The Real Way to Apologize

We all make mistakes. We all commit errs.

And at most times, hopefully--when operating under the provinces of benevolence and acting with the intentions of goodwill--after recognizing those interpersonal sins and realizing ourselves guilty of violating our own intrinsic moral and ethical code, we apologize for having committed those transgressions against others.

Then after having offered our humblest apologies and subsequent receipt of forgiveness from the individual(s) aggrieved, we tend simply forget those situations and move on with life. Yet that reaction in itself is another mistake--for typically it leads towards an avoidable err:

By forgoing memory of the incident and cutting off that psychic tether at the point of apology and forgiveness, we set it adrift in the skies of consciousness like a balloon released on a warm summer day. Then as it drifts higher and higher and finally seems vanish forever upon ascending above the limitations of sight, we walk away and let its lingering existence forever escape from our wandering minds.

And whilst with a balloon set adrift that approach would cause scant harm, with a transgression forgotten that technique of psychically abandoning memory of the event could lead to a much greater mistake:

For he who forgets the past is doomed to repeat it. And the only real way to apologize for having done wrong is to NEVER do it again.

Imagine yourself sitting on celestial levels surveying human lives. Then picture yourself looking down at two individuals of otherwise indistinguishable character.

Both amongst them commit the same errs at the identical times. And both amongst them apologize immediately and sincerely unto all those they offend.

But whilst one tends forget those mistakes and repeats consistently those sins, the other remains focused upon each misdeed until it becomes anchored in the mind as something that should forever be avoided.

Thus whilst the first keeps banging his head against the same wall repeating over and again those identical wrongs, the other continues refining himself at a much faster rate as he culls mistake after mistake from the encyclopedic confines of his brain--and thus prevents himself from ever again succumbing unto those sins.

Now decide for yourself which amongst them you'd reward most heavily in the spirit world: Would you lavish the highest levels of praise and affection upon the individual who refused put forth the effort to modulate his behavior in accordance with his own subjective standards of morality? Or would you gift everything unto the individual who invested time and energy towards modifying his neurology until it those behavior patterns ingrained in mind became a mirror replica of their inner moral code?

Of course the latter would garner more respect from spirits of benevolence in the world after. Thus that very behavior pattern should be the one you emulate and incorporate in your own life.

Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone commits errs.

But now, instead of simply apologizing until you receive forgiveness then moving on like nothing more can be done--take that process one step further.

Start incorporating into your reality the real way to apologize.

Then, after committing some err and self-admitting it as wrong, take every step necessary towards ensuring you never make that same mistake again.

An apology is spoken. It says I'm sorry without excuse making. It doesn't expect to be forgiven and it might even try to make up for any damage done or make due by helping in some other way, selflessly.

It owns up to the transgression and takes responsibility, other wise, what are you apologizing for?

To save face or because its expected?

I agree with the don't do it anymore thing, too.

Some people can't help their angry outbursts though, or their bullish acts upon others.

Truly excellent post OP, I commend you.

I hope you don't mind if I add my own concise rendition of it. "Always think of the consequences."

a reply to: Trachel

An apology uses the word apologize ie I apologize.
Because I'm sorry is just an excuse to do it again.
It's not unlike saying thanks, which is very impersonal
but can be appropriate at times. But to say thank you
is more appropriate for a gift. And further more when
someone does something for us that could never be
repaid, shows how much they care, or honors you
greatly in some way. I always say thank you so and so
ie Linda or Tom or Jason. Saying thank you with persons
title in tow shows great well meaning notation.

You're quite right. Human memory is powerful, and if we want to remember something, we will. For the most part, we choose to forget things. And in this case, forgetting would indeed mean we aren't truly sorry.

Apology is not just a word, it is an action.

Anyone can SAY they are sorry.

It is how you act and what you do after that makes it count.

Wow a thread about how to apologize properly!

Oh i'm sorry i was just being sarcastic!

a reply to: Trachel

Then there are those who refuse to apologize no matter what let alone not repeat the offense. I lost a good friend because he simply says I don't apologize...ever! It was over a simple matter really but the effect was really big.

I was having a bad day last week and went to get a few things at the grocery store. My first mistake was to go at lunch time, a time I knew would be crowded with workers on break trying to eat lunch or shoppers trying to run a few quick errands.

My second mistake was to expect to get a small shopping cart (not large) and get my errand done in a few minutes.

Nothing turned out right. It was crowded, there were no shopping carts AND it was starting to rain. I searched for a small cart and finally saw a lady getting ready to ditch hers so I followed her outside. She gave up her cart and when I went to grab it another lady gabbing on her phone who just walked in snatched it without batting an eye.

Well, I lost my temper. And took it out on the poor greeter at the door who hands out shopping carts. I got all fussy with her and snapped that I would find my own. She was very flustered.

I was ashamed with my behavior and it bothered me so much that the next day I made a point to go back and apologize to her. She was all smiles and dismissed my earlier behavior, waving it away. But I know I affected her. And I am still ashamed that I did that. You see, that is not who I am. I have better morals and hold myself to a better standard than that. I fell off my perch. I know people make mistakes but what I did goes against what I stand for.

I worked retail for 30 years and have been on the receiving end of many rants and angry complaints. If affects you, most definitely. And knowing that, every time I go to this particular store, she will always identify me as the person who yelled at her.

Good thread, by the way.

originally posted by: smirkley
Apology is not just a word, it is an action.

Anyone can SAY they are sorry.

It is how you act and what you do after that makes it count.

Yes, I agree. I made a post about that.

I agree. Apologies are emotional pandering at best, lip service at worst. If you believe your behaviour to be wrong, fix it. If somebody else's is, notify them. It's less immediately gratifying than asking for or giving an apology, but more practical.

originally posted by: 0ut0f0rder
I agree. Apologies are emotional pandering at best, lip service at worst. If you believe your behaviour to be wrong, fix it. If somebody else's is, notify them. It's less immediately gratifying than asking for or giving an apology, but more practical.

Great words, and welcome to ATS!

originally posted by: Trachel

originally posted by: 0ut0f0rder
I agree. Apologies are emotional pandering at best, lip service at worst. If you believe your behaviour to be wrong, fix it. If somebody else's is, notify them. It's less immediately gratifying than asking for or giving an apology, but more practical.

Great words, and welcome to ATS!

Thank you.