My nightmare

Another night with barely any sleep, the nightmares always come unannounced, when they come back it sends me back there, i can see the old couch, hockey is on the tv, i see myself walking down the stairs, fearful of what will happen. I can still smell the cigarette smoke and old beer, i can see him raise is fist, i can feel the punches just like i was back there, i can hear it again and again, its for your own good.


It always stops at the same spot, i am running outside and its dark, screaming for someone to help, i see the lights and the sirens, i remember to this day the cops face, he puts a blanket on me, says everything will be alright.

He was right do, from that day i was free of him, but the nightmares never stop, he still even after is death haunt my life.

Sorry for my rant

a reply to: dukeofjive696969

i can hear it again and again, its for your own good.

Bullies always say stuff like that to justify their abuse.

Blaming the victim.

a reply to: dukeofjive696969
You're not the only one. My old man was a monster too.

a reply to: intrptr

They ALL say the same tired, worn out phrase too: "Look what YOU made ME do!" No, not anymore. In death only peace finally came to stay.

a reply to: dukeofjive696969

If we are to take your post as representative of a situation to which you reacted, I would say that you over-reacted if he is dead from your hand. No wonder you have nightmares.

ETA: To clarify my words above: There is no law that I know of that say that it is OK/legal to kill an abuser.

originally posted by: Aliensun
a reply to: dukeofjive696969

If we are to take your post as representative of a situation to which you reacted, I would say that you over-reacted if he is dead from your hand. No wonder you have nightmares.

ETA: To clarify my words above: There is no law that I know of that say that it is OK/legal to kill an abuser.

Na i was 5 years old at the time, i ran away one night after he passed out drunk, neighbors called the cops, sorry my grammar is terrible.

Awful. Hideous. Try to keep your mind on happy moments-it is an effort. The past doesn't exist anymore-thank God. You are safe-you are free. Keep repeating it til you can believe it. Sometimes joining a group of childhood abuse survivors can help-or sometimes they just make your mind relive that abuse. Thank God you are a survivor and safe.

Sorry to hear about your story.

I've found out for myself in the (vivid dream/nightmare) is to face it straight on, it's the only way to get out of it without going back.

originally posted by: Justso
Awful. Hideous. Try to keep your mind on happy moments-it is an effort. The past doesn't exist anymore-thank God. You are safe-you are free. Keep repeating it til you can believe it. Sometimes joining a group of childhood abuse survivors can help-or sometimes they just make your mind relive that abuse. Thank God you are a survivor and safe.

Yea my therapist always says it helps by sharing, i was stuck at work and was having a #ty day, ats is my go to place to get it out.

a reply to: Aliensun

UM, yeah....didn't get that AT ALL.

Anyways...

a reply to: dukeofjive696969

We don't get to pick our parents but we do get to choose our way forward. We get to decide how we want to deal with the fallout and how we can be better or different. I'm so, so sorry you had to go through that. It breaks my heart for little five-year-old dukeofjive. I'm glad your neighbors and that officer stepped in. Hang your hopes on those kinds of good souls in this world. (((hug)))

a reply to: dukeofjive696969

This, I hope, will always be a safe place.

My issues with my Dad weren't nearly as severe as yours, but enough that I can well understand and feel what you're going through. To this day I will not allow anyone to raise their voice at me in anger. It's one of my few red, wet points.

I'm no psychologist, but I wonder if part of what keeps the nightmares coming is that you didn't get the grace of closure with him. I wonder if it might help to write a letter to him. Tell him what he cost you, how it hurt, how degraded you felt by being wounded in public by (who I presume is) your father. Write it all down. Take your time. Read it, maybe share it with your therapist, and then burn the #ing thing.

When I was 14 years old I walked into my house and realized that my father was beating my younger sister. For the first time ever I stood up to him and fought back.

At the time I thought this would make the nightmares stop.

It didn't.

Years later, in the fall of 1996, I got the call I always knew would come. The alcoholism had finally caught up with dad and he had died of septic shock. A few hours later I was in my car ready to make a non-stop drive from Georgia to California... Non stop because my father had hurt many people over his life - and there had already been a break-in at his house... a young woman he'd abused, looking for recompense.

Before his cremation, as I stood in the funeral home... I kissed his cold forehead and told him he was forgiven for all that he had done to me - and added my hopes that fate, or God, or whatever comes next would be forgiving as well.

I thought that would stop the nightmares, finally.

It didn't.

Now, at fifty years old, I look back and understand just how much of my past was born in those moments, as a child, when all I wanted to know was why my daddy was punching me, over and over again. So many fights over the years... so much blood and violence - all trying to prove, to myself, that I could stand up. That I could protect myself. So many drunken nights, needlessly following my personal demon into the Hellish pit of his own personal demons.

But that rage and hatred served a purpose... Eventually it was the catalyst that made me realize I cannot hate any longer. I cannot fear any longer. I cannot let my demon dictate who I am any longer.

I still have the nightmares. But, these days, they no longer hurt me. They simply serve as reminders that I am finally the one who broke the chain of violence in my lineage. I fought my fathers demons, for him and I both... and I won.

a reply to: dukeofjive696969

Nothing what so ever to apologize for. Ever.

The courage it took to write that, much less post it here, is incredible.

Ever need a shoulder, I'm a PM away.

a reply to: Hefficide

and I won.

Yes, you did, my friend. Yes, you did.

You did nothing wrong.

Be the dad to your five year old self, that you deserved.
When the anger, fear, sadness rises in memories, imagine putting your arms around yourself as that little guy and comfort him as a parent should. Say all those comforting and encouraging things he deserved, in time your little inner kid will quieten.

Meditation also may be helpful, most of all, talk talk talk, not in fear but in kindness to yourself. Imagine if it was a child neighbour of your own, you would say it's not their fault.
It is a parents job to protect and nurture, you reparent yourself, he failed you, you take over the job.

You failed no one.

Be kind to yourself, live in today, not yesterday or tomorrow.

Zazz

My heart goes out to those of you who have shared your personal stories. It is so tragic to see a child suffer at the hands of someone they should be looking up to, the man who is supposed to love and nurture them. I can only imagine the pain and shock and betrayal that haunts you. Hugs for each and every one of you!

a reply to: dukeofjive696969

Thank God it is not your reality now-you can make your own happy memories to replace the awful ones. You are not a victim anymore-you are free.

Good morning ats, just wanted to say thank you to all, you guys and gals are a wonderful group.

To the ones who also shared i wish you all peace of mind, damn i wish i knew how to express how you guys made me feel today.

Drinks are on me

originally posted by: Aliensun
ETA: To clarify my words above: There is no law that I know of that say that it is OK/legal to kill an abuser.

Bullsnap there isn't! If you are in fear of your life, that abuser is rightfully dead! Lethal force is completely justified if someone, even a child, uses lethal force to defend themselves.

I don't believe that was the case in the OP's life. The point is though, as long as somebody believes their life is in danger, kill the # out of the aggressor. It helps to place a weapon in their dead hands afterwards of course.