Some one-liners

(There may be some 2-liners in there too)


Take my advice. I'm not using it.

I started with nothing, and I still have most of it.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

I don't have a solution, but I do admire the problem

Treat each day like it's your last. One day you will be right.

I hate redundancy. I want to abolish it, delete it, remove it, and do away with it.

Artificial intelligence is better than natural stupidity

If you think about it, every organisation is perfectly designed to get the results they are getting.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

My conscience is clean — I've never used it!

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become president. Now I believe it.

Good judgment comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgment.

A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

Forget world peace. Visualize using your damn turn signal.

I didn't say it was your fault, I just said I was going to blame you.

You can do more with a kind word than with a gun. You can do even more with a kind word AND a gun.

a reply to: ColeYounger

Artificial intelligence is better than natural stupidity.

A computer will never know that it knows.

a reply to: ColeYounger

If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

Light travels faster than sound - that's why some folks appear bright until you hear them speak.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you - but it's still on the list.

My wife thinks I'm crazy yet she is the one who married me.

Dyslexics are teeple poo.

And, of course, there are always some classic 'Pick up' lines.
"If I said you had a great body, would you hold it against me?"

Failure is not an option. It's bundled with your software.

When life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade...and try to find someone whose life has given them vodka.

"It's times like this I thank God I'm an Atheist"

We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

a reply to: ColeYounger

I dream of a better world, where chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned.