Okey Dokey Smokey, Don't be shy, Tell Me WHY?

Here is the scenario, based on a true story, names will be changed and identities protected, locations and dates not included. There will be no offer of proof and what is being reported here is of my own volition and based on witness accounts. Suffice to say and the only reference to time will be it happened in my past and has been much distance traversed since then. However, sometimes, two things get in the way when dealing with whether to disclose history, guilt and fear.

Guilt over having not faced the consequences when they occurred and fear over the consequences themselves.

Keeping something inside for so long requires a tremendous amount of energy, usually that manifest in a negative way, festering and simmering until they just explode in a self destructive fit of rage and anger. The slightest hint of betrayal can set it off.

Now, the day was somewhat cloudy and warm, about 75 degrees with a substantial breeze whispering throughout the mid day sun, even a small sprinkle, off and on, caused some steam to rise. As an observer of the surroundings, much was going on, chaotic of sorts, but in a controlled sort of way. Customers waiting to be taken care of in a very busy auto shop, right off one of the main highways in town, lots of traffic going by, on the access road and the upper road.

Although, I was a customer, I was also, a vendor for the owner and helped around the shop when I had time, mainly because I enjoyed the mingling and being involved aspect, customer service and learning more about mechanics and car troubles. My van kept giving trouble with this fuel pump relay switch and I was constantly needing to deal with it, seems there was short in my wire harness and it needed to be found and repaired, so this particular day my van was on the rack being worked on.

I did my part by keeping the other customer's happy and solving minor issues so the owner and his crew could tackle my wire issue. I often brought my son with me because I was a stay at home dad. During the week we just did errands and go do fun things, but every once in a while, the dang van needed work. My distrust of most mechanics would not let me just leave it sight unseen for days, so I made it a point to always need to do business in a certain part of town while the van was out of commission. This allowed me to be able to pop in and say hi, if you get the gist.

This day was like any other visit to the shop, but they were short help everywhere and this created this vacuum where I got sucked in and I lost track of time. I always left my son in the car with the A/C on and the radio playing a tape. Most of the times, I would only be a few minutes maybe 15, but always with my car in view and locked behind the shop. The employees all knew me and would make sure to not let anyone or thing mess with my kid, he was protected at all times.

When I went to look in on him every few minutes, he was fine singing and laughing, eating his cereal and drinking his milk. Then all hell broke loose at the garage and I was distracted for more than 15 minutes trying to put fires out. When I went back to the car the engine had stopped, it stalled and shut off I don't know for how long, but I was terrified to see my child passed out and drenched in sweat, horrified I had just killed my kid. I broke into hysterics and everyone came running, I got him out of the car and brought into to bathroom to splash cool water on him, he was breathing but it was labored and the ambulance was on the way.

Thankfully, I caught him in time, because he came back to me and gave me a huge hug of relief. I could see it in his eyes how scared he was and he could see the hurt on my face at what had just happened. He was only 2 so he never really understood how close he was to dying in my arms that day. Lately, I have been seeing so many stories about this very situation and other people not being as fortunate as I was that day.

Really, I was Not negligent in any way, but I was, because it happened. I never said anything to my Ex-Wife about it and I never told my son what happened, but I have lived with a tremendous amount of shame and guilt over that day. It just feels good to get it out. Do any of you think it would serve some purpose for me to divulge this information and unburden my soul? Would it be fair to him? Am I right to just confess my sin anonymously to strangers in an on-line community?

Although, my son survived without any major complications, he did have asthma growing up, not sure if this happening was why, but it was never really serious and he doesn't have it anymore, I can't help wonder if I somehow scarred him emotionally? It has really bothered me.

I think I know what most of you will say, but I would be grateful for insight just the same, I have already come to my own conclusion on the matter and I will share it with you all after some dialogue has occurred. Why should I or why shouldn't I?

a reply to: INEVERQUIT

I'm not psychologist but I've had my fair share of regretful incidents, actions. I think that the reason you are struggling with this is that it seems you have yet to take full ownership over what happened that day.

Really, I was Not negligent in any way, but I was, because it happened.

Just based on what you said, you really were negligent. You said:

- You knew your vehicle was giving you trouble (so you should have been suspicious of the air conditioned remaining on the entire time you were gone)

- You said, " The employees all knew me and would make sure to not let anyone or thing mess with my kid, he was protected at all times. " While it's good to have people that are willing to lend a hand, it clearly didn't work this time. Further, if you (THE DAD) didn't notice what was going on in the vehicle for x-minutes because you got distracted, why is it a safe bet that other people who AREN'T the kid's father wouldn't also be distracted?

So, I think if you are one day able to really, fully understand that it was ENTIRELY up to you, you might be able to get past this to an extent. Again, I'm no psychologist.

As far as telling anyone now? I'm not sure what good that would do anyone. Perhaps when your child grows up and has a child of his own, you may want to explain what happened as a precautionary tale.

The thing you mentioned about the asthma, unfortunately there is no way to know if there were any long or short term affects of what happened. It seems like he's healthy over-all now, so I can only suggest not beating yourself up too much over it. Should something strange come up one day that the docs cant figure out, maybe tell them at that point. I'm curious though, did you bring him immediately to his doctor, if not the emergency room to check him out?

I know sometimes in the news we hear horror stories and sometimes it seems impossible that people let this happen. Sometimes there are actually monsters that intentionally do this to their kids but I do believe sometimes this happens completely as an accident to people that the other 99.9% of the time are good and decent parents.

I'm glad that things didn't take a turn for the worse that day. I'm guessing the silver lining to this is that I'm sure when you look at your son you can really really REALLY appreciate the blessing that they are.

Be well.


Edit to Add: If you have time, you may want to change the title of this tread. Nobody would know that there is an actual serious question based on the title. Just a suggestion and I'm curious to see what other members will have to say.

a reply to: eluryh22

No. The car was not having trouble, the work van was. Yes. I do take full responsibility and I am guilty of being negligent, I only was trying to demonstrate that I was not deliberately negligent, I did not just leave him in a hot car intentionally with malice intent. The title was self deprecating humor, I can't believe how dumb I was to even take the chance. I fully expect other people to bash me. I just want to know does my kid need to hear this from ever? He is grown now, cautionary tale? As in don't ever do this to your kid? That is implied to all of you, I wonder if it is fair to tell him just to deal with my guilt, like if I cheated on my wife 1 time, should I tell her? Should I risk a blemish on our relationship?

a reply to: INEVERQUIT

Yes, you were negligent.

Yes, you do know that you were negligent; or you would not be feeling so guilty that you took to this forum to "confess".

But, you, and your son, were lucky. This time.

No, further "confessions" are not required,

Unless, YOU need the lesson that the punishment you may receive would be of value to you.

And THAT is a question only You can answer honestly.

As a responsible person you now realize that the unexpected can happen at any time. Putting another person in harm's way, for the sake of your convenience, is often risky, and never responsible.

Oh well
Lesson learned in this case
Probably worth telling as others, might just avoid the same situation for someone in future
We all make mistakes, finding self forgiveness starts with acknowledging our errors and then not repeating them

Sounds like you need to tell him for your own sake

a reply to: INEVERQUIT

When i was around 8 or 9 years old in the matter of a few months i saw 2 girl burn to death after being left in a car park in a heat wave and then not long after that another girl was knocked down and killed only metres away from me .

I would say do not sweat the thing that nearly happened in life just remember them well

It seems to be a heavy burden and you want someone to share it so as to lighten your load.

I don't think your son is the person to load it onto. Why risk hurting him or you relationship because you are buckling under the weight?

You did wrong and you have to bear the consequences which appear to have been many years of guilt.

Honestly, except for the relief to you I see no advantage to your telling anyone, besides us about, this.

If your son is a happy, well adjusted individual, leave him as he is.