Always a death to be born from

Tired, so tired. I have been here before. Broken and lost. No words, no thoughts of my own. Just slowing down like grinding metal.

This is when something takes over. The inner self I have no wish to control, even if I had the strength to.

It never fails me. It saves me. It keeps me.

It is neither good nor bad. It is both blindly loyal and heartlessly indifferent.

I crawl to it like my life depended on it. Reach for it far from within the dark. I never reach it, but it does reach me.

A hand pierces my anguish and grabs my own with gentle strength. It does not hurt. It feels warm...but is cold to my touch.

I rise slowly as it lifts me to its chest. Pressing me closely and embracing me. Its like a mother, yet I am like a bridesgroom and a child to it.

I am always so in love when it saves me. When it breaks the layers of pain and heaped upon torment.

Its beautiful, powerful, and loving. I only see it when I am ugly, weak and filled with rage.

I am always broken, always shattered and lost, but it always finds all of me worth saving.

I could cry thinking about it. I am often alone without it. Few in this world reach me like this non-thing does. This figment of my imagination.

A power like a talent I summon when all I am is absent, an instinct triggered by the fear I hate.

I always return to the abyss it saves me from. I run into the void cursing and flailing against it. I am ready to die each time, and I do in a way. Not all of me survives. I lose something in the emptiness everytime that I never get back.

This saving grace always fills my emptied heart and soul with something of...hers.

Pours light into my core and ignites my passions, my souls righteous flame.

Its always this way, and this is how and why I love. I hate the fear....and so does...she.

I will always face it, die and be reborn. It is our way. It is how I can live, the only way.

I must fight and die or just die.

The death saves me. It is harder each time, but I am stronger before and weaker after in greater measure. In geater measure do I hate it. In greater measure do I love when restored.

I know not where this ends or even if it does.

I only see the cycle and it encourages me to continue....to be.

a reply to: tadaman

It was a very intense read.

Perhaps an addiction (not drugs) was not your intent but that is what is relatable to me so
thank you for expressing yourself so deeply.

a reply to: TNMockingbird

Yeah its like an addiction. Not drugs, I am near straight edge.

I am glad you liked it. It felt good to get out.

a reply to: tadaman


Does'nt feel like a very healthy compulsion



SOMEBODY comes across as a little mass
A kiss stick.

a reply to: Mousygretchen



Yes, its self destructive, and constructive.

We all have our issues.

a reply to: tadaman

I don't have any pithy words of redemption. Your words are powerful and I read them over several times, as they resonated to me with times in my past.

You always have within yourself the sand to stand up One. More. Time. I did that, and once it took. I hope the same for you.

Thank you much for sharing your insight. I could put your words to music, it's that good.

a reply to: argentus

Thanks man. We all get there I guess, one way or the other. I hope it sticks too. lol

One more time it is.....

Have a good one.
Hold it down.

a reply to: tadaman

I am committed to holding it down.............. except when I'm not.

You are building yourself. It takes time and effort. #. That was pithy. I was committed to not do that.

Selah. (so it goes).

The plus side here . . . is that you could get filthy rich writing a book of your issues in poetry format.

You simply have a way with words to put down your internal struggles that is confounding.

a reply to: JDeLattre89

Holy wow. blown away. Really.

Thanks man /maam.

I've read some of your other threads- and they stood out because you seem to share some commonalities with my other half. And here I read what I think he'd say, if he were more open and poetic.

Obviously, I don't know what your struggle is. But it speaks to me and the struggle I face every day with my husband.

a reply to: chelsdh

If it was useful towards understanding him, then I am thrilled. That is satisfying.

Have a good one.
Hold it down.

Beautiful.

Thank you.

Fishy

a reply to: tadaman

Awesome