The truth about Relationships.

I've been thinking about this for a while, thought I'd post it to see what you guys think.
It has been my experience, looking back at my parents marriage and that of aunties, uncles and inlaws of the last generation / post WW2 generation, that at least 85% of long term relationships, even marriages are based on convenience rather than love. Love is very rare, and since you don't always fall in love with the partner who is the most "practical" pairing, it might lead to loneliness and heartbreak, but even rarer, a true long lasting partnership.
I think there are many reasons for this, social reasons like marrying someone who can keep you in the standard of living that your parents did, not wanting to marry above /below your "station", status seeking, chasing the "sugar daddy" or successful cougar woman who'll dress you up and spoil you, closet gay people who marry so as not to upset their parents or religion, even tho they know they are living a lie, common interests, being desperate to reproduce and have children. Many of these pairings are more like a business partnership than a husband/wife partnership. (They do apply to some same sex relationships also, but I think this is rarer)
All these reasons are love free excuses for having a relationship, and most often, the couples know that they are not in love, but choose to "work at it" even though they are building their houses on sand. Why do you think there is so much domestic violence, child abuse and divorce? If there was really love, these things would never happen.

I understand where you are coming from. And to be honest, it's a sad day when people think that what you said is what a relationship for me.

From my experience, my relationship is all about love.

Me and my girlfriend have been together 5 years next Monday. And it has been far from practical. We have stayed together for one reason, we cannot bare to be without each other. I am shortly going to ask her to marry me, but if you don't mind, I would like to go into why I feel my relationship is as strong as it is, based on love.

When we met, my girlfriend lived 75 miles away. We met a few times over the summer after meeting online (It's not taboo anymore is it?)... and we really hit it off. We didn't sleep together, we just hung out and what not. Eventually, we both realised we really loved each other, but if we wanted to be together, it would take a lot of work. I was studying in London at the time, so during the week there was no way I could see her. She was working as well, so the only time we had for each other was the weekends. So, every Friday night, I would come home, get in my car and drive all the way to see her (She doesn't drive). I spent every last penny on petrol every weekend. We would miss each other like hell every day throughout the week, and saying goodbye every Sunday night was absolutely horrible. We did this for 2 years. I must have spent thousands on petrol!!! But, we did it purely out of love. I missed a lot of social events, turned down jobs, all because they would stop me from seeing my girlfriend.

2 years later, she moved 75 miles away from her family, friends and job to come live with me. She had to start fresh, and she made a massive sacrifice to come up and stay with me. Her house was too crowded, but she still left it all behind. Now, after 3 years of living together, we still hate being apart during the day. Once every 3 weeks we drive down to her home and see her family. It can be a pain, as social events and family events come by at awkward times. It wasn't, and still isn't entirely practical. Yet here we are, on the verge of engagement, because our love for each other was just too much.

Im sorry if this is all goofy, but it is what it is. And you know what, I missed loads of birthdays, booze ups, parties and so forth... And I don't regret a dam thing.

Keep strong

as much as i love the idea of love, it's a state you have to at least to some degree force yourself into.
We are not built to be monogamous in any way you can imagine.
Most people get married and have families because, well that's kinda what you are supposed to do, the whole "settle down"thing.
All those things can be great for some people, but they have nothing to do with love, or romance, or destiny, it's just societal expectations.
We are all pressured to get into relationships and eventually get married and have kids because it's implied everywhere that you MUST do it.
you want to know where love really is, in my opinion? in being honest with yourself, and just admitting that the monogamous, tied down life style is not for you. maybe one day it will be, but as long as part of you feels that you are better off keeping it casual, then do that.
just remember to be honest to the other person so they don't build a future in their head that will never come true.

a reply to: Antidisestablishment

I can see where you are going with this but chin up, there is real love out there for people that allow themselves to love and be loved. Relationships might look like things of convenience from the outside (they are rather convenient I must say) but do you really know how they feel about each other in side?

I cannot bare to be away from my wife as I feel incomplete without her yet I look around my aunts and uncles who have been married for decades and I wonder if the spark still exists or is the notion of starting again so frightening that they would prefer to be content in life then find true love.

Have they forgot what love is or perhaps maybe love looks differently when you have been together for many years? I'll respond to this thread in 20 years when I find out.

a reply to: Antidisestablishment

Love isn't enough to sustain a relationship over the years, but if you also have mad respect, it can be incredible!

I can't say that my parents were "in love" throughout their lives, but, as you say, it was a very "practical pairing". I think they honored each other, though.

My relationship is built on a foundation of respect, but we are madly in love after 23 years of marriage. He's visiting his mother this week and I miss him more than I ever have. The first couple of days he was gone, I was a mess - binge-watching stupid TV shows and hugging dogs. I'm fine now, but I can't wait till he gets home.

I could never have a love-free relationship, but if it works for some, I think that's fine.

Relationships are a weird thing. They're amazing but at the same time terrifying. I know people who are together because they don't want to be alone and the idea of change scares them, i know people who are together just because they have kids, i know people who have stayed with someone just because they are lonely and all these things seem to work for them to some extent, but i also know people who are the type of couple who are just meant to be together. They're so in love and still are after years together. I would like to think I settled down with someone because we are both in love and it's what we want rather than being 'settled for' or because it's easier or more practical. But each to their own I suppose. I know my parents are of the generation that got married because they 'had to' or it was expected of them, but i do wonder if people in those situations regret it.
Who knows

a reply to: Antidisestablishment

Considering the screwed up times we live in, I can't say I blame you for feeling the way you do. However, I will say that I feel bad for you.

Just my thoughts on the topic in general....

I met my wife when we were in high school. We got married at 19. Fast forward and later this month we will be celebrating our 20th Wedding Anniversary. It has nothing to do with convenience, although when two people build a life together logic dictates that things become convenient. To this day we are essentially those high-school-sweethearts. When I am out and about and I see something odd, funny or interesting my instinct is still "Can't wait to tell her about THIS."

The most valuable thing any of us has (other than maybe health) is time. All we want to do is spend time together. I could go on and on but I'll just say, for my part, THAT, my friend, is Love.

Life has a funny way of returning what you put out there. Self-fulfilling prophecies, I guess you could say. If you don't think that love exists, then you'll never find it.

Best of luck.

I've been married for nearly 21 years and I can say that my wife and I love each other more and more each day. She makes me want to be a better person.
I also believe that most people are to selfish to stay in long term relationships. To much me and not enough us.

originally posted by: Bluntone22
I also believe that most people are to selfish to stay in long term relationships. To much me and not enough us.

It's exactly this. People are seemingly becoming more and more selfish. Could be why divorce rates are skyrocketing.

Which is interesting because now, it's easier than ever to find a partner that fits. Online dating has changed the game and in my opinion - for the better.

Come to think of it... I wonder if it's out attention spans that hurt our relationships?

a reply to: Benevolent Heretic

isn't love and respect the same thing? if you love something you won't disrespect it, it seems to me.

anyways seems like we may need more definitions

the term relationship can mean so many things nowadays. love beats all in the end if money can stop you from loving someone, you don't know what love actually is, and i pity you.

a reply to: vjr1113

I don't agree with Benevolent heritic politically very often but I can tell by the above reply that love is a huge part of the relationship.
The hole left from being apart is the sure sign. Most people should only be so lucky.

Been single my whole life and that shows no sign of changing.

I guess I don't fit the selfish mold.

The dreamer side of me will oft fantasize about it but the logical side puts the kibosh on that right quick. Being in the least date-able/love-able social demographic helps too of course.

My parents were definitely in the practical marriage group until they couldn't live the lie anymore. All the siblings on my mothers side got a divorce. All the (surviving)siblings on my dads side are still together though so that's nice.

"True love" is that even a thing? We live in a society where anyone would balk about lowering their status as you said. We have a caste system for sure.

I fell in love with a man who had a disability, and I loved him (and oddly, still love him) very dearly.
People interfered with our relationship from the outset. I had inlaws telling me I should get a "proper" man, and that he was impotent, that he was going to be a burden on me. I always maintained this didn't matter as I am asexual, and I appreciated him for his mind, and his spirit. His family were over protective of him and saw me as "intruding" and wanted to keep me out of his life. They finally did this in a very brutal and selfish way, by making up malicious stories about both me and my family, and telling him not to have anything to do with us. This was three years ago, and it breaks my heart that even though his health is failing, I am not allowed to see him, nor even enquire about how he is doing. I get upset that even if he were terminally ill, I would be prevented from even knowing about this, or seeing him for the last time.

I've been married to the same man since I was 21. Never looked back. He's not just my lover, but he's also my best friend. Life would be enormously less worthwhile without him around.

We make each other laugh. We make each other think.

I think a lot of the trouble is that people have confused ideas about what kind of love you should be looking for. That being wildly and overwhelmingly attracted to someone makes them "the One," but it doesn't. It just means you are in mad romantic love, what used to be called lust, and that isn't enough to build a long-term, lifelong commitment on.

If you can't look at the person you're with and think, "If he (or she) were rendered unable to satisfy me physically, would I still find this person worth spending my life with?" and answer that question with a "Yes!" ... then maybe you need to re-evaluate how much this person means and start either looking past or working on it. If you can't answer yes, it doesn't mean they aren't worth it, it may just mean you don't know them well enough yet and need to work on it.

Also, it's a partnership. You are joining lives, not just adding her (or him) like you would a couch. In order to make it work, you both have to adjust for that. You life will change. Ideally, both of you will, but if the relationship is good, that should be a joy more than a chore.

a reply to: Antidisestablishment

It has been my experience, looking back at my parents marriage and that of aunties, uncles and inlaws of the last generation / post WW2 generation, that at least 85% of long term relationships, even marriages are based on convenience rather than love.

What makes you think that what is true of your family is true of all humanity?

Human mating is assortative, but like mostly mates with like.

Other people may have reproductive strategies that are different from the one your relatives have adopted.

Besides, what you describe are not marriages of convenience but of compatibility.

There's a world of difference.

I often question the current conceptions we have about love. There is this expectation of mad passion and desire at all times, which tends to make anything else seem "drab" or uninspiring.

I've been married 24 years, and what I have seen is that our relation is always in a state of ebb and flow in terms of sexual desire, or outward expressions of affection. Sometimes we're feeling more needy in one way or another, sometimes we're just very busy with our other pursuits, hobbies or work and are less focused on each other. I suppose there are moments, to an observer, that they might consider that flame dead.

But what is always there and solid is a mutual respect and trust- and that is what I've come to consider real love. That is what you discover over time and exploring all the levels of relationship- the beginning stage of uncontrollable desire is like what nature made to entice into that exploration, so that we'd begin that journey and discover the truth.

We could actually divorce tomorrow, and I know we'd still love each other forever. Even if we each got involved with other mates, we'd still love each other. That is built, it is fact, it is not something fragile and relative. He could tell me tomorrow that he is involved with another woman, and wants to invest himself entirely in that relationship, and I wouldn't stop loving him.
I'd have an egotistical part of me whining that I would miss our living together.... but that isn't very important. I want his happiness, his happiness is also mine, even if it isn't, practically speaking.

That is the lesson in love ultimately. That selfish side is not evil, but it is just a very small part of who we are.

a reply to: Antidisestablishment

Well...

All of that is deeply depressing.

I cannot fathom how a person ends up in a relationship of convenience. Love is not something which should come along as a result of a relationship, but should be the initiating factor in the creation of that relationship. That is not to say that friendship should not become true love, but it does mean that people should not become involved romantically unless there is love involved. Anything else is wasting time after all!

That view feels a little cynical. Sure, people hedge their bets through people and things. . . that's biology, that's humanity. It's not a big deal, it's a part of being an animal. However, if it weren't meant to be and if there wasn't some sort of real and sincere aspect to it other than the sheer benefits, people wouldn't bother and it wouldn't have become a thing on an evolutionary level to begin with.

Think of it this way. Saying love isn't real or can't be sincere and outside of mere mutual benefit seeking is like saying you can't have real friends, either. Really, that perspective is just overly complicating the idea and putting too much expectation on it. It's not hard to get along with people and to enjoy their company. That's all it truly comes down to. It doesn't have to be an elaborate battle for love, but unfortunately Holywood and popular culture has tricked people into thinking it must be.

I agree with it's most often a social pressure, it is what you are supposed to do, those who don't follow the "norm" seem odd and weird.

My friends and family have the mindset of, You NEED a man, You MUST have children.
Sure, most women have the desire to have babies.

I believe true love is a rare thing, when both people have true love for each other, it does exist but I firmly think it is much more rare than what people make it out to be.

Relationships is much more harder to keep, than just a sex for one night.
You need to share everything you have with your couple, constantly make her happy in bed, take care of her.
Every relationships u have makes it easier to understand