Don't Get Married Until You Can Answer These 40 Questions

[I'd add--unless you feel it extremely right to do so. LOL]
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Margaret Paul January 11, 2016 4:59 AM
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www.mindbodygreen.com...
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If you’re single and you want a partner, you’ve probably spent a lot of time thinking about what you want — mentally, emotionally, spiritually. Are they different? Getting clear on what you want is vital in manifesting your beloved.
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Since we attract people who have equal levels of self-abandonment or self-love to our own, it's essential that we embody the qualities we want in a partner. These seven areas are crucial to consider when it comes to identifying the best partner for you — and making sure you have them, too.
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Character
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3. Do you want a partner who is kind, caring, compassionate, capable of empathy, honest, reliable, and trustworthy, and who has integrity?
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Physical Appearance
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Education and Intellect
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Lifestyle
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Values
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Substance use
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This looks like a pretty thorough list of questions in several rather critical areas. It would likely save a lot of later heartache if folks would carefully consider such issues well before setting a marriage date . . . or even before a proposal.
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I think that the integrity and values stuff hits at some key foundational issues. And such issues get short shrift far too often in our era, imho.
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I think, too, that such a list of questions COULD help prevent such a common occurrence of each potential spouse unconsciously seeking out in their potential spouse someone like their opposite sex parent to try and finish with said potential spouse as their spouse--what they did NOT finish with that opposite sex parent. THAT fosters tons of unnecessary grief.
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These are merely tools, aids to assist in working toward the best possible marriage that can be had. These questions are certainly not magical. Nor are they any kind of fool-proof guarantee on eternal bliss. Great relationships still take great work; great vulnerability; great forgiveness; great selflessness; great patience; etc. There are no shortcuts.

You can know someone for years and the day after the wedding, they change. And that's the truth.

a reply to: Justso

INDEED.

However . . . there's "knowing someone" and there's "KNOWING someone."

And, if they change that dramatically . . . it's NOT a good sign.

There's a fair number of cases where the couple shacked up for 10+ years . . . finally got married--and it fell all apart.

There's something in the dynamic of a legally committed relationship that seems to tweak a lot of Attachment stuff. . . particularly with regard to CONTROL FREAK sorts of aspects.

If individuals don't know where their partner is on the following issues, traits, habits--REALLY BONE MARROW KNOW--then I'd suggest waiting or finding another partner.

--Humility
--Pride
--Selfishness
--insecurities
--degree of attachment disorder--particularly fostered by poor fathering or inadequate fathering
--brittleness
--impatience
--empathy
--personal insight into one's own poo

Thanks for your kind reply.

Explain this 'opposite sex parent' thing. You mean like girls with daddy issues?

Other than that...I would never seek my mother in a spouse. Wth

a reply to: lightedhype

An old axiom in psychotherapy/counseling is:

We persistently try and finish with our spouse and/or our boss . . . what we did not finish with our parents.

i.e. what we did not work through, mature over, come to a place of healthy adjustment regarding.

Along that line . . . it tends to OFTEN (as in NOT ALWAYS) be the case that
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--a man will unconsciously choose a wife that carries many of the key traits of his mother--which he is still in conflict with his mother over. That, of course, means that soonish in the marriage, he and spouse will be off and running with the same conflicts as he and mother have had most of his life.
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Similarly, the wife will have unconsciously chosen a hubby that has at least a trait or 3 of her dad that she had not worked through well or come to terms with.
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And, there is some research to suggest, actually, that we unconsciously choose mates that resemble our opposite sex parent in at least a few appearance aspects . . . and likely personality aspects.
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At first, some therapists, professionals etc. dismissed such notions as antiquatedly Freudian. However, experience and some minimal research kind of indicates--there might be some truth to it. Might be.
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I hope that's clearer.
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If it doesn't fit you, it doesn't fit you. Congrats.

I don't even entertain the idea of being legally bound to another person.
Congratulation to all of you happily married folks.
Not my cup of soup.

a reply to: skunkape23

I agree. That piece of paper feels like selling my soul. Why people need a piece of paper for their love i will never understand.

There's a lot to be said about going into marriage not knowing your partner that well. Half of the experience is learning about them. Some will be good. Some will be bad.

Edit to add that clearly you need to know your partner, but knowing too much leads to a boring marriage. I'm on my first wife and still learning after all these years!

a reply to: paraphi

CONGRATS!

Lots of arranged Asian marriages might well agree.

I don't recall ever finding anyone I deeply loved, boring, however.

It has been said that boredom may indicate a low IQ. That the truly brilliant can find interesting things in any situation.

I did learn . . . in a Navy Radioman job staring at a 3' thick concrete wall waiting for radio signals of the start of WWIII . . . that I didn't need to be bored, even in that situation. My mind could be anywhere.

With a loved one, I think it's possible to find more interesting things about them each day as each day is different and their responses to it a bit different. And, I could find interesting ways to show her new things, new things to do, new perspectives to discuss. The world is complex and wondrous in so many ways. Sharing that wonder with a loved one need not be boring, imho.

Still, I think you make a great point about unfolding a loved one over decades.

a reply to: BO XIAN
In these questions, I don't see any mention of the size of the dowry. How much is the bride's father ready to offer?
Or from the other side of the fence, there is Lady Bracknell's question; "What is your income, and is it in land or investments?"

a reply to: DISRAELI

LOLOLOL

Old school, are we?

Certainly those are big questions in some regions of the world.

And here these silly young 'adults' just think it's making whoopy, smoking strange ciggy butts and living happily ever after on her welfare check!

What ARE they thinking?

Oh, right. They've been media lobotomized. They AREN'T thinking!

Kids having kids . . . then wailing about how messy life gets.

Sigh.

Thankfully, it IS still possible to have a good lasting marriage.

However, with Attachment problems soooo rampant . . . meaning that a major percentage of the population is running around with serious physiological literal BRAIN DAMAGE in the areas of the brain handling RELATIONSHIPS and EMOTIONAL EXPRESSION--there GOING TO BE MAJOR PROBLEMS in most of those relationships--potentially for many years to come, if not their lifetimes.

That's a pretty bleak analysis. And it's a pretty bleak reality.

The more tragic part of that is that THOSE 'parents' [using the term loosely] will rear kids with similar problems, if not worse.

Sometimes, one can sort of understand the oligarchy's plan to depopulate the planet and start over.

Thankfully, God has a better plan . . . though about half the population will be exterminated before all's said and done. BIG Sigh.

originally posted by: BO XIAN
Lots of arranged Asian marriages might well agree.

You have completely misread my post. I am not advocating arranged, or forced marriage and find such practices abhorrent. What I am saying is that you don't need to know everything about your spouse to make a marriage work, indeed, relationships of discovery would be less boring.

It has been said that boredom may indicate a low IQ.

Don't be silly.

a reply to: paraphi

I understood.

Arranged marriages are an example where the extreme of what you were noting occurs.

I was merely saying that even SOME of those were made to work and turned into passionately loving relationships.

I was somewhat agreeing with you, in principle.

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High IQ and a lack of boredom? It's not so hard to wrap your mind around that one. A clever mind can think of far more things to entertain itself with--regardless of circumstances. That's what I tried (& evidently failed) to indicate by my Navy example.

Cheers.