, knowing it could all be traced. The boss either trusts her unreasonably, or had other plans in mind.

Since she did not hide it, I would hang in there and see how it plays out.

Best of luck.

a reply to: Assassin82

He admitted it was an assignment HE gave. Maybe he is unafraid of getting caught? This whole mess can be traced back to him.

So for perspective since some are rightfully questioning my character in all this;

I'm a 35 year old active duty TSgt in the Air Force. I've got 14 years in, and soon I will cross over to the reserves so I can go to school time to finish my degree in Sports Marketing. My number 1 priority in life is my 11 year old son and making sure he is always taken care of and given every chance to learn and succeed in this world with a free mind. Never been in trouble with the law, only been in 2 fights...both self-defense. I drink maybe 2-3 times per month. No tobacco, no drugs. I eat healthy and I keep fitness a priority. I've never been accused of having an anger problem and I've never been told I'm overjealous. Obviously I could go on and on but I want to make note that I take my presence in this world seriously and I try to make a good impression or contribution everywhere I go. Coming from me, so take it as you see fit.

Anyway, I appreciate all your input...I never expected such a response. As I've said...I still have a lot to figure out, some soul searching and fact digging to keep me busy.

I see majority consider unforgivable cheating with a strong showing of people who don't consider it cheating. All I hoped for was to hear other opinions to see how it correlated with my own, and that's exactly what you all gave me. Thank you!!

Keeping this matter private within my own circle of friends and family constricted my ability to voice my concerns to anyone else. I asked ATS for some guidance, and ATS delivered.

Going forward I can only hope for the best outcome possible regardless of what way this whole thing plays out. But I have no doubt that I'll be looking back to some of the thoughtful responses provided here to help me out.

Thanks again!

sorry to say you are being played big time. if this woman sincerely loved you, she would have told you as soon as he sent that "assignment" email. That's the biggest red flag here, I caught my ex in a lie JUST like this, regarding a convo log that i had found and well yeah there's nothing more to do it.

It's emotional cheating, and that is pretty much in course with physical cheating. intentions and thoughts are the creation of physical actions are they not? all i got to say is that shes willing to keep a job and be sexually harassed, rather than file a complaint regardless of his job position or openly tell you how much its effecting her so called "self esteem" issues and try to look for another job in the process of all of this?

it's extremely fishy. also stringing someone along will just make for bigger impact later on. personally i think more has happened than what you have been told/seen. i hate to be pessimistic but i can say from personal experience that its better to get out now than even try putting more effort on your part

The key point here is that you found an e-mail that SHE SENT HIM with a porn link... I'm sorry my friend, but it seems like you are trying very hard to make excuses for her. How do you know you can even believe her story of harrassment by her boss? If she really felt harassed why would she be the one SENDING HIM A PORN LINK?? If I were to receive an e-mail with a porn link of a boss/secretary from someone who worked for me, I would interpret that as them letting me know they would like to fulfill that fantasy. How could that be interpreted in any other way? I'm very surprised at the responses you have received so far... To me this is a huge red flag... I think you are making excuses for her and are going in denial mode.. As someone who has been through something very similar when I discovered an ex sexting to someone... I knew I would never be able to trust her... Especially being that she was sexting with someone else while giving me the impression that she was head over heals in love with me... That's disturbing and a major huge red flag! Good luck my friend.. But if I was one of your buddies and you told me this.. I'd say she definitely is a cheater. Unless there truly is more to the story, there is no excuse for her taking the step of sending her boss a porn link.. You are being played.

a reply to: Assassin82

a reply to: Assassin82

So...what do you guys think...is it cheating?

Duh!

But on a side note, by all that you wrote it just looks like she is just likely climbing that corporate ladder. Once she gets higher, by then I am quite sure that even you to, will be informed of all the other side notes, oh and you will also get a memo.

originally posted by: Op3nM1nd3d
a reply to: Hecate666

So going into submission is a way to go for you? Sorry but I`d rather lose my job than my decency, no matter the job. Moreover, it tells more about you in the eyes of your boss than you may think. This is how respect is earned, not the other way around.

OP, trust your girlfriend, expose the boss for who is is and ignore those on here that seem to not know any decent women and believe we are all nasty cheaters. We are not, but young women do make mistakes. From which they will learn.

That`s the problem isn`t it? You always think it`s just a mistake and that you can move on like nothing happened. Thing is that you only learn, Big IF, when something wonderful that you had is over and it hurts bad. But if nothing changes, you`ll always take the advantage of it.

P.S. Don`t take it personally, I just had to address it this way

First of all, this isn't what I would do but I was once young and very foolish too. I did things that are now unthinkable. Yes it would be nice if all young people could have the wisdom and dignity of samurais or knight or whatever you think of, but real life isn't like that.
Of course it would have been 'better' if she did this and that, but come on, nobody is perfect.

We grow wisdom through experience, no child is born noble and wise.

This girl ain't cheating and has learned a life lesson, hopefully it will help make her a wiser person.

I feel your pain, similar thing happened to my wife.

Had some creep making all kinds of inappropriate comments to her, sent her weird texts, etc, and when she complained they tried to put it down to him being socially inept and a bit of a sad case.

He promised not to do it again, but then did it even more but in a more sneaky and disturbing way.

In the end she couldn't face going back and left, but he's still there, they made out he was just having a "schoolboy crush" and he'd been "told off". A grown man in his 30's.

So she lost her job he got no punishment whatsoever - and this is a college full of young female students.

At some point in the distant future he'll get his come-uppance I'm sure, if you see what I mean.

a reply to: Assassin82

To offer any kind of help in regards to this. Sounds like something must be done about the boss, just because he is in a high position means nothing. This is abuse verbally and mentally in the workplace, this is not ok. If she knows that he does this on purpose and she rejects the idea then you have proof the email originating from his email address or one connected to him and two a victim your girlfriend. To hide away from this, it will not stop. She will receive another invitation at some point and she will feel more and more secluded and stuck with his advances. Now you know about it, she could find it harder and harder to tell you about anything new that occurs.

People go to work, to work. Not to be mentally assaulted.

a reply to: tetra50

Why does it always have to be so complicated? It can be like MamaJ said. She would make a plan TOGETHER with her fiance what to do next. It shows respect and devotion and it is a way to go if you truly love your partner. Being honest about it, no matter what happened, and determined to go through as a couple, not individual, is a first step to build a healthy relationship.

Only thing that come to my mind about not telling your partner something of this magnitude is if you don`t completely trust him or have your own agenda that includes pleasure on your part.

Being successful in business doesn`t have anything to do with being obedient and submissive. Especially in hierarhic structure. It`s always about whether or not they can own you. If they can, you are but a slut and a slave. If they want but they can`t, they`ll set up more obstacles which will sooner or later get you either fired or promoted. If you break, they win, if you don`t, they win again as they have just recruited someone with potential to become equal. The only way to beat them from the bottom is to file a resignation upon promotion. That should hurt, at least for a day