My Top 10 News Headlines - What are yours?

ATS, what headlines would you like to wake up to? Here we go:

10) "New Evidence of 9/11 Explosives Confirmed!"
9) "Female Sociopath Rate verified at 98%"
8) "Near-Death Experience Filmed with Neuro-tech!"
7) "Warp Engine Test Successful!"
6) "Pink Floyd Reunion Confirmed!"
5) "Science Proves Broken Hearts Mend"
4) "Clinton Foundation Corruption Exposed - Hillary Indicted!"
3) "The Next President of the USA is Jesse Ventura!" (Just Kidding)
2) "Governments Reveal Knowledge of Alien Presence Since 1947!"
1) "Jesus Returns, God Accompanies"

Please chime in...

a reply to: InTheFlesh1980


10, Weebles wobble and they DO fall down!
9, Whipped cream reverses balding.
8, Binge watching Netflix is good for you.
7, New beer makes you skinny.
6, Wombles found at Wimbledon Common.
5, The moon is made from butter.
4, New study finds that the Earth is really a pyramid shape.
3, Smoking cures all cancers.
2, Freemasons are messengers from all gods that have ever existed.

And most importantly......

1, Bacon is the healthiest food on Earth!

originally posted by: TerryDon79
And most importantly......

1, Bacon is the healthiest food on Earth!

Not too far-fetched, as it seems:

Top 10 Reasons Bacon is Healthy for You

Bacon’s Brain Building Business: Bacon is chock full of a very important nutrient called “choline,” which helps increase our intelligence and memory, from conception to Senior Status, and has been shown in University studies to help fight off the debilitating effects of Alzheimer’s Disease and other chronic mental impairments.

a reply to: InTheFlesh1980

You have just made my day!

Time for a bacon sarnie

Meteor Strikes D.C during joint session on the Hill! No Survivors! Chairman of the Joint Chiefs acting President!

1. Hoffa Found ... and He's NOT Dead!
2. Millions Disappear Overnight! God? or Aliens! (hopefully not here for this one)
3. Cubs Win the World Series ...
4. OMG, They Really Did It! WWIII Incoming ...
5. Yellowstone BLOWS
6. Australia Announces First Contact
7. India and Pakistan Nuke Exchange
8. New Madrid Let's Go; Mississippi Runs Backward
9. Starving Venezuelans Resort to Cannibalism
10. Russia Clones Woolly Mammoth

a reply to: TerryDon79

You got a link for that whipped cream thing? Uh ... it's for a friend.

Okay, here's my idealistic pipe dream lol. (Note I fully conceded that's what it is. )

1) Recognizing - thanks to the intervention and strong advocacy by scientists and mathematicians - that, statistically, it is inevitable that a miscalculation or systems failure will eventually lead to nuclear annihilation - even if it takes a hundred years or more - world leaders agree unconditionally to immediately stand their nuclear armaments down and begin the process of total nuclear disarmament.

2) New technologies lead to sufficiently decreased resource scarcity that world leaders can begin to realistically think about eliminating poverty and lack of sanitation, as well as rendering a baseline of medical care ubiquitous the world over.

3) Russia and NATO members hold multilateral talks aimed at securing long term peace and prosperity for both. Optimism reigns for the first time in decades. Other global flashpoints now considered possible to untangle as well, as world sees new wave of hope for genuine peace and reconciliation.

4) (Years after the above three.) With international tensions at an all time low due to increased equity of basic human standards of living - although disparity remains - world leaders move forward aggressively on peace and trade pacts which respect the individual sovereignty and culture of every state, yet drastically increase the probability that future armed conflict can be avoided. Special emphasis and renewed urgency and optimism for this process in Africa, the Middle East and Central & Southeast Asia.

5) Global initiative to eliminate hopelessness in regions previously identified as hotbeds of radicalism. Wherever radicalization and factional loyalty appear to be the only viable option for a sense hope or purpose, new aggressive efforts to provide real alternatives are to be instituted, through local indigenous authorities and community members, as opposed to foreign interlopers who might be seen as attempting to disrupt or transform local culture. Special emphasis on education and conflict resolution, and the fruits thereof.

6) Global and domestic economic growth quickens, and national debt falls and job availability soars.

7) As fear, hopelessness, and resentment fall, the necessity and sense of entrenched polarity in politics begins to give way the world over. Greater plurality emerges, and even in the U.S. viable third, fourth, and fifth party candidates gain real traction. Formerly unassailable two party stalwarts throughout the world, including in the U.S., begin to be indicted for past crimes as the underlying structure of the two party system becomes increasingly unnecessary for systemic stability.

8) AGW proponents and skeptics begin to find compromise positions that allow both the preservation of domestic autonomy and prosperity, as well as real methods to curb AGW and pollution, regardless of how each side feels about the reality or magnitude of the problem. Both agree to take a "just in case" stance, and find ways to respect one another's concerns and fears.

9) Technologies developed following the landmark compromises reached regarding AGW the world over produce unexpected and emergent tech fruit which further improves the quality of life and health of people everywhere.

10) Philosophers, theologians, scientists, sociologists, physicians, and historians the world over agree that - to varying degrees - humanity has entered something of a golden age, with poverty, scarcity, conflict, and disease all falling to unprecedented levels, with sustainability rising exponentially.

10. "New Study Suggests That Pizza Is Actually Good For You"
9. "Here Is How You Can Get Paid To Watch NetFlix"
8. "Niantic Increases Gameplay Experience For Pokemon Trainers In Rural Locations"
7. "Study Shows That Pineapple Juice is Great For Hair Removal"
6. "New Pill Prevents You From Fugging Up Your Life"
5. "New App Warns You Before You Get Embarrassingly Drunk"
4. "Government Admits That Aliens Are Time Travelers From The Future"
3. "Turns Out We Don't Need Bees! Genocide Has Begun"
2. "Xanax Can Now Be Purchased Over The Counter"
1. "World Hunger Comes To An End"

originally posted by: kilig

2. "Xanax Can Now Be Purchased Over The Counter"

Oh, yes please!

Peace.