Fly You Magnificent Friggin' Eagle! [PART ONE: 'Murica's First Blood!]

Bored so I made a parody of american history. I'll make more if I see it getting a good amount of attention. I'm not sure if including curse words that are censored is still frowned upon in these forums. I'll edit or remove the thread if there's any problems. Without further ado, here it is ...

Long ago, when people gave a nanogram of a f*** about freedom, lived George Washington. Besides being the inventor of peanut butter, he also mildly disliked the British. But as time went on, he looked past the British's faults and learnt the true meaning of friendship ...

Screw that noise! He declared war on those crumpet-eating bastards! Thus began the greatest war in all of American history, and one of the worst films of Mel Gibson's career.

According to the most trustworthy of sources, an obscure wikipedia article dealing with the Revolution that was written by my father's only brother's sibling's only son, the war began when Lexigram and Flight of the Concords were insulted by the older neighbor English kids from across the pond. The teasing went on for forty, endless, agonizing seconds until Lexi and Con got pi**ed off and spread a rumour that the guys-from-that-particularly-large-island-next-to-Ireland were batting for the same team. Wait ... I've just been told baseball didn't exist back then. They were rumoured to be shooting eachother's hoops. Wha- ... are you ... basketball didn't exist either?! Screw this ... everyone thought they were gay! Happy?

Therefore, since times were the most progressive they've ever been, the friends of Lexi and Con ganged up on the supposed arse-gobblers and brutally dismembered them with the ends of their muskets.

News spread quickly that a large group of english homosexuals were murdered. Like hearing about an act of terrorism in the Middle-East, hardly anyone bat an eye thinking that it was just some rowdy kids trying to find the meaning of life.

That is, until George Washington burst onto the scene and declared that he renamed the entire eastern part of North America "The United States of America". There was some debate between Washington and his fellow co-conspiratirs on what the name would be. They drew up a list of suggestions, and in typical american fashion they brought it to a vote.

The suggestions on this incredibly important list were as follows:

1. The Lordship of the Thirteen Original Colonies

2. The Rise of the Western Phoenix

3. 'Murica! (We believe that, yes, the exclamation point was included)

4. LOL U.S.A. FTW GTFO U.K.!!!!!?!!! (We believe Benjamin Franklin originally suggested this name. His progressive nature at the time is evident in this forgotten title of what would be a great nation)

5. The United States of America (We believe that no one liked this name)

The vote was to be held three days from when the list was written. All the voters, fifty-two individuals in all, were divided into several "districts". Each district would count for one vote.

The day of the vote finally arrived. George Washington's suggestion of "The United States of America" wasn't the favorite among the districts, and this worried him tremedously. Miraculously, the name was accepted by the voters, and Washington could now call this new nation the U S of A!*

*(Despite reports from the time detailing Washington basically overseeing the entire voting process, "redrawing" and creating entirely new districts, and threatening all the other voters by marching entire armies to their houses and shooting rounds into the foundations of those houses. In reality, all the suggestions were tied except for the fifth one)

After this tedious debacle the founding fathers of our nation agreed to fight the British menace. Until they realized they still had to write a Declaration of Independence. Damn.

Will Tim Jaffersun write the D.o.I before it's too late? Will George Washington fight off the Tea-drinking Menace from the Atlantic Lagoon? Will the Assassain's Guild secure American Independence from the English Templars through covert and blatantly unrealistic means? Will Mel Gibson's movie ever get a remake? Stay tuned sometime next week to find out!

Lexigram and Flight of the Concords....
Hmmm

Keep talking....

George Washington Carver, a black man, invented peanut butter.

a reply to: Passerby1996

Wow, this is starting to sound alike like that crappy show Sleepy Hollow on Fox.

Is that you Ichabod Crane?

originally posted by: infolurker
a reply to: Passerby1996

Wow, this is starting to sound alike like that crappy show Sleepy Hollow on Fox.

Is that you Ichabod Crane?

Dammit ... they've found out!

*jumps on random horse*

We're outta here, Billy-bob. yeeeeehaaaa!

* Billy-bob winnies and we run off into the sunset, despite the fact it's the middle of the morning*

And so, Ichabod Crane rode off into that beautiful sunset, while riding into the hearts of millions until the end of time. In which the 'end of time' was, in reality, a day later. Crane was found decapitated in a ditch by a homeless man about twenty-four hours later. Other alleged witnesses state they saw the Headless Horseman kill Crane, and ride off with his head into the sunset. But others still claim they saw Billy-bob the horse trampling the poor Crane into the dirt and gnawing his head off. The truth was uncertain until years later when forensic scientists actually decided to read the diary in Crane's pocket at the time of his death. His last entry reads, "Billy-bob is preventing me from slumber due to his incessant snoring. I guess I'll just re-read what I wrote in my diary to make me sleepier still. Before I do this, though, I've had a nagging thought of what would occur if one were to try and decapitate oneself with a piece of paper. Don't ask why ... although I'm the only one saying this. Might as well lay in this ditch in the extremely unlikely case I off myself. Wish me luck!" Blood covered most of the last page Crane wrote in his diary. And so ends this episode of Mythbusters. What do you think, Jaime? JAIME: Well, if Crane said it, it must be true. Also, when in doubt, C4! ADAM: *laughs* *cutscene of metal sign falling from nowhere landing on the ground saying "Confirmed"

(Sorry this reply was so long. I have ADHD and find long, pountless tirades of attempted comedy funny. Again ... Sorry)

originally posted by: Nickn3
George Washington Carver, a black man, invented peanut butter.

Actually, no. Peanut butter existed long before Washington Carver. He just invented a bunch of new ways to use peanut butter. I'm not just making a really bad joke without a punchline: Look it up.

Am anxiously awaiting to find out how hotdogs, apple pie, Chevrolets and fireworks come into play.

a reply to: maybee

You forgot baseball.

originally posted by: DAVID64
a reply to: maybee

You forgot baseball.

LOL