Family, Addiction, Hold that Thought. A Hiatus

ATS is such an awesome place. I get my news, entertainment, laughs, cries.. I get SO much out of ATS.

Unfortunately for me, that can also get in the way of other projects and priorities. Am I addicted to ATS? Yes, but it doesn't actually impact my professional life or my health (maybe my mental health sometimes haha), but it does take time and energy and I have a lot of different things going on that I should get re-focused on.

I should've saved the "comedic relief" for later in the thread (even though I'm not really funny), anyway here's where it gets dark :/
Right now (and for the past 2 years or so) one of my siblings is struggling severely with alcoholism, even after doing full treatment program (and being a leader, role model for others, etc.) for several months, he came home without structure and has been let go from work and now he is worse than he was before he left. The sibling who is struggling is also a twin, so the other twin has been really taking a lot on himself and they are both a mess from this.

Yesterday my dad went to drop him off at his "relapse-prevention meeting" in the morning, but unfortunately he skipped and went to the liquor store instead. There is SO much else that has happened in the last 2 weeks but I'm not going into the rest of it.

Now my whole family is trying to find a time to meet (they live all over the place between 2 diff. states) so we can look at resources, treatment options, etc. to help my sibling try this a 2nd time.

Our family is committed and supportive but we need to find the resources to help my sibling AND figure out a situation for when he gets out. A halfway house/clean living situation does NOT sound like something that would work for my sibling so we're worried about what happens even after he goes back to treatment (I guess we'll cross that bridge when we get there). Everyone is just real worried, we don't know if we'll be able to get a solid, structured plan for him to succeed and beat the bottle.

On top of all this my YOUNGER sibling who is seriously disappointing me, is in a terrible relationship, is going to be getting cosmetic surgery (which one of my parents is paying for), and is not even involved with everyone else. My significant other is actually roommates with this sibling and tells me all the time how they fight at 1 AM yelling and nothing ever changes. They're being so selfish.. this sibling even took MULTIPLE checks from my parent for this surgery, blew through all the money and has the audacity to ask for another check.

Meanwhile I'm working 100 hours a week and struggling just to maintain my own mental health, and it is just a total mess. I've questioned continuing with this job because of the demand and toll it's taking but giving it a chance to finish projects I've committed to and see if it improves. Outside of work it seems like my whole family is falling apart, and I'm in another state working my life away and trying to see them whenever i can. The past TWO times I've driven up there my brother didn't make it either time (even when we planned it as a big family breakfast for his coming home from rehab).

I've had some really great heartfelt talks with him- I'm 8 years younger but I also had addiction problems for years (jail, court, hospital visits, etc.), I was able to escape it but the temptations are still there - but I was able to stop. I have a lot of knowledge in the subject of addiction and how to combat it, but it's different for everyone and when I talk to them about it they keep saying "yeah but you were young when it happened, etc." (which isn't true, I was struggling with opiates and poking myself at age 24, although I did have other drinking issues much earlier on). It's so frustrating because I know what I'm saying resonates with him, and he understands and knows it, but his body is telling him he needs alcohol to survive and nothing seems to stop him once the urge takes over.

I feel like a strong person, and I know my family members are too. But I'm really disappointed in my selfish sibling, and just heartbroken for the twins.

I know everyone has family/life problems. It's not like me to get gooey on a thread and write about stuff like this on an open forum.. to be Perfectly Honest ATS IS my social life (other than work and seeing famcore when I can). So many intelligent, wise people with life experience and different perspectives.

I'm not looking for answers or sympathy from anyone, but wanted to share this because I've been real active on here and that's about to change. I need to figure out what I can do to help things improve.

your friend FamCore

It sounds like a bad situation all the way around for everyone involved. I hate to say that because I know you love your family. Just be careful. Don't get so involved in trying to fix them that they drag you back in too.

IME people only really start to change when they want to, and that's the only time you can start to really help, and it sort of sounds like the problems here go well beyond just your alcoholic sibling and into the total family structure to be honest. Did you need to make the total break in order to clean up yourself?

My first reaction is: Wow! My second reaction is: Far be it for me to suggest anything for what do I know? It's tempting to do a "What would Dear Abby do?" kind of approach. But what I see is a maelstrom around you of incredible issues caused by people you love. And there's quite a lot of co-dependency issues going around. But the fact of the matter is:

YOU CAN'T FIX THEM!

You can talk about addiction until your blue in the face and your addicted sibling will agree with everything you say, then get right back to it. Your experience and reasonableness in the matter mean nothing. They're just sucking your energy from you. They do something bad, they get your attention. The more bad things they do, the more attention they get. See the pattern?

And here you are working yourself to the bone with 100 hour weeks. This ain't good, bro. You need to start thinking about yourself. The fact is you may be making it worse by feeding it. Best thing you could do is announce you will have nothing further to do with this and walk away. Take yourself out of the loop. It's really not your problem. My two cents.

a reply to: FamCore

Best wishes for positive outcomes with everything FamCore. Hope we see you before long with improved situations and things easing up and imrpoving a bit.

Fam... I'm sending you all the love, support and respect I can. I have a very small friends list here, and you are the 1 St one on it. Just know, no matter how bad it gets or how tough it seems, everything will be ok. We are tested, only to overcome. You know as well as anybody, when it comes to addiction to drugs or alcohol no one will stop until they are really ready. The only thing that will ever get them ready is to face whatever demon they are hiding from. This can tear family's apart or make them stronger just like any situation, it is how you deal with the results that matters. Life does not care of you want to be in any givin situation so you might as well deal with the fact that you are in it. Then move on to what was it about this that made me a better,stronger,smarter, more compassionate person. Grab on to that and let it be your tool for change.

To many people believe the bs Ayn Rand spewed out. You are your brothers keeper as he is yours. By no means does that mean you are to dominate his life choices or tell him they are wrong, he has his own skeletons just as we all do, but that does not mean to enable the situations that allow him to fall, but there is never a point where you have to just let your brother go, you have to break his fall. You do this because he will break yours. He needs to cut ties with all of the relationships that lead to drinking, some have to move to a new city. Everything will be ok and you are strong enough to come out of this mess better, I promise!

Best wishes my friend! Hank

Wish i was better at words so i could share and express how i feel for you and your family, addiction is a killer of families, and in the end the only way to stop it, is for the addict himself to be ready to stop, no begging, or helping will change anything until the sick person decides it's over with destroying themselves.

Good luck for you and yours, and plz never blame yourself, thats what addicts do to make you feel bad so they can keep on using.

a reply to: FamCore

We don't really talk but I'll flag ya, I think I've silently agreed with your posts enough times to stick my nose in your hiatus thread lol. Never nice to lose one of our own.

We all need to step back now and then, life is demanding and important.

Hope things work out for ya, ATS will be here waiting for you

a reply to: FamCore

I also had addiction problems for years (jail, court, hospital visits, etc.), I was able to escape it but the temptations are still there - but I was able to stop. I have a lot of knowledge in the subject of addiction and how to combat it, but it's different for everyone and when I talk to them about it they keep saying "yeah but you were young when it happened, etc." (which isn't true, I was struggling with opiates and poking myself at age 24, although I did have other drinking issues much earlier on). It's so frustrating because I know what I'm saying resonates with him, and he understands and knows it, but his body is telling him he needs alcohol to survive and nothing seems to stop him once the urge takes over.

There's wisdom in there and it comes from your life experience.

You'll know that you can't crawl inside his skull and do his thinking for him. You'll also know that a person has to be 95% committed to changing on their own terms, right?

He's 8 years further down the path and he'll have to have his epiphany in his own time. It's a crap situation for all concerned and I've been there too. It's time for you to step back and look after yourself. He'll come round in his own time..or he won't. Not your responsibility and a man working 100 hours (wtf?!) will burn out and die if he doesn't slow down.

a reply to: FamCore

Thanks for opening up and sharing with us. Family addiction is very hard. Glad you overcame it. I just recently kicked the habit of drinking on March 6th of this year. I had been drinking since I was 13. I am 32. My mom died cause she killed her liver from drinking and my dad is a functioning alcoholic still. I had to stop for the sake of everything. I truly hope that you can figure things out. You will be in my thoughts. Sending the most positive vibes your way ~~>
Much peace to you xo

My heart goes out to you and the family. I have seen others have to go through this and it's horrible! I can only hope that things somehow turn around and your Brother and family can find peace.

a reply to: FamCore

Zowie.

Sounds extremely rough for all concerned.

I've been out of alcohol treatment to any great degree for more than 30 years. I still have friends doing such work, however.

In such cases, I would try to insure the individual was in a treatment program for preferably a year and certainly no less than 90 days.

I would want a program that also emphasized how to build emotionally bonded relationships that were then more attractive than the booze . . . and that insured such relationships were, in fact, built. No small order.

Beyond that . . . the other family members had best take care of themselves or they will be of little use to the other healthier members of the family as well as to those flushing themselves down the tubes. This is not merely some other 'ought to' sort of thing. It is CRUCIAL.

For one, it does not help the addicted one to use and abuse other folks so freely and chronically. It only adds to their guilt and dysfunctions.

I think I'll stop there.

Prayer for all concerned.

a reply to: Kandinsky

ABSOLUTELY INDEED.

I've seen more situations than I can recall where family members burned themselves out . . .

harming themselves and their own children

and achieving NO LASTING GOOD in behalf of the addicted one.

It was all a horrible waste. That still . . . troubles me every time I see it--kind of sets my teeth on edge to see it.

I've said countless times to family members in all kinds of relationship, emotional, psychological problems:

TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF or you won't be able to help anyone.

The book BOUNDARIES might be of help on such scores.

Thanks, K, for speaking to an important--very crucial issue in all such situations.