Attempting Contact With My Biological Father

a reply to: justmeonly

I get where you are coming from. I am a little leery at this point even posting this, because these folks are pretty damn hostile, but this is an ostensibly anonymous forum, and I'm already in it up to my neck, so...

My husband spoke with this genetic close relative (who is willing to speak to me), yesterday. So please forgive me if this is a little overwrought and neurotic. She said that her sister that I had initially contacted thinks I am a scammer and that her brother that I had sent the letter to is "aware of the situation". Sometimes it's easier to demonize a person than to take accountability I guess.

I get that people need to be wary, but I would think there comes a point where they need to consider that maybe I'm not just trying to scam them when there is evidence, that would stand up in a court of law, that I am actually closely related to them. My husband asked her if she would be willing to take another DNA test that can more definitively pin point how we are related, at our expense, and she demurred. I'm not sure how I am supposed to tamper with DNA results but apparently I am a criminal mastermind. Or... they already know full well what those results will say, and they are... I dunno... trying to feel me out here...? It's just so weird. If they are that sure that I am not actually (in spite of at least some DNA evidence) a close relative than why not take the DNA test to rule it out for sure?

In spite of the match on Ancestry she is maintaining denial and will not acknowledge what that may mean. She says that her brother would have had to have cheated on his wife in order to be my biological father, and that her other brother did not have proximity. Since her brother would NEVER have cheated on his wife, I simply cannot be that closely related in her mind. Or so she says.

She wants me to call her and talk. I'm wary of a trap where I get emotionally ambushed frankly. My husband thinks she doubts I exist at all; which is weird, because her sister talked to me. She won't have time to talk for a month or so though. All I can do is give them time to process, and try not to assume the worst, which I am clearly failing at; but the tone at this point is pretty darned assumptive, defensive and accusatory and I'm getting tired of getting crapped on and accused of nefarious intent when I haven't done anything wrong. I can tell you one thing, no matter how this goes down, sister # 1 is a no contact scenario. These strike me as people who will go on the attack if they feel threatened, so I am wary myself at this point.

Personally, I have the impression that there is A LOT going on under the surface here, and maybe they know, or at least some of them know there is something to this and they have something to hide. The more I watch them overreact and lash out the more I think maybe my mother might be telling the truth on this one.

My husband told them my mother's name, where she went to college (which was information they already had), approximately when I was conceived, where he worked and that they can feel free to peruse our Facebook profiles. I'm not so sure that was a good idea. My husband thinks this wasn't a total disaster and in fact, was a decent beginning for laying a foundation for future conversations, but it doesn't sound that way to me. It sounds like this just might blow up in my face. I don't think that these are nice, or even, reasonable people.

originally posted by: redhorse
My husband spoke with this genetic close relative (who is willing to speak to me), yesterday. So please forgive me if this is a little overwrought and neurotic. She said that her sister that I had initially contacted thinks I am a scammer and that her brother that I had sent the letter to is "aware of the situation". Sometimes it's easier to demonize a person than to take accountability I guess.

^^^^^ I bet he is ^^^^^ and hiding behind his sisters skirt, while

saintly reputation is going to be ripped to shreds when the truth comes out.

In spite of the match on Ancestry she is maintaining denial and will not acknowledge what that may mean. She says that her brother would have had to have cheated on his wife in order to be my biological father, and that her other brother did not have proximity. Since her brother would NEVER have cheated on his wife, I simply cannot be that closely related in her mind. Or so she says.

Sounds more like his mother than his sister ....

How can she possibly know that??

Personally, I have the impression that there is A LOT going on under the surface here, and maybe they know, or at least some of them know there is something to this and they have something to hide. The more I watch them overreact and lash out the more I think maybe my mother might be telling the truth on this one.

Of course they know, but admitting it means their *perfect* brother is not Mr. perfect

after all

originally posted by: eletheia

originally posted by: redhorse
My husband spoke with this genetic close relative (who is willing to speak to me), yesterday. So please forgive me if this is a little overwrought and neurotic. She said that her sister that I had initially contacted thinks I am a scammer and that her brother that I had sent the letter to is "aware of the situation". Sometimes it's easier to demonize a person than to take accountability I guess.

^^^^^ I bet he is ^^^^^ and hiding behind his sisters skirt, while

saintly reputation is going to be ripped to shreds when the truth comes out.

In spite of the match on Ancestry she is maintaining denial and will not acknowledge what that may mean. She says that her brother would have had to have cheated on his wife in order to be my biological father, and that her other brother did not have proximity. Since her brother would NEVER have cheated on his wife, I simply cannot be that closely related in her mind. Or so she says.

Sounds more like his mother than his sister ....

How can she possibly know that??

Personally, I have the impression that there is A LOT going on under the surface here, and maybe they know, or at least some of them know there is something to this and they have something to hide. The more I watch them overreact and lash out the more I think maybe my mother might be telling the truth on this one.

Of course they know, but admitting it means their *perfect* brother is not Mr. perfect

after all

I must admit that there is a significant part of me that shares your mirth at this point. I mean, what a way to get called out. I. Am. Karma. *flex*

However, as my mother has made the accusation that my conception was the result of a rape, if that is true, they may have a great deal to hide. Further, they may not be nice people at all. I need to protect myself too.

I understand that from their perspective I have appeared out of nowhere and it is quite a shock, but they have instantly gone from simply confused and defensive all the way to accusatory. It's one thing to state "We are afraid you are a scammer" and another thing to treat me as if I am one. I am supposed to give them the benefit of the doubt while I am being run through the ringer here. It's starting to piss me off.

a reply to: redhorse

Facts are facts. Whatever happened before you were conceived....well, it was BEFORE. You have a human right to know your origins. Their issues did not come about because you have questions. They have problems that pre-date you, but that doesn't, in any way, change the fact that you have a right to know where you came from.

originally posted by: redhorse
However, as my mother has made the accusation that my conception was the result of a rape, if that is true, they may have a great deal to hide.

That may well be true! Times have changed a lot.... in the past it was assumed

that a person could not be raped by someone they knew, but now it is documented

that most rapes happen with someone known to the victim, unless beaten up it was

assumed the 'victim' "had asked for it." Today if someone is coerced into sex it is

rape.

*He* may be afraid that in today's way of looking at things it will come out to his

disadvantage? Also he will be admitting to adultery? either way he is not going to

come out of it exactly unblemished!! more so if they are religious!


Taking things a bit further.... His 'sister' is over protective which makes me wonder,

right up to the 1970's illigitimate children of females were often absorbed into

families as siblings. (I personally know of three cases of that happening... indeed

the author Cathrine Cookson was also one.) ..... Sooo maybe his sister is really

his mother? Its a thought? ...As I said things have changed a lot.

Further, they may not be nice people at all. I need to protect myself too.

I am assuming you are only after confirmation of his status to you, and not some

sort of relationship?

I think the relationship bit may be the sticking point?

I understand that from their perspective I have appeared out of nowhere and it is quite a shock, but they have instantly gone from simply confused and defensive all the way to accusatory. It's one thing to state "We are afraid you are a scammer" and another thing to treat me as if I am one. I am supposed to give them the benefit of the doubt while I am being run through the ringer here. It's starting to piss me off.

Not quite out of nowhere, someone(s) thought they were home and dry ... but

Karma has a way of biting when least expected

originally posted by: eletheia

originally posted by: redhorse
However, as my mother has made the accusation that my conception was the result of a rape, if that is true, they may have a great deal to hide.

That may well be true! Times have changed a lot.... in the past it was assumed

that a person could not be raped by someone they knew, but now it is documented

that most rapes happen with someone known to the victim, unless beaten up it was

assumed the 'victim' "had asked for it." Today if someone is coerced into sex it is

rape.

*He* may be afraid that in today's way of looking at things it will come out to his

disadvantage? Also he will be admitting to adultery? either way he is not going to

come out of it exactly unblemished!! more so if they are religious!


Taking things a bit further.... His 'sister' is over protective which makes me wonder,

right up to the 1970's illigitimate children of females were often absorbed into

families as siblings. (I personally know of three cases of that happening... indeed

the author Cathrine Cookson was also one.) ..... Sooo maybe his sister is really

his mother? Its a thought? ...As I said things have changed a lot.

Further, they may not be nice people at all. I need to protect myself too.

I am assuming you are only after confirmation of his status to you, and not some

sort of relationship?

I think the relationship bit may be the sticking point?

Honestly my mom is a pathological liar and has a tenuous grip on reality, and I mean, across the board, not just with this. Her story was originally that she had flings and couldn't remember and then she decided a gang rape was what happened. This may or may not be true. It wasn't her original story when caught out and backed into a corner with the DNA evidence. So, it's hard to say.

I have a dad, and another informal foster dad. I have good, trustworthy male role models, so I'm not invested in a relationship. I would like to solidify the specifics though. I want to know where I came from and be able to tell my kids and grandkids their lineage. She's already told me pretty much what I need to know as far as medical history, which was nice of her.

I will say, I did NOT fit in. In a family of business men and women and teachers, I was a naturalist/artist who was obsessed with horses and it would be nice to find where some of these behavioral tendencies that seemed so ingrained and so very, different from those around me came from. Is this inherited? Or am I just anomalous? But honestly, I can let that go if the only way I can find out is to cultivate a relationship. I'm just not really prepared to do that, especially with this circumstance as charged as it is and with all of the defensiveness and weirdness; and honestly, this is probably where everyone is on the same page. I sure don't like being attacked though.

a reply to: redhorse

I'm personally very leery of readily giving some 3rd party company a reference sample of my DNA, but if it has helped to at least give you a good indicator that you were on the right path, I'm happy to hear it.

a reply to: redhorse

I'm in the same boat with wanting to at least have 1 conversation with my own father. I had a good father figure growing up. I just want to speak to him and ask a few important questions. Like any family medical concerns, etc.
(Well, and to have him, at least that once, acknowledge my existence. My one selfish wish there.)

originally posted by: pfishy
a reply to: redhorse

I'm personally very leery of readily giving some 3rd party company a reference sample of my DNA, but if it has helped to at least give you a good indicator that you were on the right path, I'm happy to hear it.

I hear you. I do. I made a conscious decision regarding the risk vs. my curiosity, and curiosity won hands down in this case. I completely understand why you would be nervous about doing that though.

I just wanted to give an update for those following the situation.

This lady that is a close relative, I'll call her Judy (not her real name), seems to genuinely want to help. At this point I think that she has come to grips with the fact that we are closely related and is just trying to sort out whether she is my sister or my aunt. By centimorgan count I am more related to her than I am to my known half sister (who has also taken a DNA test). We are so related that Judy is in the full sibling range. It's rather odd. I'm 99.99% sure that my mom is my mom, and my mom is at least ten years younger than this lady.

Judy has been asking me questions and seems genuinely happy to have found a new family member at this point. She says it is a big family and there is always room for one more; which I thought was incredibly kind of her to say. I am concerned that she is walking into more than she had anticipated however. If she is my half sister and not my aunt, then her (and I guess my) 50 year old father slept with my then 19 year old mother. If she is my aunt than one of her brothers may have cheated on his wife, and there is still the question of whether my mother consented or not. In short, this is potentially a # storm of the highest caliber. I suppose, I knew that was likely enough from the beginning though.

From their perspective, it is all probably quite a jolt. I'm not sure how this will play out. It may be quite a ride.

a reply to: redhorse

Best of luck, I hope the answers you get are peaceful.

a reply to: redhorse

Be yourself and who you want to be. life dealt you a bad hand but you are stronger than that. BE your own person. You parents are your genetic makeup. You make the best YOU that you can be. Good luck in your search too... hang on

So I wanted to give an update.

I have had contact with Judy, including two long phone conversations. It has finally come out that both of the brothers (one of whom is almost certainly my biological father) are quite wealthy and in the interest of protecting that wealth are highly unlikely to pursue anything that will definitively prove paternity. They are quite resistant to the whole notion according to Judy.

Oddly, she says they are good men and responsible for their actions and if they had known about me, they would have stepped up but now they won't touch the situation with a ten foot pole.

I will probably never know which one of them it is for sure. Disappointing, and to be honest, I feel like not only a dirty little secret, but a clichéd one at that, but at least I know more than I did and have gotten to know my aunt a little bit and more about my family history.

a reply to: redhorse

Hey, I know the situation isn't great and the current outcome isn't ideal - but you've met this Judy and you've done something good for her and hopefully you both can keep contact.

It's a really similar situation to the one I went through a decade or so ago. Judy sounds like she's a positive person, doesn't want to speak ill of anybody - it really is their loss if they don't want to know.

Keep doing what keeps you happy with the people that keep you happy.

a reply to: redhorse

Since you're an artistic person, may I suggest that you look at both men and compare your features to theirs? Perhaps there's some way to find a picture of each one to study...Facebook maybe? We can, I think, plainly see ourselves in the faces of both of our parents, but more so in one than the other. Strong features have a way of being passed on and on throughout generations of relatives. Throughout my life I've always enjoyed looking at shapes and features of people and their close relatives and pretty easily identify who's closest (or "belongs") to whom. I look at myself now and see so much more of my mother in me as I get older and attribute what's left over, so to speak, to the hit-and-run artist that's my "father".

I so hope that you will be able to get the answers you're looking for...dangling at the end of a rope not knowing if you're going to fall off your perch and strangle, or if someone's going to cut the rope and save you is a real pain in the butt!! Like you, I find it absolutely amazing that there are so many others in this situation...but at the same time I just see it as yet another foible of being human...giving over to that ingrained, hormonal (not necessarily recognized), need to keep the human race going!

P.S. Keep us all POSTED, cause this mystery is deepening and getting more and more interesting, Okay?!!

originally posted by: Rubicon3
a reply to: redhorse

Since you're an artistic person, may I suggest that you look at both men and compare your features to theirs? Perhaps there's some way to find a picture of each one to study...Facebook maybe? We can, I think, plainly see ourselves in the faces of both of our parents, but more so in one than the other. Strong features have a way of being passed on and on throughout generations of relatives. Throughout my life I've always enjoyed looking at shapes and features of people and their close relatives and pretty easily identify who's closest (or "belongs") to whom. I look at myself now and see so much more of my mother in me as I get older and attribute what's left over, so to speak, to the hit-and-run artist that's my "father".

I so hope that you will be able to get the answers you're looking for...dangling at the end of a rope not knowing if you're going to fall off your perch and strangle, or if someone's going to cut the rope and save you is a real pain in the butt!! Like you, I find it absolutely amazing that there are so many others in this situation...but at the same time I just see it as yet another foible of being human...giving over to that ingrained, hormonal (not necessarily recognized), need to keep the human race going!

P.S. Keep us all POSTED, cause this mystery is deepening and getting more and more interesting, Okay?!!

I will definitely keep you guys posted if anything else develops.

I had the same thought to do a comparative analysis of features so-to-speak, but I only have access to pictures of the younger brother and limited access at that.

He was the one who attended the same school as my mother. He was apparently a Big Time football star, so he is the most likely (at the moment). He is also the wealthiest of the two and the most... we'll just say, dismissive of the whole thing. Neither man will take a paternity test or even submit their DNA to one of the testing sites where I have mine. I'm not sure why my life seems to resemble a Dickens novel with a modern twist (ah ha ha), but yet, here we are.

My mother finally admitted that I could maybe, possibly not have been conceived by a gang rape but by a consensual fling, as her story changes yet again. She still claims no recollection of this person however, I have not mentioned to her how wealthy they are because she is certainly the type to sue, or try to at any rate.

Thank you, all of you for your support and interest. It does help a lot.