A Different Sort of Anniversary

I’ve mentioned a few times I am a cancer survivor. I made today an anniversary of sorts.

13 years ago today I underwent a bone marrow transplant. The day itself is when the blood stem cells were transplanted after several days of high-dose chemotherapy. I viewed it as sort of a rebirth.

I was my own donor.

They push the body to the brink of death and replenish it with the blood stem cells. This is a more poetic, if not scientific, description of the process..

This was no small thing. I was already near-death when diagnosed. Doctors had surmised I only had days, or even hours left. My kidneys were already in a state of failure.

It was about a 3 year fight. And the thought that kept me pushing onward was that one day things would be very different.

One day I will be happy, one day I will have friends, one day I will have family, and to know what it is to love and be loved.

The thought that kept me going was that someday I would no longer be alone.

Like Edmond Dantes trapped in his cell for 14 years, I have been trapped in isolation for just as long.

Unlike Edmond Dantes, there is no fortune awaiting me, there is no liberation, there is no redemption.

For years as a teenager, I spent time in hospital rooms for weeks, or even months at a time, purely alone, save from the visit of nurses every 4 hours.

I did not attend high school.

I have not a single friend. I have become estranged from family.

I have tried and tried. I was desperate to bring about the change I envisioned for myself.

Nothing has changed. Nothing is different. My soul is still stuck in a state of longing. I am in hell. I often entertain the question if I really did not survive as I feel so lost in an intangible purgatory.

Today is a day I lose hope. I keep trying to find purpose, to feel worth in my life. It’s just not there. A once bright soul dims today.

I lived through a long fight with cancer and health issues that followed me many years. But I did not survive.

There’s just no fire left in this.

This isn’t a suicide note—if that’s what you’re thinking. This is simply an admission of defeat. This is my concession to the cosmos—you screwed me, you win! I am broken and humbled.

For everyone who isn’t alone—treasure it—it’s not birthright. It is a gift of divine grace.

a reply to: NarcolepticBuddha

After fighting so long a battle, it is no surprise you’re exhausted and out of hope.

In our dealings with each other here, I have found you a decent and thoughtful person. I have no experience of your physical appearance and social behaviour, but unless they are way off the scale of what is thought ‘normal’ they cannot be insuperable obstacles to connecting with others.

Not having had a proper adolescence does make things hard, though, especially on the sexual-relations front.

Would it be possible for you to get a job where you are in frequent contact with a lot of other people (not necessarily strangers)?

That might help.

For everyone who isn’t alone—treasure it—it’s not birthright.

Seconded.

You have worth! You have your ATS family. You don't have to be alone. I too am a cancer survivor, but only for 5 years.
You have been through hell and back and I can imagine your emotional state through all of this.

What happened with your family? Why are you estranged? My heart broke when I read your story. Honey, hold on. You didn't go through all of that for nothing. You could have died, but you didn't. You are here and you never know what may lay ahead. You can still make friends, find love and have a family.

Today is a day I lose hope. I keep trying to find purpose, to feel worth in my life. It’s just not there. A once bright soul dims today.

"The setting of a great hope is like the setting of the sun.
The brightness of our life is gone.
Shadows of evening fall all around us, and the world seems but a dim reflection,
itself a broader shadow.
We look forward into the coming lonely night.
The soul withdraws into itself. Then stars arise and the night is holy."
_Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

There is always hope as long as you hold onto it. We can help you do that. We can be here for you.

Are there any clubs you can join to meet people that have things in common with you, Cancer survivor group, book club, something?

I give to you this dragon to help you find courage and strength.



This elf for wisdom.



And this one for peace.

I agree with Night Star; though time may be both a blessing and a curse, you still have it, and it is NO mistake nor accident that you are still here.

I have a friend who went through similar circumstances - no not the same, for no health setback can be - however the time removed from life as well as the areas of life affected were paramount in her situation too.

That said, my advice to her was to repeat daily, and most importantly BELIEVE that "anything can happen in a year". Well, she was extremely doubtful, as many would be, but we were close enough that she did take my words to heart.

Within one year -to the day- of believing anything possible, her life turned 180 degrees from where she was, in every way shape and form possible. It was so beautiful to see, such tangible proof that the universe listens. I know this can happen for you, and moreover I believe this will happen for you.

Even if the act of believing is nothing more than a placebo effect, that ends up actually working in the end, isn't it worth the effort?

Sending you much love, NarcolepticBuddha, and all the dearest blessings that life can bring.
Just remember to not only be ready to receive them, but to allow them into your life.
All that will to live that you had, already proves that you have it within your spirit to persevere until !





ETA: WOOHOO - those are BIG pics hey!
That's ok, perhaps some messages need to be expansive!

a reply to: NarcolepticBuddha

In the words of the late Jim Valvano......... "Don't give up. Don't ever give up."

a reply to: NarcolepticBuddha

I don't know if you remember me or if you would know me by my last incarnation, but we've talked about all kinds of stuff. We had some very deep conversations about metaphysics that somehow involved a deck of cards.. What are the Aces? and I went down some tangent about the Aces being both 1 and 13.. Basically the "NEO" card.. I think it involved tarot, the four elements.. Whatever. Me and you had a really cool conversation that time, and many many others.

I truly don't understand because I've talked to you a lot on the internet... I don't get why you wouldn't easily meet some people. Unless you just can't leave the house or something ?

I liked you right away. You're a cool person from my perspective.

You can atleast consider me the bad friend who doesn't write you enough haha.
I hope you do.
Friend.

I know exactly how you feel. My life has been very similar to yours, in regards to isolation and the agony of constant yearning which is never satisfied. I never had cancer, but I had my own issues in my youth: a severe inner ear infection which cost me much of my hearing and caused social isolation due to intense pain when in any noise, as well as crippling social anxiety due to abuse by a teacher and by peers. What got me through was the dream of becoming a successful artist, falling in love and marrying a beautiful woman and generally being happy. I have not known real happiness in life since my early childhood years, before the abuse started. My life has gotten better overall, I am a lot more confident, strong and capable in many respects these days, but this didn't just come about on its own. I am struggling through more B.S., but I have the tools to reshape my life now.

This didn't happen over night. I am in my late thirties now. At some point in my late twenties I began willing myself into social situations, whether I liked it or not. I chose less stressful situations, but it was still frightening to me. But the more I forced myself to do this, in baby steps, the more comfortable and confident I started to feel. It took time and effort, but I kept going. I talked more to co-workers, neighbors, relatives, I made friends and went to a party once in a while. I had to learn to shut up (to silence my mind, that is) and really focus on the person talking. People love to talk about themselves, so I learned to ask (and to care) and to listen to them. It must be genuine or they will see through it. Just by listening, people appreciate you better and in time you become a better listener and, in time, a better conversationalist. But in listening, you don't need to talk a lot

You make girlfriends by meeting people. Everyone knows women, and you meet women. Some you connect to better than others, and eventually you will find a girlfriend. It will just happen for you, easily. When this happens really depends, but it will. The hardest lesson you must learn is that the only one holding you back is you. You prevent yourself from engaging people more. You prevent yourself from talking more with them. Sure, you have your reasons. In my case it was that I hated B.S., I got bored by people's normal lives and pet peeves, ect. I was being selfish. Social interaction demands sacrifice. I was in such a state of want, of dire need, that I did not feel up to hearing out other people, or their comparatively insignificant problems. I was selfish and it hurt me not to get past it.

I made a good friend online and she encouraged me to open up more to people, to engage people more, to be more calm and cool when I was engaged, and to listen more to other people. It took focus and discipline, but I learned how to do it. I was afraid, uncomfortable and I did not like being hurt when, inevitably, my lack of social experience would embarrass me. The alternative was to hide away in a tiny space, under a rock, and let my soul slowly die. That was no option and I knew it. My choices were two different options of pain and difficulty, but ONE which offered results and one that offered nothing but more pain and despair. It was hard, but I pushed on. Some people can be jerks but others can be patient and forgiving, it surprised me actually

You may not see it this way, but you are so young yet! There is so much growth for you to do before you would reach my age. You could continue to avoid this, due to reasons, but you will only find yourself ten or twenty years older and in the same predicament. You can get a head start on lots of other lonely people out there by changing the course of your life now. Take it in baby steps and do not hold expectations on anyone or in any one social encounter. Start going places where you feel more comfortable and doing things which interest you. If you feel overwhelmed, leave. You can always go back and try it again. At times you may feel that it is too hard, but keep pushing through. You have to do what is best for you.

What made it work for me was will power. I wanted to get better and so I got better. I am still learning and growing in regards to social interaction, learning how and how not to trust people, but I have come a long way. Never underestimate the ordeals taken by confident people you meet and never underestimate yourself. All it takes is the will to grow, to push yourself in a new direction, and you will do it. You are worth it.

a reply to: NarcolepticBuddha

A touching post that registers deeply on many levels with my own experiences.

Life it seems is one existential crisis after the other, with gaps of illusionary happiness in between.

Personally, I feel like I am but an actor performing reluctantly in a movie that never ends.

If you've truly hit the bottom, then the only way is up.

You fought for what you have - your health - now you need to fight for that better life you wanted.

Take a breather, if you need to. Nothing says you have to fight 24/7.

But - don't undervalue what you have. You can breathe, right? You can move around? You can go places - the park, the museum, art gallery?

Just stop and think how much being able to do those things is worth. It's priceless.

Sure, it's nice to have friends but self-reliance and independence will get you through life.

Other people can always let you down - they often do - but you just ensure you never let yourself down. The bottom line is, you've learnt to be there for yourself. Not everyone can manage that.

a reply to: NarcolepticBuddha

You beat cancer. The only thing left to beat is you. A clearly formidable opponent.

I paraphrase from the Tao te Ching:

One who has mastery of others is powerful,
One who has mastery of himself is more powerful still.

You have beaten cancer and battled on. You can beat this weariness and overcome. Depression is a horrible downward spiral. I would recommend the Michael Lafarge version of Tao te Ching. I found it valuable, even two decades later I learn lessons from it.

You can do this. I believe you can and will.

I hope tomorrow is a better day.