Puns for the Educated Mind

I thought I would share some funny puns that I found online with my friends on ATS.

Enjoy!

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

10. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

11. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

12. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

13. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

14. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

15. A backward poet writes inverse.

16. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

17. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

18. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.

19. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

20. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'

21. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your
kayak and heat it too.

22. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

23. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

24. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

These would good in Xmas crackers

You don't need an educated mind to get them...

Ah, a little humor is most welcome!

Here are some of my favorites:

1. It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

2. Boris Spassky was once asked by a reporter, “Which do you prefer: chess or sex?”. Spassky replied “It very much depends on the position”.

3. “is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?”

4. Entropy isn’t what it used to be.

5. there are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets

6. The programmer’s wife tells him: “Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen.” The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.

7. Helium walks into a bar and orders a beer, the bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve noble gases here.” He doesn’t react.

8. A Buddhist monk approaches a hotdog stand and says “make me one with everything”.

9. The first rule of Tautology club, is the first rule of Tautology club.

10. What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

What's Medusa's favorite cheese?
Gorgon-zola


What do you call an obese psychic?
A four-chin teller.


What did the mama cow say to her calf when he stayed up too late?
It's pasture bedtime!

What do you call a surly, know-it-all prison inmate when he's walking down the stairs?
A condescending con descending.

I had dinner with my chess master friend. There was a checkered tablecloth. I asked him to pass the salt. It took him
20 minutes.

a reply to: Metallicus

How could you describe Anna's reaction to to finding a half-used packet of condoms in the pocket of her fiancee's trousers after he returned from a two week business trip?

Anna 'phylactic shock.

Good stuff, Metallicus..

Number 14 made me lol..

a reply to: Prezbo369

Apart from number 14.

a reply to: Metallicus
She was the moonshiners daughter and she always made me liquor.

a reply to: GENERAL EYES
That must have been really good lol.

a reply to: Skid Mark

It was actually so bad I got a phone call from an unlisted number demanding it's immediate removal.

It was like sex while camping....in tents.

a reply to: Metallicus

Well, they made be chuckle! I really do love a good pun.

a reply to: GENERAL EYES
*GROANS* I guess the NSA didn't like it.

The person who invented the door knock won the No-bell prize.

Never trust atoms, they make up everything.

If Apple made a car, would it have Windows?

It's not that the man didn't know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.

Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.

They should make a Minecraft movie; it would be a blockbuster.

What do you do with a sick chemist? If you can't helium, and you can't curium, you might as well barium.

I can hear music coming out of my printer. I think the paper's jammin' again.

I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.

2 antennas met on a roof and got married. The wedding was ok, but the reception was incredible.

I've accepted the fact that being cremated is my last hope for a smoking, hot body.

originally posted by: greencmp
A Buddhist monk approaches a hotdog stand and says “make me one with everything”.

BULLSEYE.

a reply to: LadyGreenEyes

Posted previously in another thread but:

Boron.
Symbol: B
Atomic number: 5
Electron configuration: [He] 2s22p1
Electrons per shell: 2,3
Melting point: 2,076 °C
Atomic mass: 10.811 ± 0.007

... two insults for the price of one!

a reply to: chr0naut

Aww, straining the chemistry brain this close to New Years?

Good stuff! Ha ha ha!